‘Well, yes, but…’
‘And you know,’ he said, reddening, ‘I loved the idea of moving to France, you know I did. But when confronted with the – ah – reality…’ He looked at her. ‘I’m just not sure I can do it.’
‘Are you saying, then,’ she said, her voice unsteady, ‘that it’s not just a “wrong timing” thing for this year. But you’ll feel this way,’ she breathed, shakily, ‘next year too?’
His mouth wobbled slightly. ‘I… I’ll be honest, Lily,’ he said. ‘I just don’t know. Maybe… maybe it’s just I don’t feel ready… Maybe… I’ll be ready next year. But…’
‘Maybe you’ll never be ready?’ she inserted into the silence.
He nodded, confirming all her worst fears. It was like a punch to the gut. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘But you promis—’
‘I know,’ he said, sadly. ‘But look, we can um, think about it for a bit, hey? Nothing wrong with having dreams.’
‘I…’
‘Anyway I think, when you’re feeling like this – you know, low from the redundancy and everything – it’s better not to make any rash decis—’
The secret that she’d been keeping since Saturday morning suddenly felt more urgent and enormous than ever. She felt it heave inside her, bursting to be released.
‘Ben, I’ve bought a house,’ she said, rather more bluntly than she’d planned.
‘—ions. You’ve what?’
She calmly fixed her eyes on his. His hand, placed over hers, stiffened. She felt her heart thundering against her ribs. ‘Ben, I’ve bought a house in France.’
‘What? When? How…?’ he looked at her, incredulous.
‘Listen,’ she said, ‘I didn’t mean to go behind your back. I was just… well, it was the other night. I’d had… I mean there was a lot of wine. And I… I was just looking at properties. I wasn’t… I think I wanted to book a holiday or something, but not… Obviously not buy anything. But then in the morning I realised I’d clicked “buy it now” and committed to buy a place.’
‘Ahh.’ His shoulders relaxed and he smiled broadly. For a moment she thought he was going to throw caution to the wind. To leap up and say, ‘You’re right! Let’s do this!’
But instead he said: ‘Oh thank god for that. You know you’re not legally obligated to buy the place, then? It’s only… I mean, eBay can’t get you to… it’s not exactly a second-hand pair of jeans. Just tell them you’ve made a mistake!’ He shook his head fondly, relieved to have solved the problem, and stuck his fork confidently into a fresh potato.
‘No, Ben,’ she said, firmly. ‘I can’t.’
The potato crumbled under his fork. ‘What do you mean?’ he said.
‘Well, for starters, the guy who’s selling is a mayor, and the… well, he’s in charge of the police in the local area. And he’s written to me with full expectation that I’m going to come and sign.’
‘But, Lily,’ he said, his brow furrowed, ‘you know more about France than anyone. You know that these little local mayors don’t have any real power, don’t you? He can’t have you arrested and thrown in a dungeon for making a mistake on eBay.’
‘But…’
‘And I’m sure eBay will refund his listing, or relist his property or whatever. Plus, we can’t afford…’
‘But, Ben, don’t you see? This could be such a great move. It’s forty grand. We’ve got it… just, and we can sell this house, then fund the renovations. I can run holidays! Retreats! You can help. We’ll have an adventure… we’ll…’
‘Lily, stop.’
‘We’ll grow stuff in the garden, you’ve always wanted to grow vegetables…’
‘But I…’
‘Or what about…’ she said, thinking desperately. ‘How about we just give it a year? A year trying out this kind of life? A year at the French farmhouse to see whether it fits us… then we could…’
‘Lily, stop.’ Ben’s voice was firm. She looked at him and saw his face, pale with anger. His mouth was a thin line.
‘What?’ she said, feeling her stomach sink.
‘This is insane. You can’t just buy a house on a whim, then move countries without planning things, without working out how to open a business, or even viewing where you’re going to live. You need lists and plans; to think it all through properly.’