The second way to self-distance is through time. We can enlist the same capacity for time travel that gives birth to regret to analyze and strategize about learning from these regrets. For example, one study showed that prompting people to consider how they might feel about a negative situation in ten years reduced their stress and enhanced their problem-solving capabilities compared to contemplating what the situation would be like in a week.[37]
Mentally visiting the future—and then examining the regret retrospectively—activates a similar type of detached, big-picture perspective as the fly-on-the-wall technique. It can make the problem seem smaller, more temporary, and easier to surmount.[38] Cheryl, for instance, could envision how she’d react a decade from now, peering back on her regret. Does she feel bad about letting the friendship remain apart for thirty-five years? Or does she feel satisfied that she addressed her connection regrets—with Jen or with others? When we simulate looking at the problem retrospectively, from the binoculars of tomorrow rather than the magnifying glass of today, we’re more likely to replace self-justification with self-improvement.[39]
The third method of self-distancing, as Julius Caesar and Elmo teach us, is through language. Kross, Ayduk, and others have carried out some fascinating research concluding that “subtle shifts in the language people use to refer to themselves during introspection can influence their capacity to regulate how they think, feel, and behave under stress.”？[40] When we abandon the first person in talking to ourselves, the distance that creates can help us recast threats as challenges and replace distress with meaning. For example, borrowing a page from Caesar, Grossmann and several colleagues found that getting people to write about their challenges using third-person pronouns like “she,” “him,” and “they” rather than first-person pronouns like “I,” “me,” and “my” increased their intellectual humility and sharpened the way they reasoned through difficulties.[41] Addressing regrets in the second person—referring to oneself as “you” rather than “I”—also strengthens people’s behavior and deepens their commitment to improving future behavior, according to research by Sanda Dolcos and Dolores Albarracín.[42] Similarly, deploying what some call the “universal you”—using “you” to mean people in general—can destigmatize negative experiences and help people pull meaning from them.[43]
And Elmo might be wiser than he looks. Addressing yourself by your name has similar effects. For example, another Kross-led project found that during the 2014 Ebola scare, people who were randomly assigned to use their own name, rather than “I,” in thinking about the disease were better able to generate fact-based reasons not to panic about the outbreak.[44] Equally important, self-distancing through language is neither laborious nor time-consuming. According to one neuroimaging study, its effects can kick in within one second.[45]
So, to gain the benefits of self-distancing, try any of the following:
Imagine your best friend is confronting the same regret that you’re dealing with. What is the lesson that the regret teaches them? What would you tell them to do next? Be as specific as you can. Now follow your own advice.
Imagine that you are a neutral expert—a doctor of regret sciences—analyzing your regret in a clean, pristine examination room. What is your diagnosis? Explain in clinical terms what went wrong. Next, what is your prescription? Now write an email to yourself—using your first name and the pronoun “you”—outlining the small steps you need to learn from the regret.
If your regret involves your business or career, try a technique from the late Intel CEO Andy Grove, who reportedly would ask himself, “If I were replaced tomorrow, what would my successor do?”？[46]
Imagine it is ten years from now and you’re looking back with pride on how you responded to this regret. What did you do?
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Looking backward can move us forward, but only if we do it right. The sequence of self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing offers a simple yet systematic way to transform regret into a powerful force for stability, achievement, and purpose.
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But we’re still not quite done. It’s also possible to move forward by looking forward—by foreseeing regrets before they occur.
SEVEN OTHER TECHNIQUES YOU WON’T REGRET
1. Start a regret circle.
Think of regret circles as close cousins of book clubs. Gather five or six friends over coffee, tea, or drinks. Ask two of them to come prepared with a significant regret. Let them tell the story of their regrets. Have the others respond to each regret first by categorizing it. （Is it action or inaction? Into which, if any, of the four deep structure categories does it fall?） Then, for each regret, the group works through the Disclosure-Compassion-Distance process. When the gathering ends, the two people commit to adopting a specific behavior （for example, speaking up to an unpleasant boss or asking out a crush）。 At the next meeting, the others hold the regretters accountable for that promise—and two new people share their regrets.