Eli: But things don’t feel right between us.
Penny: Not sure they ever will.
“Can I ask you something?” Eli says as we’re lying in bed, his arm protectively around me of course.
“Sure,” I say as I clutch his pillow.
Dinner was a disaster, we didn’t know what to say to each other, so instead of talking, we just sat there and ate. I tried to do the dishes after but he wouldn’t let me. So then I ended up just scrolling through TikTok and replying to comments from trolling fans with just enough sass not to get me fired but to make everyone laugh.
“Have you ever thought about being a parent? Before all of this? Were children in your future?”
Oh . . . I wasn’t expecting him to ask that. Something so deep.
“Um, I assumed that I’d probably have kids one day once I was married and settled. I never expected to have a kid like this. But yeah, I’d say at some point, I’d probably have kids.”
He’s silent for a second before he says, “I always swore I wouldn’t. It’s why I lived the type of lifestyle that I lived, never really attaching to anything. It was easier that way.”
Quietly, I say, “Can’t lose something you don’t have.”
“Exactly.” He squeezes me a little tighter. “But things have changed. I don’t have a choice other than to accept this new person into my world, and that freaks me the fuck out. I don’t want to do this alone. And it’s fucking with my head that things are weird between us again. I just . . . I need you to promise me that no matter what happens between us, we’ll always be there for each other. You can count on me, and I can count on you.”
“Why are you bringing this up now?”
“Because I can feel us drifting apart after last night, and that fucking scares me. All of this scares me, but knowing I had you at my side made it easier. If that’s taken away from me, I don’t think I can be the man I need to be.”
Needing to look him in the eyes, I turn toward him and press my hand to his cheek. “Eli, you don’t need me in order to be the good man you already are.”
Vulnerability flashes through his eyes. “This is overwhelming for me, Penny. You have your parents to help navigate you through all of this. I don’t have that. I don’t have someone to guide me. And I’m so fucking scared that I’ll fuck this up. That I won’t be a father this baby deserves. I need someone to lean on, someone to guide me when I’m being an idiot.”
“Eli, you’re not going to do this alone. I promise. Whatever happens, we will make it work.”
“Promise me,” he says, his voice so heavy with concern that it nearly splits me in two. I now understand this man very well. He’s terrified of being alone again. Even though he lived a fun and seemingly carefree life, I’ve caused a disruption that terrifies him. I’ll do anything I can to ensure he has his family intact.
“I promise, Eli.”
“Thank you.” He leans in and presses a soft kiss to my forehead before pulling away.
From the outside, Eli looks like a well put together man. He appears strong and confident like nothing fazes him as he struts through life in his three-piece suit. He’s easygoing with a solid head on his shoulders, the first guy to welcome you. In getting to know him, I see that yes, he’s all of those things, but he’s also incredibly vulnerable, a young boy looking for someone to love him, someone to take his hand and walk him through this life, so he’s not alone. And that right there . . . that breaks me. Because I am fairly certain I wish I could be the woman to do that for him. To love him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
ELI
“Dude, what the fuck is going on?” Posey whispers as we sit on the bench, watching another loss unfold in front of us. “Your head isn’t in the game.”
It’s not.
I’ve tried so fucking hard to prepare for tonight, to mentally get to where I need to, but I can’t seem to push past my worries where Penny and the baby are concerned. My conversation with Penny last night hit me hard, leaving me feeling raw and exposed. I voiced my concerns, and now that they’re out there in the world, I’m scared.
This morning, Penny and I ate breakfast sandwiches together that I picked up from the coffee shop around the corner. She asked me questions about the game, everything felt normal from the outside looking in, but it’s not normal. Nothing is fucking normal.
Because what I realized very quickly is that I like this girl. I really fucking like her, and I don’t think I can do anything about it. I’m not relationship material, I wouldn’t even know how to be in one if I was, but being this close to Penny, clinging to her every night, leaning on her for help? It’s making me think. It’s making me want . . . more.