Look at me, Raquel, smile at me, show me that everything is all right.
But she doesn’t and that stresses me out. I don’t want to screw up again, but apparently that’s something that comes naturally to me.
“I have plans too,” she says suddenly, in a strange tone. Did it bother her that I’m meeting my friends? She’s going out too.
What if it’s with that friend of hers?
Raquel looks at me out of the corner of her eye, and I realize that I’ve been silent for a while, and she’s waiting for a reply. But asking her who she’s meeting seems worse than keeping quiet. I don’t know if telling her that I trust her would make it better or worse.
As we park in front of her friend’s house, she barely looks at me as she gets out of the car.
No, this is not right.
Concerned, I get out and follow her.
“Raquel.”
She doesn’t turn around.
“Raquel.” I step in front of her. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” But her eyes dodge mine: she’s lying.
“I don’t understand you. Did I do something wrong?”
“Just forget it, Ares.” Her tone is cold now, and it terrifies me.
“Raquel, look at me.” She does, crossing her arms over her chest. She’s defensive and I have no fucking idea why. I thought that everything was going well and that last night I showed her how much I care. “I’m trying, okay? I’m a mess, but I’m trying.”
“What are you trying to do? You drop me off and then say you’re going out with your ex.” I open my mouth to reply, but she cuts me off. “With your friends, fine, but without me, right? Do you care about me or not? I don’t understand anything anymore. And I don’t want you to hurt me anymore.”
“And I don’t want to hurt you,” I protest. Obviously, I’m failing.
“So, tell me: What do you feel for me?”
The question catches me off guard. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, and I close it again. A sad smile crosses her face.
“When you can answer that question, come find me,” she says.
And with that, she leaves me standing there with the words choking in my throat, and my heart burning in my chest. I can’t answer her question, even though I know the answer.
THIRTY
The Disappointment
- Raquel -
Time heals a broken heart.
Whoever said that needed to specify how much time was needed for that to be true. As the days go by, I only feel worse. I distract myself with school, hanging out with Dani, reading, and going for walks with Rocky. Nothing seems to be working. I guess my feelings will eventually fade but not in a few days.
I’m unsure of how I would react if I were to see Ares again, so I look to Dani. “I need you to be my hand brake.”
Dani gives me a weird look. “Your what?”
“My hand brake . . . like the one that cars have, so you can stop me when I lose my brakes, which in this case would be my self-control—”
“Stop,” Dani interrupts me. “First of all, that’s the worst analogy you’ve ever made and believe me you’ve made some pretty bad ones.” I open my mouth to protest, but she continues. “Second, you want me to stop you every time you want to open your legs for Ares? Got it. Without so much beating around the bush and meaningless analogies.”
“My analogies are the best.”
It’s after school, and we’re in her room. It’s Monday, and the beginning of the week has hit me hard. I feel so exhausted. Why do I have to study?
Because you need a future, my mom’s grumpy voice lectures in my head. Dani returns with her phone in her hand.
“I already know the whole Ares story, but there’s something I don’t understand.”
“What?”
“Today you were avoiding Yoshi at school as if he had the plague. Why?”
I let myself fall on the bed, hugging a pillow. “I may have skipped telling you that part of the weekend,” I answer.
Dani lets herself fall on the bed next to me and turns her face to see me.
“What happened?”
I stare at the ceiling for a moment, saying nothing, and Dani seems to understand everything.
“He finally told you that he likes you?”
I turn my head toward her so fast that my neck hurts. “You knew it?”
“Everyone knew but you.”
I hit her with the pillow. “But what . . . ? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It wasn’t my secret to tell.”