I want to be a better man.
I want to be an amazing father.
I want to be an equal partner in this parenting adventure.
And fuck me . . . I want Penny.
And that’s the problem. I can’t have all those things, especially Penny. I would be too damn scared to lose her. Too damn nervous to see her slip through my fingers.
That’s what’s been playing in my head all day.
That’s why I can’t get it together on the ice to save my life, and that’s exactly why we’re down by two goals, with a minute left in the game.
Coach pulled my line, and I don’t fucking blame him. We’ve been playing like shit. He’s been pacing the back of the bench, a rolled-up piece of paper in his hand, ready to strike any second. I can feel his anger beating down on me.
Why are you fucking up, Hornsby?
Because I can’t get my head on straight.
I press my hand to my forehead. “I’m all kinds of fucked up,” I say to Posey.
“Dude, we need to talk after this if we have any chance of staying in this series.”
“Yeah, I know.”
The countdown begins, we all know we lost, and when the final buzzer sounds, the disappointed fans hang their heads low as they trudge up the stairs and out to their cars while we, the team, collectively gather our shit and head into the locker room.
We’re flying to Washington tonight. Coach wanted to get us there as soon as possible to get adjusted, and I’m sure it will be a silent-as-shit flight.
There isn’t much talking in the locker room. We all know where we went wrong. We all know where we need to improve. The only thing that is said is from Coach when he pokes his head into the locker room and tells us we have “forty-five fucking minutes to get our asses on the team bus” that will take us to the airport. Would we have preferred to drive ourselves? Take our time? Of course, but we aren’t afforded that luxury when we lose like we did.
We all put it into high gear and strip down, take showers, and pack up. Our gear will be rank when we open it up tomorrow because it didn’t have time to dry. Lucky equipment managers. Since I don’t have to do much after the game, I spend a little more time under the pounding water of the shower and then fit myself into my suit, which is the last fucking thing I want to put on right now.
I don’t mind the tradition of wearing a suit before and after the game. Still, after a brutal loss and everything hanging so heavily over my head, I just want to slip into a pair of sweatpants and then cuddle into Penny under her silky sheets.
“Meet me on the bus,” Posey says. “We have some talking to do.”
Great.
Just what I want to do.
Talk more.
I pack up, place my bag over my shoulder, and head out of the locker room behind a couple of guys only to hear my name called. Normally, I wouldn’t look up, but I know that voice.
Penny.
I pause and turn around to find her standing against the wall wearing that shirt again, the one with my name on the back. An instant flood of relief and comfort pulses through me as I walk over to her.
“Sorry about the loss,” she says when I move in only a foot away.
“I played like absolute shit,” I reply.
“We all have our bad days.”
“I’ve been having quite a few.”
“It’s been done before, Eli, a win when you’re down like this. There’s still hope.”
“I know.” I blow out a heavy breath and reach out to take her hand in mine. She lets me, thankfully. “Are you good? Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I know you guys are leaving, so I wanted to catch you before you left. I have something for you.”
“You do?” I ask.
She nods and then opens her purse and pulls out a bag of gummy bears. “Just in case you don’t have any for the away trip.”
I take the bag from her and stare down at the ridiculous candy that has been a huge part of my game since my mom gave me my first bag. I then wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her into a hug. “Thank you, Penny. This means a lot to me.”
She hugs me back, the warmth of her body something I desperately wish I could bottle and use whenever I’m feeling lonely or afraid. “Of course.” She pulls away and pats me on the chest. “Now, stop losing and go give us a win.”
I chuckle. “If only it were that easy.” I let out a heavy sigh.
“Is everything okay with you, Eli? I’m sure it’s the last thing you want to hear, but you really didn’t seem like yourself out there.”