Turning on the television, I settled on ESPN, not because I cared who won the latest baseball game or golf tournament, but because I was too tired to concentrate on anything that might have any kind of story or plot. I kicked off my shoes, took off my shirt, and lay back on the bed, alternately listening to the announcers and puzzling over Callie, while simultaneously reliving the last couple of days I’d spent with Natalie.
I wondered whether I would ever meet anyone like her again. Even if I were to fall in love again, wouldn’t I consciously and subconsciously compare the new woman to the woman I loved right now?
Here, in this moment, we were together, except that we weren’t. She was in the room next door, with a wall and an entire world between us. Could it be that she, like me, was dwelling on the impossible and wishing there were some world made just for the two of us?
I didn’t know. All I knew for sure was that as exhausted as I felt, I wouldn’t have traded the last two days for anything.
*
I woke to the sound of someone knocking on my door.
Squinting at the clock, I saw it was coming up on midnight; both the lamp and the television were on and I fumbled for the remote control, only half-aware of my surroundings.
I turned off the television, wondering if I’d imagined it, when I heard a tentative knock. It was coupled with a voice I recognized.
“Trevor? Are you awake?”
I crawled out of bed and did a sleepy stagger across the room, thankful I had my pants on. Opening the door, I saw Natalie, still dressed in her dinner attire, her expression one of wary desperation, her eyes rimmed in red.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“No,” she said, “I’m not okay. Can I come in?”
“Yeah, of course,” I said, making room for Natalie as she entered. She paused in the middle of the room as though looking for a place to sit. I pulled out the desk chair for her and took a seat on the bed facing her.
“I heard the television, so I figured you were still awake,” she said, taking in my still sleep-ridden state for the first time.
“I am now,” I said. “I’m glad you’re here.”
For a moment, she twisted her hands in her lap, her eyes framed in anguish. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Do you want to see if there’s someplace open in Helen?” I asked. “Maybe get a drink or some decaf?”
“I don’t want to go out.” Then, looking up at me, hesitantly: “Can I sleep here? With you? I don’t want to have sex…” She closed her eyes, her voice tight. “But aside from you, I haven’t slept in bed with someone since Mark got sick, and I just want someone next to me tonight. I know it’s wrong and that I should go back to my room—”
“Of course you can sleep here,” I interrupted.
“Trevor…”
“Come here.” I stood from the bed, and rising slowly, she went into my arms. I held her for a long time before we both got into the bed. As I reached for the lamp to turn it out, I hesitated.
“Can I turn the light off, or do you want to talk some more?”
“You can turn it out,” she murmured.
I hit the switch and the room went dark. I rolled to face her, and saw only a vague shadow, but I caught the faintest whiff of perfume.
“I’m glad it’s dark,” she whispered. “I look terrible.”
“You’ve never been anything but beautiful.”
I felt her hand on my chest, then as it brushed my cheek. “I do love you, Trevor Benson. I want you to know that.”
“I know,” I said. “I love you, too.”
“Will you hold me?”
At her words, I drew my arms around her, letting her rest her head on my shoulder where I could feel the heat of her breath on my skin. As much as I longed to kiss her, I didn’t. More than anything, I wanted to ease the tiniest bit of her sadness and confusion, if only for a few hours.
She relaxed into me, her body molding itself to mine, a position both new and familiar at exactly the same time. Eventually I heard her breaths begin to slow, and I realized that she was sleeping.
But I stayed awake, knowing that this was the last time I would hold her this way. I wanted to savor the feeling, to make it last forever. I ached at the thought that I might never experience this particular bliss again.
Chapter 20
I woke as the early-dawn light began to seep under the curtains. Natalie was still asleep, and I slipped from the bed, trying not to wake her.
After pulling a clean shirt from my duffel bag, I put on my shoes and found my wallet, then crept from the room. The light from the hallway brightened the room momentarily as I opened the door, but Natalie didn’t stir. More sleep was exactly what she needed; I, on the other hand, needed coffee.