‘Em said?’
‘Yeah, she’s been over a bit. Helping… you know. I mean, she only told me because… I suppose I pressed her on it a bit.’
‘Oh.’
‘You don’t have to talk about it. It’s just… well, you know.’
‘It wasn’t really a date,’ she said. ‘Just… you know, an informal thing.’
‘Right.’
‘Nothing happened if that’s what you’re worried about,’ she felt compelled to add.
‘Oh, OK. Well, good. I mean, well you know.’
‘Right.’ Part of her was fuming, another part quite pleased that he was at least bothered.
‘Because… I mean, I know it’s not the right time to talk about it, is it? But you know… I never stopped loving you, Lily.’
She felt her chest tighten. ‘I know you didn’t. I know if I hadn’t left we’d still be together. But, Ben, you made it clear that you didn’t love me enough.’
‘Because I wouldn’t come with you?’
‘Well, yes. Because you knew I wanted—’
‘Lily, stop…’ he said. ‘You’re right. I don’t know why I said that. It’s not your fault… I know the – well – the break-up was my doing.’
Was this some sort of reverse psychology trick? ‘Right,’ she said.
‘I’m serious. I’ve been seeing a counsellor – a lot, actually – and I’m trying to be more honest about my feelings. To not be, eh, afraid to talk about them, you know? Because the kind of thing I went through… my… my anxiety I mean; it grows when you don’t expose it to the light.’
‘Well, that’s good. That you’re seeing a counsellor.’
‘And I’ve realised a few things… since starting to talk about it properly. And I need to say… I want to say that it wasn’t just my anxiety that caused all this.’
‘Oh.’
‘No. Not completely. It was the fact that I didn’t talk to you about it. That I didn’t let you in. We’d been… well, I think we lost a bit of closeness because of that. Because I was keeping myself to myself too much. Maybe drinking too much…’
‘Oh, Ben, it wasn’t that bad.’
‘Well, it wasn’t ideal.’
‘Well, no. I’ll admit. But you know, I suppose I did spring it on you rather out of the blue. The whole eBay thing.’
‘Ha. Well, kind of out of the blue. And kind of right in the middle of the blue. It wasn’t as if you’d never mentioned France before.’
‘No, I think I may have spoken about it once or twice,’ she agreed.
There was a silence.
‘Anyway, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Because maybe if you’d known I was just… well, clinging on at the time. That I was working from home more and more because sometimes it was too much. Well, maybe things might have been different.’
‘Oh Ben…’
She was silent for a minute, wondering if she could take the risk. To actually say it, openly. To risk being hurt all over again. ‘Ben,’ she said, ‘look. It’s not too late. You can still… I want you to come here. We can work on your anxiety, we can start afresh. It’s beautiful here… lonely, but… Please come.’ She felt her palms tingle.
He was silent on the other end.
‘But you said you were building a new life,’ he said at last.
‘Only because I had to, not because I wanted to…’
Minutes later, she was on the phone to Emily. ‘So I did it,’ she said. ‘I asked him. Directly. Just like you said.’
‘Atta girl! And?’
‘And nothing. He barely said a word. It was as if…’ Lily drew in a big, shuddering breath ‘… as if I’d never meant anything to him at all.’
‘Oh Lily…’
‘No. It’s OK, it’s OK. Because I know now. At least I have some sort of… ending to it. I don’t have to… wonder any more.’
Emily was silent. ‘I am so, so sorry,’ she said. ‘I never should have…’
‘No, you were right,’ said Lily. ‘I was too afraid to ask. And maybe it was because I was scared of the answer. Perhaps I knew all along.’
Another silence.
‘So he said no?’
‘Worse. He put the phone down.’
‘Oh, sweetheart.’
‘No,’ she said, almost fiercely, rubbing her fist across her eyes. ‘That’s enough. I can’t let him ruin this… I’ve got to…’