Dad is the only one I’m willing to admit that to. I’m surprised at how fast he responds.
Papi: Hang in there, mijita
I smile down at my screen. I may be alone, but at least I have a texting buddy.
Yami: Come rescue me . . .
I sigh. Maybe I shouldn’t make jokes like that when he can’t physically come and do anything. No one is going to rescue me today. I’m about to start having Rover flashbacks about being alone after Bianca outed me when Bo takes the seat next to me. She doesn’t say anything, since Mrs. Havens is already starting her lecture, but her sitting by me makes me feel a little better. Bo and I might not be close, but I’d rather sit with an acquaintance than by myself.
She gives me a little wink before getting out her binder, leaving me to self-destruct. Was that a flirty wink? Or was she just being friendly, since I was sitting alone? Does she somehow know about the “ghetto” comment? What does it mean?
I can’t focus on Mrs. Havens’s lecture to save my life. I’m too busy trying not to overthink Bo’s wink, or how “ghetto” my earrings make me look. I spend the entire class telling myself to pay attention instead of paying attention.
When lunch rolls around, I don’t know where to sit without Becky and her minions. Cesar is sitting at a table full of seniors, since most of his smart-people classes are with them. I think they’re jocks. Honestly, it’s hard to tell, with the uniforms. They’re acting like loud fools, though, so I’m just guessing. Cesar is talking with his hands, his expressions all exaggerated, and everyone around him is laughing at whatever it is he’s saying. He fits in so well here, unlike me. I’m glad he found his people, though. At least it doesn’t seem like he’ll be getting jumped here anytime soon.
Then I see her. I hear her. Bo’s laugh is like music among the bustling traffic of the cafeteria. Her friends are laughing, too, and all I know is that I want to laugh. I have a couple of classes with the other people in her group, but we haven’t talked. Bo would probably let me sit with them. I’m a little nervous, though. She’s gay, I think. The rainbow Vans and khakis are pretty convincing. I don’t want to be tempted and I definitely don’t want anyone thinking I like Bo like that. Besides, my metaphorical closet is safe and I have no intention of coming out. Not here.
I look around one last time. Even with only four hundred students, I somehow feel smaller standing alone in this cafeteria than I ever did at Rover. All the classroom buildings are outside, so there are no internal hallways for me to hide in. The art teacher says her room is always open for lunch, but I don’t want to spend lunch alone with a teacher. Not quite that desperate. I think about going to the bathroom to eat in one of the stalls like a lonely new girl in a movie. But let’s be real. That shit is disgusting.
Instead, I go out to the courtyard and sit at one of the tables. This gives me time to review our jewelry orders on my phone. I’m happy to see that some new orders have already come in since this morning. I confirm them, then look around to see I’m the only one sitting alone. There aren’t really any loners at this school. It seems like all the quiet kids have their own group. It makes me miss Rover. There were tons of loners there, so at least I wasn’t alone in being alone. But I can’t go back. I can’t even reminisce about the good times without remembering how it all ended. . . .
When I told Bianca I loved her, it made her cry. Like it was somehow harder for her than it was for me. Why did I do that?
It all makes sense now, she said. She told me it creeped her out. That if only she had known, she would have avoided all of it. All of me. As if she wouldn’t have cried on my shoulder when her parents got divorced, or let me cry on hers when my dad got deported. As if none of it mattered because I’m gay.
When I told her I loved her, she made me feel like a leech, like I took advantage of her by being her friend. Like it was only for my benefit. It didn’t matter to her that I wasn’t ready to come out until then. The years we spent as best friends didn’t matter because I must have had ulterior motives, and everything I had done now seemed creepy. She told our friends and they ghosted me.