Bowing her head, she clenched her hands in her lap. She shook her head. “I know what you think about women, Roman. The ones you meet in clubs. You don’t know as much about me as you think you do.” Tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I know you went to After Dark and met a guy, and Samuel is the result.”
Sucking in a breath, Grace stared at him, her cheeks blooming red and then going white. “Shanice told you?”
“Not as a betrayal. It all came out when I went with her to pick up a friend at After Dark.”
“Oh.” Grace covered her face.
Roman’s heart ached for the fear and uncertainty she’d suffered because of one night of forgetting herself. She had fought to keep her son, and now carried the responsibility alone. How many other women would have taken a different path? Thank God, Grace followed Him and not the crowd. “What Shanice didn’t know is I could be the guy she was talking about.”
Grace lowered her hands, frowning. “Why would you say something like that?”
“It’s not impossible. I used to hang out at After Dark regularly. I had a beach condo in Malibu around that time. I remember a girl with long, blonde hair who left in the middle of the night while I was in the bathroom. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but that had never happened before.” The few women he’d brought to his condo had been sent home in a cab—usually before they were ready to leave.
Another sin I confess, Lord. I treated women the way men treated my mother. “I’m not the man I used to be, Grace, but I’m still a long way from the one I want to be.”
“Women are held to a higher standard than men.” Her mouth tipped in a sad, knowing half smile. “Especially by men.”
Was she remembering the self-righteous remarks he’d made in Bodie? “You’re right, and it’s wrong. I’ve lived as a hypocrite for a long time.” He’d condemned a long-dead woman for being in the life his mother had lived, remembering how he’d suffered right along with her. He’d never seen Grace angry until that day. She hadn’t realized she was showing compassion for his mother. What did he know about what happened between his mother and father, what the circumstances were? What right did he have to judge anyone?
Grace’s expression was enigmatic. “Is that why you came? Because you think you could be Samuel’s father?”
“The girl I met told me she wanted to feel something.” Roman saw the flicker in her eyes. “I wanted the same thing. And I’m not talking about sex, Grace. I’m talking about connecting with someone emotionally.” He’d never understood the pent-up longing until Grace showed up and their relationship progressed. “I’m not explaining very well.” He tried to gather his thoughts. “It only took a day to understand you were never coming back to the cottage, and I’d blown everything with you. It took me months to work through all the reasons you had to leave and what I needed to do to get right with God.” Again, that flicker. He’d been saved when she left, but he hadn’t been a Christ follower. And that made a fundamental difference in who he had been and who he was now.
They sat facing each other, the coffee table between them. Roman didn’t look away. “You admitted you loved me that night. You left because you wanted a man willing to commit, not a boy who wanted everything on his terms.”
“If we’re being honest, I left because I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t be strong enough to say no a second time.”
“You did the right thing in leaving, Grace. I wouldn’t have left you alone.” He thanked God she hadn’t waited. Where would they be right now if she’d weakened? They’d be living together. She’d never have felt secure and cherished, and he’d still be the same arrogant, self-centered jerk he’d been then. If Grace hadn’t fled, he might never have felt the need to examine his life and realize he had to let God change him from the inside out.
Grace looked troubled. “How could Samuel be your son, Roman? You said you’ve always taken precautions to avoid fathering a child.”
How many other callow things had he said in his lifetime? “I had a standard.” He gave a bleak laugh. “Not much of one, I’ll admit. I didn’t want to be like my father: get a girl pregnant and walk away.” Hardly an excuse, but the truth. “My mother never told me who he was, left that line blank on my birth certificate. Maybe she didn’t even know, and I have no way of finding out.”