“Hi,” he said, running his fingers through his hair nervously.
“How were your parents?” I said.
He shook his head. “As expected.”
I nodded, making my way toward him. “What you did yesterday . . .”
He met my gaze, his eyes searching mine.
“It was really brave,” I said. “I know it wasn’t easy for you.”
He shrugged as if it was no big deal. “You would fight the same for something you want, no?”
I nodded. “I’ve spent my whole life fighting for the things I want. The truth is that fighting all the time is exhausting.” I went closer to him, until we were just a couple feet apart from each other. “I don’t want you to have to go through that.”
His face fell as he realized what my answer was.
“Tushar, you have taught me so much about myself in these weeks we have spent together. And I have loved getting to know you. But what I’ve learned most is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want. You’ve already done that work, and it’s not fair of me to pull you along while I go through this process.”
“But that’s what the marriage is for, no? A partner to help you with those things?”
I smiled at him wistfully. “Some things need to be done on my own. I don’t know if I can give up the type of love I grew up dreaming about. That part of me is still very Western. It might change—I’ve seen how differently people think about marriage here—but it also might not. If we lived in a different time and place, maybe we would date and see how we feel about each other after a year. But we don’t. And that is not possible. For me, if we get to know each other after getting engaged, and if it isn’t what I want, I don’t think I can go through with it out of a sense of duty or familial love. Not yet. Maybe not ever. And a broken engagement will have a more lasting impact on you than it will for me. I can go back to Los Angeles and pretend it never happened. But you . . . this is your home. I cannot be responsible for taking that away from you.”
“You don’t think you can love me that way?” he asked.
My eyes glistened. “I don’t know. But I’m not ready to agree to marry someone before I know if I am in love with him. And that’s just not the order in which things are done here. You shouldn’t have to change for me.”
He let my words sink in. “So, your answer is no.”
Softly, I said, “It has to be. If I don’t know who I am yet, then there’s no way you could know who you are marrying.”
We weren’t together, and had never dated, but it was a breakup all the same. Emotions had been on the line. For him, more than they ever had before.
“So, that’s it now? You will go back home?”
That was another thing I had thought about while lying awake last night. My time in India wasn’t done yet. I needed to understand India today and continue to update the memories I had from my youth. I couldn’t escape the parts of me that were Indian any more than I could the parts of me that were American, and I needed to be in India to find those missing pieces.
“I’m actually going to stay a little while longer after my family leaves.”
His eyebrows shot up.
“Anand Uncle has been asking me to help him with the foundation. He needs an American lawyer, and I think it would be good for me to do some legal work that is meaningful and see how that feels.”
“How long will you stay?” he said.
“I’m not sure, but at least a few months. Certainly through Biren’s wedding so I can help him with anything he needs. I don’t think India will be my permanent home, but I’d like to understand that part of myself better before I go back. And it sounds like the work with Anand Uncle can be done from both places, so I can be trained here and then continue it when I go back. Working a job with reasonable hours will also give me the chance to continue with photography. I want to do more with everything I’ve learned from you.”
“You’ll still come here?” He gestured to the shop around him.
“Only if you want me to,” I said. “I’d like if we can be friends, but I understand if that’s not possible. I want you to be happy.” I met his gaze. “I’m so sorry for any pain or hardship I’ve caused you. With your family too. I did not realize how hard it would be for me to navigate that part of the culture in Ahmedabad.”
“Your way is certainly different from ours,” he said.