“I didn’t really answer your question,” Natalie said into the silence.
“What question?”
“When you asked if putting my life on hold was fair to me. I didn’t give you a real answer.”
“I think I understood what you meant.”
She smiled, looking almost sad. “I should have said that there are moments when it’s not so bad. When I’m with my family, there are times when I can actually forget about the reality of my situation. Like when one of them tells a super funny story and we’re all laughing, it’s easy to pretend I lead a normal life. Then, in the next minute, it all comes rushing back. The truth is that the reality is always there, even if it is temporarily cloaked…but then it emerges again and I suddenly feel like I shouldn’t be laughing or smiling because that feels wrong somehow. Because it seems like I don’t care about him. I spend too much time thinking that I’m not allowed to be happy, and that I shouldn’t even try to be happy. I know that sounds crazy, but I can’t help it.”
“Do you think Mark would have wanted you to feel that way?”
“No,” she said. “I know he wouldn’t. We even talked about things like this. Well, not about this situation exactly, but what we wanted if the other person were to die in a car accident or whatever. Pillow talk, you know? We played those silly hypothetical games—like if either of us died—and he always told me that he’d want me to move on, to find someone new and start a family. Of course, right after that, he’d add that I’d better not love the new guy as much as I loved him.”
“At least he was honest,” I said with a smile.
“Yeah,” she said. “He was. But I don’t know what any of it really means anymore. There’s a part of me that says I should spend as much time with Mark as I can, that I should quit my job and visit him every day. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when someone is sick, right? But the truth is that’s the last thing I want to do. Because every time I go, a little part of me dies inside. But then I feel guilty about feeling that way, so I steel myself and do what I’m supposed to do. Even though I know he wouldn’t have wanted that for me.”
She seemed to be studying the pavement in front of us.
“It’s so hard not knowing when, or even if, any of this will ever end. People in vegetative states can live decades. What do I do, knowing that? I know I still have time to have children, but do I have to give that up? And what about all the other little things that make life worthwhile? Like being held by someone who loves you, or even being kissed. Do I give those things up forever, too? Do I have to live in New Bern until either he or I die? Don’t get me wrong—I love New Bern. But there’s a part of me that sometimes imagines a different life—living in New York or Miami or Chicago or Los Angeles. I’ve lived in small North Carolina towns my entire life. Don’t I deserve the chance to make that choice for myself?”
By then, we’d reached the hotel, but she paused outside the entrance.
“You want to know what the worst part is? There’s no one I can talk to about this. No one really gets it. My parents are heartsick about all of it, so when I’m with them, I’m constantly reassuring them that I’m okay. His parents and I are on different wavelengths. My friends talk about work or their spouses or their kids, and I don’t even know what to do. It’s just…lonely. I know people sympathize and care about me, but I don’t think they can truly empathize since this is so entirely foreign to the way anyone imagines that their life will turn out. And…”
I waited.
“Do you know when people ask you what your dreams or goals are? Like in a year or three years or five years? I think about that sometimes, and I realize that not only do I not know, I don’t even know how to go about trying to find the answer. Because so much of it is out of my control and there’s nothing I can do.”
I reached out, taking her hand. “I wish there was something I could say to make things easier for you.”
“I know you do,” she said, squeezing my hand. “Just like I know that tomorrow will be just another day.”
*
A few minutes later, we were each in our separate rooms. Natalie’s confession had left me feeling both sad for her and disappointed in myself. As empathetic as I imagined myself to be, it was—as she’d said—difficult for me to put myself in exactly her position or to fully imagine what her life was like on a daily basis. I understood it, I sympathized with it, I felt terrible for her, but when I was honest with myself, I knew that I couldn’t fully empathize. Everyone has inner lives to which no one else can be privy.