The girl who was told she was bad at sex?
I haven’t had much experience in the bedroom. I mean, I’ve had moments, but I add “rocks people’s worlds” to my sexual résumé. I’d say average with an occasional moment that borders spectacular.
But to rock Eli Hornsby’s world? That just doesn’t seem possible.
Eli: Did I say too much?
Penny: No, sorry. I was just . . . well, I guess I’m not good at taking compliments, and I wasn’t expecting you to say that. But I guess . . . thank you. Seems weird to say thank you, but I don’t know what else to say.
Eli: How about we say good night? I’m sure you’re tired, and, uh, I need to shake this adrenaline off somehow, and when I say that, I mean staying in my hotel room and finding something to do. Like I said before, you don’t have to worry about me sleeping around.
Penny: If you need to, it’s fine.
Eli: I don’t want to, Penny. Okay. It’s just not in me anymore.
Penny: Okay . . . well, good to know. This might be the little sister in me coming out with a dumb question, but were you alluding to the fact that you’re going to go, you know, pleasure yourself now?
Eli: Yes, it was. LOL. I’m becoming reacquainted with my friend the right hand.
Penny: Is it weird we’re talking about masturbation?
Eli: You tell me.
Penny: Sort of, but I guess I enjoy the honesty. So . . . have fun whacking off.
Eli: I never should have told you.
Penny: You probably shouldn’t have. This will live in my mind forever.
Eli: Fantastic.
Penny: How was your night? Romantic?
Eli: I really shouldn’t have told you.
Penny: It’s all I could think about last night and not in a creepy I’m picturing you and your orgasm face kind of way, but more fascinated in the process.
Eli: I don’t have an orgasm face.
Penny: Ha . . . okay.
Eli: I’m not even going to ask.
Penny: It’s best you don’t.
Eli: And what do you mean by the process?
Penny: Well, you know. Did you light a candle? Use lotion? Set up the tissues? Play some romantic music? Strike up a conversation with your hand before you brought it down south . . .
Eli: Are you always like this? Is this the real Penny and you’ve been hiding her all along?
Penny: I’m afraid to answer that.
Eli: If the answer is yes, I don’t mind her. I just need to mentally prepare myself for what to expect moving forward.
Penny: Then yes, this is me in all of my glory. Awkward, weird, asks uncomfortable questions, and doesn’t tend to have a filter when rambling.
Eli: I accept this. And if you have to know, it was in the shower. Easier that way.
Penny: Fascinating. Okay, I can go on with my day now.
Eli: Glad I could assist.
Eli: Have you ever gotten stitches?
Penny: Are we just asking questions now without any lead-in? Nothing like how’s your day going? Just straight to the point?
Eli: Penny, how is your day going? Have you ever gotten stitches?
Penny: It’s okay. I dry-heaved into my waste basket while in the middle of a meeting with an intern and told him I had bad shrimp the night before. He turned a hideous shade of gray, and I’m pretty sure he’ll pray to the Lord up above to never have to work with me again. Other than that, great. Feeling good. And yes, I’ve gotten stitches before.
Eli: I thought the morning sickness was easing.
Penny: It is. I think it was because this kid’s cologne was next level. Nearly gagged me. But I wasn’t about to tell him that.
Eli: Okay. But you’re doing okay?
Penny: Yessssssss, Eli. I’m fine.
Eli: Don’t appreciate the sass, but we’ll move on. Where were the stitches? And why did you have to get them?
Penny: My palm. I was cutting a bagel and ended up slicing right through my hand. The bagel was later used to help sop up my blood.
Eli: Were you allowed to cut bagels after that?
Penny: Funnily enough, the next day, there was a bagel-cutting device in the kitchen. Pacey will deny it to this day, but he passed out in the car when I showed him my flapping skin. He said he was tired, but we all know the cut was too gruesome for him.
Eli: Logging that away for future teasing when we’re back to normal.
Penny: Did you do the thing I told you to do?
Eli: Pin him against the wall and give him a noogie?
Penny: Yeah.
Eli: No, because that was terrible advice.
Penny: How do you know? You didn’t try.
Eli: I ran it by Posey. He said if I was looking to get an uppercut into the ribs, then go for it.