The children were sitting around with Dan, who was fixing Alfie’s toy truck, and Jamie was on the other side of the pool, reading, while Bob snored nearby.
This was my chance to talk to Jamie without Ella around, so I casually walked over, like I was just checking out the pool from all angles.
‘Jamie, you told her, didn’t you?’ I muttered through my teeth, sitting on the end of the sunlounger next to him. I gazed around smiling, pretending to anyone that was interested that this was a friendly chat.
‘I didn’t exactly tell her…’
‘She said you told her everything.’
Jamie looked really uncomfortable. He sat up. ‘Clare I… I didn’t just blurt it out. Me and Ella, we hadn’t known each other long when I asked her to marry me—’
‘So what has that got to do with anything?’
‘She said we had to be able to trust each other, and that meant no secrets. She said if she was going to spend the rest of her life with me, we had to share everything.’
‘Sshhhh, keep your voice down.’
He looked around shiftily, then continued. ‘She’s very intuitive, said she knew I was hiding something and if I didn’t tell her, she couldn’t say yes – she said secrets eat away at people.’ He looked at me knowingly.
‘Mmm. Or perhaps she just wanted you to tell her stuff so she’d have something over you.’
‘Clare,’ he said under his breath, ‘that isn’t true.’ He looked out across the pool and I looked out too, making like we were talking about the colour of the water, or the weather. ‘I happen to think she’s right,’ he suddenly said.
‘About what?’
‘Secrets, they eat away at you. Ella and I don’t have secrets. Doesn’t it get to you that you’re living a lie, Clare?’
‘I’m not. We don’t know anything for definite,’ I said, defensively, and this was true. But if I had to make a guess on dates, colouring, temperament, Freddie was certainly looking more like Jamie’s son than Dan’s. I had to keep up the pretence though, there was too much to lose.
‘You know as well as I do that even if you could prove Freddie was yours, it wouldn’t be worth the carnage. Dan would divorce me, he’d never speak to you again,’ I said, waving to Violet sitting with her dad at the other side of the pool. ‘And Joy and Bob… imagine. Then the kids, think of the kids, their world would end – especially Freddie’s.’
‘But like Ella says, this is all about you and Dan and the kids… but have you ever really thought about how I feel? What about me, Clare?’
‘Of course I’ve thought about your feelings, but it isn’t like we planned any of it. If Freddie is yours, then it’s just a chance, a weird moment in time and biology that happened,’ I said. ‘You and I went our separate ways and the fact I was pregnant was my issue – mine and Dan’s – and, Jamie, it has to stay that way,’ I said urgently. ‘Please Jamie, for Freddie’s sake, if no one else’s.’
‘What if I don’t want it to? What if I want to be Freddie’s dad?’
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this. ‘Since when?’
‘Since Ella made me realise what I’ve missed, how I might never have another child.’
I suddenly realised that perhaps it wasn’t Ella who was likely to divulge the secret, it might be Jamie. I turned around to face him. I needed to be very clear on this. ‘Freddie has a dad. You’ve always known there’s a chance you might be… but until now you were happy to go on with your life with no responsibilities, no questions to answer. Trust me Jamie, it’s best for all of us that we carry on. To say something would mess up all our lives. I don’t understand why Ella’s encouraging you to dig all this up, she needs to keep out.’
‘Ella’s “digging all this up” because she cares about me. She can see how I am with Freddie, she says he’s the spit of me, and we’re so happy around each other, and I shouldn’t be denied this just because it’ll make things difficult for you.’
‘It isn’t just about me – God, I wish it were only about me. It’s about everyone – imagine how devastated your parents would be?’ I hissed under my breath. ‘Surely you can see this is just another game to Ella.’
He had this closed look on his face; he didn’t want to hear it, like she’d brainwashed him. ‘You’re wrong. Ella wants this for me because she loves me, and I agree with her. I should be allowed to celebrate being a dad, not deny it, like it’s a dirty little secret.’