“I gave you so much trust, so much freedom, and this is how you pay me back?”
I don’t know what to say, I just lower my head in embarrassment. I hear her take a deep breath.
“You know better than anyone what I went through with your father. You went through it with me! I thought the only good thing we got out of that situation was that you would learn from me, that you would be an intelligent young woman who would know how to value herself.” Her voice cracks. “That you wouldn’t be like me.”
I know what she means. I can still feel her sadness when she remembers Dad and everything he put her through. I really have no way to justify myself. I did everything behind her back when she trusted me.
I look up, and I start to sob. My mom is touching her chest as if trying to ease the pain.
“I’m . . . I’m so sorry, Mom.”
She shakes her head, wiping away her tears. “I am so disappointed.”
Me, too, Mom, I’m disappointed in myself too.
She sits on the couch. “This hurts me so much, I thought I raised you better, I thought we were a team.”
“We are a team, Mommy.”
“What did I do wrong?” she asks. “Where did I fail you?” I kneel in front of her and take her face in my hands.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, nothing wrong, Mommy. It’s my fault.” She pulls me to her and hugs me.
“Oh, my child.” She kisses my hair and keeps crying, and my heart is so wrinkled and sore that I can only cry with her.
THIRTY-ONE
The Punishment
Gray.
This is how I would describe the next two weeks of my life. Grounded, I can only leave the house for school and for some shifts at work, and then I have to return as soon as the dismissal bell rings or after I’m done with my job.
Even though I promised my mom that Ares was out of my life, she still punished me. I am dutifully serving my sentence because she’s right. I didn’t do things the right way. Maybe if Ares was my official boyfriend, I could defend myself. But I can’t expect her to understand that I agreed to be with a guy who doesn’t want a stable relationship.
Yes, the last time I saw him he was nice, but he couldn’t even tell me that he likes me. I don’t expect him to tell me that he loves me; I just need to hear . . . something… words that prove that he does have feelings for me, and it’s not just sexual attraction.
I haven’t heard anything from Ares for two weeks, and I haven’t even looked out of the window to try to see him. What for? What would I gain by doing that? To torture myself more? No thanks, I’ve had enough.
A part of me feels that the conversation with my mom gave me back my strength and everything I threw aside for Ares. Well, not for him, because he didn’t make me—I decided to do it.
The saddest part of this situation? Yoshi.
Surprisingly, it’s not my mom’s slap that makes my heart hurt. It’s Yoshi.
I feel betrayed on so many levels. Yoshi told my mom everything, and it hurts me so much. He’s been my best friend since we were little. He’s always been there, but the fact that he betrayed me—and in such a big way—leaves me with a wound in my heart. I don’t know if he did it because he thought that it was the best thing for me or if it was out of jealousy, but either way it was wrong. You tell someone secrets because you trust them. I trusted him, and he took that trust and destroyed it.
Dani was furious when I told her what he had done. She threatened to hit him along with a couple of other violent things too graphic to describe. I had to calm her down and force her to promise to leave him alone. I don’t want any more drama. I just want time to keep passing, for my wounds to start healing, and for these feelings to go away.
Yes, I want a miracle.
Anyone would think that Yoshi would try to apologize, but he hasn’t. He just avoids me and ducks his head every time I run into him at school. I’ve wanted to confront him, yell at him, slap him, see what excuses he uses, but I just don’t have the energy for it.
Apolo and I have become a little closer, although every time I hang out with him, I can’t help but think about his brother. But I just deal with it. What happened between Ares and me isn’t his fault.
I let out a long sigh. It’s Saturday, and I’m cleaning the house. I feel like a zombie, moving automatically. I can tell I’m a little depressed. I don’t know if it’s because of Ares, the situation with my mom, the situation with Yoshi, or maybe a combination of all three.
Rocky is sitting with his muzzle on his front paws, looking at me as if he knows I’m not feeling well. My dog and I have a connection beyond words. I kneel in front of him and rub his head. Rocky licks my fingers.