“Because you like her,” Taters says, causing me to blow out a heavy sigh.
“You see, that’s the thing. I think I was just feeling that way because she’s a female figure in my life, and I want to protect her.”
“Is that what your therapist said?” Taters asks.
“It’s what we concluded.”
“Uh-huh, and did you tell him that you can’t stop thinking about her sexually?”
“Dude, I don’t think about her like that.”
“Bullshit, you said you couldn’t get her out of your head, and that’s why you haven’t hooked up with anyone else.”
“Well, yeah. I mean”—I lean in and whisper—“she was the best sex I’ve ever had. It’s going to take a second to recover from that.”
“Did you tell your therapist that?”
“No, he doesn’t need to know that.”
“Uh, yeah, he does. You’re giving him half the story, man. He’s going to think that you’re having some mom complex when the reality is, Penny Lawes is rocking your goddamn world, and you have no clue how to deal with it.”
“I don’t like her like that.”
“Bull . . . shit,” he says. “You can deny that all you want, but the fact is, you slept with her because you thought she was hot. Now you’re getting to know her on a deeper level, you’re starting to realize how amazing she is, and you don’t know how to handle that.”
“That’s so not fucking true,” I say. “And even if it were true, Lawes looked me in the goddamn eyes and told me not to go there with her. That I wasn’t the guy she needed. Do you really think I’m going to go against what Lawes has said after everything that happened? Fuck no.”
“Funny thing is, Lawes might be her brother, but he doesn’t get to dictate your life. If you like her, go for it.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think I can provide her with what she needs. I’m not in the right mindset to even think about a relationship. I’m not sure how to even have one. I’m sure as hell not going to try to figure it out while navigating this pregnancy. It’s a bad fucking idea.”
“Okay,” Taters says while he starts to pedal again. “But I’m going to tell you right now, the minute another man snatches her up, you’re going to regret everything you just said to me.”
I want to believe he’s wrong, but a small part of me thinks that he might be right.
“Good game tonight.” Penny’s voice cuts through the dark of the night.
I pause mid-stride to the bathroom. “Jesus, I didn’t know you were awake.”
She rolls to the side and flips on her nightstand light, illuminating her beautiful yet sleepy face. “I was in and out a bit.” With her palm, she rubs her eye. “Coach was smart not giving you too much playing time.”
“Yeah, he’s saving us for the first round. I’m glad we’re in the playoffs, but the wild card blows—”
“Because you have to play the top seed,” she finishes for me. “Yeah, that sucks. But I think you guys have it in you to beat Washington.”
“Thanks. Well, I’m going to get ready for bed and then hang out in the living room to cool off a bit.”
“Want me to join you?”
“No, get your rest. You’re fine.”
I move through the bedroom and bathroom as quietly as I can, and when I’m done getting ready, I retreat to the main living space, where I grab myself a glass of water.
My body is sore.
Everywhere.
Even though I didn’t play too much today, the season is catching up to me, and I can practically feel every last muscle in my body telling me that it’s ready to be done with the abuse it’s been put through.
Happens every year.
My ribs get to the point where sometimes, it hurts to breathe from all the battered blows they’ve taken. My legs feel like noodles, and the only reason I’m able to skate on them is because of the impeccable training staff we have who revitalize me every day. And my brain is mentally exhausted. The hockey season is a long-ass season, not to mention the playoffs on top of that.
My mind is already thinking about the quiet peacefulness of being in Banff, surrounded by trees, and not having to worry about what I eat, conserving energy, and who the hell we’re playing next.
I’ve never been this mentally checked out of the playoffs before, but I think it’s from the emotional journey I’ve been on these last few months. It’s been difficult, to say the least, and I’m ready for it all to be over.