Lying to myself had been so easy, but it didn’t last for long. I knew I was in trouble when I started rejecting girls because I didn’t feel anything. It was as if Raquel had monopolized everything I felt, and that terrified me. I have always had control over my life, over what I want, over other people. Giving up that control was impossible; I couldn’t give it up to her.
I hurt her again and again. She took each blow, each hurtful word. I wanted to believe that she would give up, and my life would return to normal, but deep down I prayed that she wouldn’t, that she would wait a little longer until I sorted out my mess.
She waited, but she also got tired. Now she wants me to start from zero, to fight for her all over again.
Why not?
If anyone deserves my effort, it’s her. It’s the least I can do after all the pain I caused her. I’m grateful that she gave me a chance to win her back. I’m grateful that she invited me into her room. I needed this. I needed the comfort and peace that she gives me.
Finishing my hot chocolate, I put the cup aside and stretch my legs, placing my hands at my sides. I dare to look at her, and she’s still blowing on what’s left of her drink. I guess it’s warmer for her than it was for me, I was so cold when I drank it.
Taking advantage of her distraction, I slowly observe her. Her pajamas are one of those onesies that have a zipper in the middle and a hood with little ears. She must look adorable with the hood covering her head. Her hair is in a messy bun that looks tousled as if she’s tossed and turned a lot.
Couldn’t sleep, huh?
Inevitably, my eyes fall on her face, and linger on her lips, which are half-open as she blows her hot chocolate again.
I want to kiss her. To feel her against me.
It feels like it’s been forever since I last tasted her lips, and it’s only been a week. As if sensing my gaze, Raquel turns to me.
“What?”
I want you so bad. I want to hold your face in my hands and kiss you, to feel your body against mine.
I shake my head slightly. “Nothing.”
She looks away, and a blush colors her cheeks. I love the effect I have on her because she has the same effect on me, if not stronger. I can’t touch her. She let me in here, and I can’t scare her away now.
I sigh, listening to the raindrops hitting the window. I feel so much better now. Just having her by my side makes me feel better.
I am so fucked.
I feel her hand on mine on the carpet, and the warmth of her skin fills me and comforts me. I don’t dare to look at her because I know that, if I do, I’ll be close to losing control and begging for her kisses.
With my eyes on the wet windowpane, I say it.
“My grandfather is hospitalized.”
For a second, she says nothing.
“What happened?”
“He had a stroke and passed out in the bathroom.” My eyes follow a raindrop slowly sliding down the window. “It took the nurses at the retirement home two hours to notice, to find him unconscious, so we don’t know if he’ll wake up or if there will be any aftereffects.”
She squeezes my hand. “I’m so sorry, Ares.”
“Two hours . . .” I mutter, feeling a lump forming in my throat, but I swallow hard. “We should never have let them take him to that retirement home. We had enough money to pay for a nurse to take care of him at home. He was fine at home. If he had been at home, this shit wouldn’t have happened.”
“Ares . . .”
“We should have fought the decision. We were fucking cowards. Of course, my uncles wanted him to go. I’m sure they were crossing their fingers that he would die there so they could claim his inheritance. My uncles, my cousins . . .” I make a sweeping gesture with my arm. “They disgust me. You have no idea what money can do to people. My father was the only one who decided not to live off my grandfather’s money. He accepted money to start his business and when he became successful, he paid my grandfather back. I think that’s why my grandfather was always closer to us. In a way, he respected my father.”
Raquel caresses my hand in a soothing way as I continue.
“My grandfather loved us so much, and we let them take him to that place. And now he’s . . .” I take a deep breath. “I feel so guilty.”
I look down. Raquel moves and sits on my lap. The warmth of her body caresses mine and her hands hold my face, forcing me to look at her.
“It’s not your fault, Ares. It wasn’t your decision. You can’t blame yourself for what other people did.”
“I should have fought more, done more.”