“I can’t marry you,” I said straight-out, and watched as he suddenly lowered his gaze. He clasped his hands together, the sight of it making me ache. “It’s not because I don’t love you, because I do. It has to do with me and who I am. And who you are, too.”
For the first time he glanced over.
“I’m too young to be a mother and a wife. And you’re too young to be a husband and father, especially since the child wouldn’t even be yours. But I think you already know those things. Which means you wanted me to say yes for all the wrong reasons.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You don’t want to lose me,” I said. “That’s not the same thing as wanting to be with me.”
“They mean exactly the same thing,” he protested.
“No, they don’t. Wanting to be with someone is a positive thing. It’s about love and respect and desire. But not wanting to lose someone isn’t about those things. It’s about fear.”
“I do love you, though. And respect you—”
I reached for his hand to stop him. “I know. And I think you’re the most incredible, intelligent, kind, and handsome guy I’ve ever met. It scares me to think that I met the love of my life at sixteen, but maybe I have. And maybe I’m making the biggest mistake of my life by saying what I am. But I’m not right for you, Bryce. You don’t even really know me.”
“Of course I know you.”
“You fell in love with the marooned, sixteen-year-old pregnant and lonely version of me, who also happened to be just about the only girl in Ocracoke even close to your age. I barely know who I am these days and it’s hard for me to remember who I was before I got here. Which also means that I have no idea who I’m going to be when I’m a year older and I’m not pregnant. You don’t know, either.”
“That’s silly.”
I forced myself to keep my voice steady. “Do you know what I’ve been thinking about ever since we met? I’ve been trying to picture who you’ll be when you’re an adult. Because I look at you and see someone who could probably be the president, if that’s what you set your mind to. Or fly helicopters or earn a million dollars or be the next Rambo or become an astronaut or anything else, because your future is unlimited. You have a potential that others can only dream about, simply because you’re you. And I could never ask you to give up those kinds of opportunities.”
“I told you that I could go to college next year—”
“I know you could,” I said. “Just as I know you’d always take me into account when you made that decision, too. But even that’s a limit and I couldn’t live with myself if I thought my presence in your life would ever take anything away from you.”
“How about if we wait a few years, then? Until I graduate?”
I raised an eyebrow. “A long engagement?”
“It doesn’t have to be an engagement. We can date.”
“How? We won’t be able to see each other.”
When he closed his eyes, I knew my earlier thoughts had been correct. There was something in him that didn’t only want but also needed me.
“Maybe I could go to school in Washington,” he muttered.
I could tell he was grasping, making it hard to go on. But I had no other choice. “And give up your dream? I know how much you’ve always wanted to go to West Point, and I want that for you, too. It would break my heart to think you gave up even one of your dreams for me. I want nothing more than for you to know I loved you enough to never take something like that away from you.”
“Then what are we going to do? Just walk away as though you and I never happened?”
I felt my own sadness expanding through me like an inflating balloon. “We can pretend it was a beautiful dream, one that we remember forever. Because we both loved each other enough to allow the other to grow.”
“That’s not good enough. I can’t imagine knowing that I’m never going to see you again.”
“Then let’s not say that. Let’s give it a few years. Meanwhile, you make decisions that are best for your future, and I’ll do the same. We go to school, we get jobs, we figure out who we are. And then, if we both think we want to give it another try, we can find each other and see what happens.”
“How long are you thinking?”
I swallowed, feeling the pressure behind my eyes begin to build. “My mom met my dad when she was twenty-four.”