‘I’m going to work. Can you stay in?’ His feet were rooted to the spot.
‘What for? Mum?’ Aleisha watched his face carefully, searching for any hint about what state Leilah might be in, what she was walking into. ‘I thought you had the afternoon off.’
Aidan was now staring at his car keys. ‘Yeah, I … I’ve been called in last minute. Look, I’m really sorry to do this but I don’t want to leave her on her own today and I’ve got to get out.’
Aleisha stepped forward, but Aidan made no move to get out of her way. There was something he wasn’t telling her. ‘Is she okay?’ Aleisha was trying to keep the panic out of her voice, the words I need you flashing up in her mind again.
‘Yeah, Leish, yeah, I’m sorry, she’s totally fine. I just, you know, it’s been up and down, and I’ve got some stuff to do and I didn’t know where you were, you didn’t leave a note.’ For a moment, Aleisha saw panic, stress, hurt in her brother’s eye, but dismissed the thought. Aidan was never panicked, right? He had so much going on, but out of the three of them, he was the one who had it all together. Uncle Jeremy always said, ‘That boy, he carries the world on his shoulders with so much grace.’ He was right.
‘So, you going to let me in then? Or do I need a secret password or something?’
‘Yeah, sorry,’ he stepped aside, grabbing his bag from the step, and headed out. He plastered a smile on his face, but there was still something else behind his eyes, lingering just for a moment.
Aleisha dumped her bag in the hallway. ‘Fine. See you later.’ She heard the calmness of her own words, when really she just wanted to shout after him: ‘Don’t pull the “I need you” card when everything’s fine.’ She wanted to tell him how much he’d scared her. She wanted to shout at him, to scream.
‘I’ve got a slightly shorter shift today,’ he said now. His voice was immediately lighter, his eyes brighter now his feet were on the pavement, now he was out of the house – she’d never noticed such a stark reaction before. ‘Finish at eight. See you then. Call me if you need anything, okay?’
‘Whatever.’
‘I’ll get you a pizza or something, to make this up to you. Sorry if we ruined plans,’ he shouted over his shoulder, climbing into his car.
She knew he was using the ‘we’ to mean ‘me and Mum’ because she couldn’t be angry with him when he was ‘just thinking of Mum’。
‘I hate pizza!’ she shouted back.
Aleisha waved to her brother and walked inside, carefully placing one foot in front of the other, hoping her mum was still in bed. But Leilah was sitting on the sofa, watching an international channel where everyone on it was speaking a different language.
‘Mum,’ Aleisha said, trying to keep her tone soft, ‘why’re you watching this?’
Leilah said nothing, seemed unable to reply. Eventually she shrugged, and murmured: ‘It’s calming.’
Aleisha looked at the TV – it was some over-the-top drama, thunderous music, intense stares. One woman’s venomous glare shot straight through the screen. ‘Calming how?’
Leilah’s eyes were glazed over, as though they weren’t taking anything in at all.
‘Cup of tea?’
‘No, I’m okay.’ Her lips looked dry, slightly grey. There was a soft film of sweat on her forehead, the down on her upper lip collected tiny droplets of water.
She could tell today was a spiral.
There hadn’t been a proper spiral for a while. Aidan always knew what to look out for and now she wished she hadn’t left this morning. But Aidan had insisted, because he could cope with this – and he knew she couldn’t. She felt his absence now, she was flailing, she didn’t know how to make Leilah feel safe today, she didn’t know what to say or do for her own mother. No matter how many years they’d been through it, when Leilah felt like this she was nothing but a stranger to her.
In the kitchen, she steadied herself with both hands on the countertop before pulling out her favourite mug. Her dad had bought it for her from a Christmas market. It was hand-painted, according to the note on its underside. It had an angel on it. Blonde. Blue-eyed. The angel was definitely not her. When she was younger, she liked to pretend that that’s how her dad saw her, as his little angel with the blonde hair and the blue eyes and the pale, peachy skin.
As the kettle fired up, Leilah called out, ‘Tea, please.’ Aleisha rolled her eyes and hastily cleaned her mum’s favourite Star Wars mug. It had been sitting in the sink for days, stained with dark, thick coffee rings.