“Anything, baby,” I say, kissing her shoulder.
“Remi . . . why do you hate him so much?”
Hell, I knew she was going to ask this question. It was only a matter of time. A part of me thinks that I should just tell her the semi-truth, how he’s a horrible player, harp on that again because that’s what I’ve told her before. But I know, deep in my bones, that if I’m going to work on keeping Penny in my life, I need to start owning up to the truth.
My thumb moves over her stomach as I say, “You know Holmes had a twin brother, right?”
“Holden?” she asks.
“Yes. We were all pretty close actually. Not sure if you knew that. This was obviously before you worked for the Agitators. But it was during All-Star weekend. Holden came to visit. We were going to watch Halsey in the game together. Anyway, we were out the night before, and we were drinking. I wasn’t aware that Holden had a drinking problem. Halsey never spoke about it, so I never thought much of it. I just thought he liked to toss back quite a few on a night off. That night, Remi came into the bar. We already hated each other because of how he acted on the ice, so when I saw him, in my drunk state, I grew angry.”
I pause because fuck, it’s painful.
Penny, though, she squeezes my hand and gently says, “It’s okay. Take your time.”
After a few more moments, I say, “Remi and I got into it, so bad that we started fighting, and we were kicked out of the bar. I can’t fucking remember much of what happened after that because we were torn off each other, there was some media shit I had to deal with, and before I knew it, Holden left. We were supposed to leave together. It wasn’t until the next morning that I found out he was in a car accident and died.”
“Oh, Eli,” Penny says as she turns in my arms and faces me.
“I . . . fuck . . . I couldn’t even look at Halsey for a goddamn month because I knew it was my fault. I knew if I hadn’t let Remi get to me, that Holden would have never driven drunk.”
“No.” Penny shakes her head. “His death is not your fault. You can’t hold on to that, Eli. Holden had a problem, and if it wasn’t that night, it would have been another night. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“I do, though. And I blame Remi. Fuck, I blame Halsey and Holden too. They should have told me. I never would have taken him to the bar, and I never would have left him.” I choke up as I say, “He . . . he was like a brother to me, and once again, I lost another person in my life. But this . . . this was my adult life, and fuck, it felt even more painful than before because I knew I could have prevented it. If I’d made smart choices, I could have prevented it.”
“Eli.” She forces me to look her in the eyes. “I love you, you know this, I love you so, so much, but you can’t control other people. You can’t control the choices they make, and yes, you made a choice to fight with Remi, but Holden made the ultimate choice that night, and he chose to drive when he shouldn’t have. There is nothing you could have done about that.”
Tears well up in my eyes, and before I can stop them, they fall down my cheeks, but Penny is there . . . she’s right there, to kiss them away.
And that’s exactly what she does. Every time a tear falls, she presses her lips to my cheeks. When she’s not doing that, she’s holding me . . . loving on me as the sorrow that’s been building in my body since the morning of Holden’s death finally starts to release.
Because of this woman.
Because of the unconditional love she gives me.
Because, even though I can’t seem to vocalize how I feel . . . she vocalizes it for the both of us.
And for that, I know I’ll never ever let her go.
“Everything looks great,” Big Pecs says before turning toward Penny and me. “But I’m sensing some tension between the two of you. Am I right?”
“Everything is fine,” I say just as Penny sits up on her elbows.
“He’s lying to you. Everything is not fine.”
After one of the worst nights of my life, which turned quickly into one of the best, things have been better between Penny and me. It’s almost as if she’s starting to understand me, and even though I might not say what she wants, she still tells me every chance she gets how much she loves me.
And every time she says it, I think it’s sinking in more and more.
Big Pecs crosses one leg over the other and says, “Care to talk about it?”
I hold my hand up. “Seriously, everything is fine.”