‘You’re not serious?’ she said. ‘You know I’ve – and I thought we’d – been planning this, making lists, thinking about it for, what? Twenty years? Christ, Ben, I’ve been doing French evening classes for the last two years. OK, my French isn’t perfect but…’
‘Look,’ he said, more gently, squeezing her hand. ‘I know it’s been a lot. And perhaps I haven’t… maybe I haven’t taken you as seriously as I should have. Maybe I’ve made promises without really… well, without thinking properly about the reality. It’s been, well, a bit of a stressful time at work for me. But that’s no excuse. I should have…’
‘Yes,’ she said, unbending. ‘You should have.’
‘OK, look,’ he said, brushing back his hair. ‘Maybe we could compromise. Book that longer holiday you were thinking about. For next summer, once Ty’s settled. Maybe not a month, but a fortnight or something. I could take time off, or work remotely. We can… maybe we can get it out of your system that way.’
‘Get it out of my system?’ she said, incredulous.
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Ben, listen!’ She pushed his arm away, not wanting to be comforted. Wanting him to understand.
He looked at her, his expression unreadable.
‘You’re probably right about the house. About the legal side of it. In fact, you definitely are. But it’s not that… it’s more…’ She took a deep breath and looked directly at him. ‘Ben, I think this is something I have to do. And maybe the bid was a mistake, but it’s given me something – us something – that could change our lives forever. I’m asking you to take a chance on this. On me, I suppose.’
He was silent for a moment. Then shook his head, slowly. ‘I can’t.’ His eyes were as wide as Ty’s used to be when refusing to eat cabbage. This was a serious, definite no.
‘You can! Come on! We can reclaim our lives… we can…’
‘I just can’t,’ he said sadly. ‘I’m not… I’m not built like you, Lily. I like travelling a bit, for holidays. And I thought… When we talked about France in the past, I wasn’t lying. I sort of liked the idea of doing it. But when it became real… Lily, the thought of moving to a whole new country where we don’t know anyone, don’t know how things work, trying to start from scratch, set up a business… It’s just too much.’
‘Oh Ben… but I can…’
‘I know I don’t love my job. But I like it enough. And it pays the bills. It’s steady. I suppose I’m boring, but I like things to be steady.’
‘But you always…’
‘And look, loads of people say they might emigrate one day, but hardly anyone does. So when we spoke about it, I suppose I was just… Well, you were so excited about the idea. It was nice to let you have your… eh, fantasy. But I just… Lily. I can’t do this. I just can’t.’
Lily could feel something inside herself sinking. This was really, truly a no. Not only a no for taking a leap of faith now. But no to ever actually moving over. All those conversations. The promises of ‘next year’ which always seemed to be pushed back. All those times when he’d nodded along. Had he been humouring her?
‘And what about what I want?’ she said, her voice unexpectedly thick with tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, pushing his chair back. ‘I just can’t.’ He stood up, his jaw clenched.
‘But, Ben!’
He turned and disappeared into the living room. Seconds later, she could hear the sound of the motor racing on TV.
As she sat there, rigid with a combination of stress and shock, she wondered whether she’d always agreed to his delays – his promises of future dates and next years, because on some level she’d known. Known that his heart wasn’t in it and been scared to hear him admit it.
Worse, she’d now discovered that, all things being equal, when faced with an ultimatum, he wouldn’t be willing to make a sacrifice for her. Not entertain her idea even for a trial period.
She’d spent years and years moulding herself around him, Ty, their family. Making sacrifices – maybe not earth-shattering ones, but the everyday sacrifices that parents make. And what had helped her through the difficult times, the frustrating moments – the moments when she’d felt completely invisible or unloved – was knowing that one day it would be her turn. She’d have the chance to live her life the way she’d always wanted; with Ben at her side.