He nods sadly. “Yes.”
“That’s why I tried to kill myself.” And that must be why I ran away.
He stands up and begins to pace back and forth, then stops suddenly. “Maybe it’s time I told you the whole story.”
I brace myself. “The whole story?”
He sits again and takes my hand. “About Sonia.” He pauses. “Are you sure you can handle this?”
I nod silently.
“After Valentina was born, you were a nervous wreck. You kept going on and on about how Sonia was going to try and take your family from you. I’ve already told you how you were jealous of her. But you were also convinced that she was really Valentina’s mother, and that we’d lied to you about using your egg. You concocted this elaborate fantasy where Sonia and I were in love and had tricked you.”
I feel like I can’t catch my breath. My pulse races as his words register. “Go on,” I say. I want him to get it over with and tell me what I already know in my heart to be true.
“This went on for weeks, and even after I ordered a DNA test that proved you were Valentina’s mother, you insisted that Sonia was going to try and steal her. You called her one day and asked her to come over and talk to you, pretended you had something important to tell her.” He puts his head in his hands.
“What did I do, Julian?”
He looks at me sadly. “You found my rifle, the one my father gave me years ago. I never thought to lock it away. It hadn’t been fired in years. I didn’t even think you knew how to use it, but I guess there’s a lot I don’t know about your past.” He sighs. “I came home to find her on the floor. You killed her, Cassandra. Put a bullet in her head. Her hand was still clutching the lamp that she’d used to try and fight you off.”
I think of the gory image that’s been running through my mind for the past two years. It was a memory. My stomach rises to my throat, and before I can get to the bathroom, I vomit all over the rug.
Julian is by my side in an instant, guiding me upstairs to our bedroom. He deposits me on the bed, then returns with a cool cloth and puts it on my forehead.
“Why aren’t I in prison now? Didn’t you call the police?”
“No, no. You weren’t in your right mind. The voices made you do it. I wasn’t going to let anyone put you away.”
“What did you do with her—her body?”
“I took care of it. That’s all you need to know. It’s enough for now. No therapy today. You need to rest.” He walks to the bathroom and comes back with a glass of water and two pills. “Take these. They’ll help you sleep. We’ll talk more later.”
I swallow the pills and curl up into a fetal position, drawing the covers up to my chin. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I killed some poor woman whose only crime was to help me bring Valentina into this world. Even in my worst nightmares I would never have guessed that my past was this dark, that I’m an actual murderer. I don’t know how I can live with this. The tears start again, and I turn to Julian.
“You have to protect Valentina from me. I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Listen to me, Cassandra. We’re going to find a way to make the voices stop.”
But I know they’ll never stop, and even if they do, I can’t live a normal life. Now that I know what I’ve done, nothing will ever be the same. I start to tell him, but suddenly my eyelids are heavy and I feel the pull of slumber. Tomorrow is Christmas day and the last thing I think before I close my eyes is that I hope I never wake up.
??49??
Blythe
Blythe finished wrapping the last-minute gift and placed it under the tree with the other presents. When she learned that Darcy was coming home for Christmas, she’d picked out a lovely Escada scarf for her. Darcy and her father would be arriving for dinner soon, and Blythe had asked Hailey and Gabriel to come too. At first Blythe had thought about arranging a lunch with just the two of them, but the more she thought about it, the more strongly she felt that it should be a family affair. After all, the families had been friends all of their lives, so what was wrong with being together and helping them through a holiday season that was going to be difficult for them? When she’d casually mentioned it to Gabriel, he hadn’t really reacted, and Blythe had taken that as tacit approval.
Blythe hadn’t seen much of Gabriel since his return from Boston two weeks before. At the gallery he’d been his charming and friendly self with customers, but otherwise he kept to himself. Even lunches were spent alone in his office, and he made excuses any time Blythe invited him to dinner. She hadn’t pressed him for the details of what had occurred in Boston, but he’d told her that things were truly over with Addison. She knew he must have shared more with Hailey, but Blythe wanted to respect the siblings’ connection. It was enough to know that he was talking to his sister and not keeping everything inside.