Mamma grimaced. “Don’t be vulgar, Nadia.”
“Oh, Madonna, salvami. I wonder how you ever had three children. You’re as squeamish as a virgin.”
A headache bloomed behind my eyes and I stood. “I assure you, Nonna, I’m not pregnant. I’ve been on the pill for years.”
Nonna shot Mamma a look. “No wonder your daughters are little floozies. You’re practically encouraging them!”
My mamma muttered, “Better a floozy than senile,” as I headed out of the room.
The curtains were closed as though someone was in mourning. A lump showed beneath the tangle of blankets on the bed. Smallish in size, and blaring Seven Nation Army. I lifted the comforter and climbed in before pulling it back over my head. We lay on our sides facing each other, with Adriana’s iPod playing music between us.
When the song stopped, I pushed pause on her playlist. “What did one sister say to the other?”
She fought an eye roll, but a corner of her mouth lifted. “What?”
“Will you be my Maid of Honor?”
Expectantly, she pursed her lips like it was a hard decision to consider. “Your fiancé put Ryan in the hospital.”
He was her fiancé not even a week ago, but now that he was mine she was quick to make me accountable for his actions. “I know, or I guess I assumed. I’m sorry, Adriana.”
“I thought they were going to kill him.” Her voice was shaky with relief.
A piece of my heart dissolved into bits and pieces, leaving an empty ache behind. “But they didn’t.”
“No.” She traced the edges of her iPod. “I know it was because of you. You always know what to do.”
A lump formed in the back of my throat. If only that were the truth. God, sometimes it felt like I was stranded on a raft at sea. Today was one of those days.
“You really love him, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
My eyes burned. “What’s it like?”
Her gaze met mine, her brows knitting. “What do you mean?”
“To be in love.”
“But—” She blinked, glancing at my left hand.
Understanding hit me. Of course she would think I was in love. I was a romantic at heart and I hadn’t even been able to lie to the world, let alone myself. I wasn’t a girl to have casual sex and everyone knew it.
I twisted the ring on my finger, and a bitter laugh escaped. “I didn’t even know his name, Adriana—don’t know his name.”
“Then why did you leave?” She frowned. “I thought you’d met him somewhere, fell in love, and went to be with him.”
Guilt pierced my chest. I was a terrible sister. I didn’t confide in her and I’d lusted after her fiancé. If I died before getting to Confession I was surely going to Hell.
I averted my gaze. “You know that little musical carousel I used to play over and over when we were younger?”
“Yeah, it’s pink.”
I smiled. “Yeah. Well, Nonno gave it to me for Christmas one year, if you remember. Since then, I’d always wanted to see a carousel in real life. A silly childhood dream, I guess. But it never happened . . . you know how busy Papà is.” I cleared my throat. “Anyway, that night I left . . . I guess I couldn’t take the expectations. Everything felt like too much. Oscar Perez, and the idea that someone like him would be my future. Having to force a smile. Squeezing myself into this person I didn’t think I could be anymore. It started all at once; my lungs closed up and I couldn’t breathe. All I believed at that moment was that if I didn’t get out of the house, I was going to die. The carousel just sat there on my dresser, taunting me with fanciful dreams. I wanted one to come true, even as trivial as it was. So I snuck out, took the bus—”
Her eyes widened, and I laughed.
“I didn’t even stop to think that it was winter and the carnival wouldn’t be there. I guessed I imagined the carousel would be dusted with a little snow. Anyway, he was a security guard at a mall nearby and stopped to see why I was standing in an empty parking lot alone. And I don’t know . . . it just happened from there. I told him I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t have much money or a place to stay, and he took me to his apartment to figure something out.”
“He was probably trying to get laid,” Adriana muttered.
I laughed. “Maybe. Though, he seemed nice and genuine. He was charming, and I liked him . . . but I never loved him.”
Silence settled in the space between us, and a heavy weight had drifted off my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed to share that with somebody until now.