Silence greets us for what feels like an eternity, but when he finally speaks up, he says, “Eli. Please call me Eli.”
“Oh . . . I’m sorry, Eli.”
His lips rub together before he looks away. “I understand where you’re coming from, and like I said, apology not needed, but I accept it either way.” He grips his hands together, fingers lacing. “I know things are kind of weird right now. Pacey is on the verge of a heart attack or committing murder, you have got to be terrified, and well, frankly, I feel like everything is crumbling around me, and I have no control over it.” He turns toward me. “And I say that just so you understand where I’m at.”
I nod. “I understand completely. I’ve had the same feeling.”
“And not to get too much into it, but I haven’t had the best of luck growing up, so the idea of trying to raise a child when I can barely figure out how to mentally push past the feeling of abandonment that I live with on a daily basis, well . . . it’s fucking with my head.”
Abandonment? Who abandoned him?
Just goes to show how much I don’t know about this man.
But from the strain in his eyes and the tension in his shoulders, I can tell that this news is not easy for him. It seems to have awakened the demons he’s apparently living with, and that can’t possibly be a simple thing to face. I’d hate to see him fall down a dark path, one that brings him pain, and despite being scared and afraid, the last thing I want to do is make this hard on someone who is already possibly suffering.
I have a solid support system, and I know if it came down to it, my mom would come out to help me if I truly needed it. But like Pacey said, I have him, I have Blakely, and I have Winnie. I’ll be okay.
I’m not so sure Eli will.
Which only means one thing . . .
I wipe at my cheeks and take a deep breath. “Eli.” His beautiful eyes meet mine. “I’m not sure what you’re dealing with mentally. I can’t possibly know because we barely know each other outside of hockey, but what I do know is I wouldn’t want to put you in a position where you’re fighting demons that have reawakened from your past. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for the team. Hockey is your number one priority along with your mental health.” I reach out and press my hand to his knee. “It’s okay. I can do this.”
His head slightly tilts to the side as he studies me, and after a few beats, he says, “Christ, you’re a strong woman, Penny. But that’s not what I was trying to say. I wasn’t looking for an out, but rather, looking for an in.”
Confused, I sit up. “What are you talking about?”
“I want to preface this by saying, your brother isn’t forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. He’s a strong, opinionated man, but if I wanted to take him on one-on-one, there’s no doubt I would win.” I believe it. Hornsby, oh, I mean Eli, is two inches taller than Pacey with probably ten more pounds of muscle. My brother is big, but Eli could easily take him. There is no doubt in my mind. “I don’t want to be the person who walks out, like my dad. I don’t want to be the unreliable person who doesn’t understand the importance of bringing another human life into this world. I grew up without a father, and I’ll be damned if this baby lives that same life.” He shakes his head. “That circle ends here.” He reaches out to touch my hand. “You will not be walking this journey alone, Penny.”
Probably because of the conviction in his voice and the sincerity in his eyes, tears I’ve been holding back cascade down my heated cheeks.
You will not be walking this journey alone, Penny.
It’s all I can think about as he continues to speak. “I want to be here for every step of it, every part of this. I want . . . well”—he grips the back of his neck—“I want to get to know you better and build a friendship, so when our baby is born, he or she will know that there is no animosity between us. I want him to know we’re friends.”
“I would like to be friends,” I say, knowing damn well he made a point of saying friends. Not that I’d want anything romantic to happen between us—I’m not even close to thinking about that at the moment—but from that comment, it’s obvious where Eli stands. Friendship and that’s it. Even though he was attracted to me, pregnancy has totally eradicated that.
“And I know this is asking a lot, but if you’re okay with it, I’d like to stay here with you—”