I squeezed her hand to thank her.
Tushar and I went to the room that had been Nana’s bedroom. It now served mostly as a prayer room. The adults probably felt more comfortable knowing we’d be under the watchful eyes of Bhagwan. After closing the door, I waited for Tushar to offer me some explanation.
“I know this must seem odd to you,” he said.
“Odd doesn’t even begin to describe it. I just saw you, and you said nothing to me.”
His face looked sunken and gaunt under the harsh yellow light of the single bulb dangling from the ceiling. The smell of sandalwood from a burnt stick of incense lingered in the air. A small clock sat on a table, ticking off each second.
He avoided my eyes. “I’m sorry. After you walked out of the shop, I realized I could not let you go to America. Not without considering me.”
I threw up my hands. “A marriage proposal is a hell of a lot more than asking for consideration.”
“You know the way our culture works.”
Our culture. He said it so matter-of-factly. Was I part of this culture now? Did he now see me as the same as him and not NRI? It was so confusing when I was on the inside and when I wasn’t.
“You hardly know me,” I said.
“I know you are different from girls I’ve met here. I know you have a good heart.”
I sighed. “I’m different because I wasn’t raised here.”
“Of course, I know you are American,” he said. “But you are Indian too.”
I looked at him. “You make it sound so easy.”
“What?”
“Like I belong to two places. Like I can be both Indian and American.”
“Is it not true?”
I shook my head. “Everyone wants it to be that simple. That immigrants have two homes and can seamlessly pass between them. I don’t feel that way. I feel adrift. Like I’m an outsider wherever I go.”
He moved closer to me. “You are not an outsider to me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before? When we were alone and could have discussed it privately?”
Tushar was clearly hurt by my tone.
I dropped onto the bed. “Sorry.” I stared at the tiles. After a long silence, I said, “How could we ever agree to marry without dating?”
“I know that will be hard for you, but that is the way here. I can convince my parents to have a long engagement so you can get used to the idea. We can try to get some months maybe?”
“Oh Bhagwan, your parents! Do they even know you’re here?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Not yet, but I think they will suspect.”
“Fantastic. So, you’re ready for both of our parents to disown us? And then what? We’d live here in Ahmedabad? I’d never fit in here long term!”
Tushar pointed to the dupatta I had been twirling between my fingers. “You already belong here.”
I looked down at the blue panjabi top I was wearing over my jeans. Matching bangles on my right arm, a yellow-gold watch on my left. He was right. If I didn’t say a word, then I might have passed for a local. Certainly, more than when I had first arrived. But that was the problem. I was still American, regardless of what people saw. Or at least part of me still was and always would be, and that was more American than he was used to.
“How long have you been thinking about this?” I asked. “You had the chance to kiss me on New Year’s Eve, and you didn’t even try.”
“I never thought something like this was possible. As you said, there will be many challenges, but from you I learned to follow my heart.”
I sighed. “I didn’t mean you should go against your family. Our situations are different. Rebelling against your parents isn’t who you are.”
Before he could respond, we heard the sputtering sound of an engine nearing the house, and then the gong sound of the doorbell. I opened the bedroom door and peered out.
“Who could be calling now?” Indira Mami shook her head as she shuffled toward the foyer, her champals making a soft clipping noise against the marble.
“Maybe the driver?” Virag Mama offered.
Our family’s driver often slept in the car outside Lakshmi if we needed him to work early in the morning.
When Indira Mami greeted the visitors at the door, it was clear that it was not the driver.
40
Tushar’s parents exchanged their polite namastes with Indira Mami before coming into the living room.
Tushar leaped forward. “We must go,” he urged them.