“I’m not sure. It’s kind of a mixture of different things. I’ve never even tried to have a real girlfriend before.”
“Walk me through the combination of reasons.” His hands clasp together across his knee. He looks put together with his gray hair combed over and his pressed suit.
“I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like. My parents didn’t love each other. I was a credit line at Barney’s for my mom, an endless tie to my dad’s bank account. So I’m not sure what real love even looks or feels like. That’s a scary thought in itself.” How can I recognize something I have no clue about?
“If you could describe love to me, what would you say?” His questions never let me off easy. No, I consider them shit-stirring instead of open-ended.
“Hmm.” I rub the back of my neck. “I think love is about happiness and sacrifice. Compromising instead of arguing. Having someone who is always there for you even when you don’t deserve it. Loving someone means you want to spend the rest of your life with them, on the good days and the bad days and everything in between.”
He looks proud of what I said, nodding along with me and hanging on each word. A small ounce of pride rushes through me at my thoughtful answer.
“Those are all great ideas of love. And what would be the reasons holding you back from trying with someone? Let’s use Maya as an example since you bring her up during our sessions.”
I sit and think about his question for a full minute. He doesn’t push me when I stay quiet, instead preferring to wait it out, putting less pressure on me to fill the silence.
“I think I’m afraid.” Words leave my lips in a whisper. I don’t like admitting fear about anything when I drive cars faster than any other man in the world for fuck’s sake.
“Fear is not always a weakness. It’s what you do with the fear that shows your true strength. What exactly are you afraid of?” This man and his board of inspirational quotes.
“Not giving it my best and failing. Disappointing her and not being able to be there when she needs me. Breaking her heart and mine in the process. The thought of giving someone power over me…” I look down at my hands. Rough fingertips press together in a fidgeting motion that reminds me of Maya. Ever since Baku, thinking about her makes my chest constrict weirdly like it recognizes how much of a dumbass I am.
“Those are all reasons anyone would be afraid and worried about trying. You’re not alone in thinking that. A lot of people share similar reservations when they start a relationship because loving someone makes you vulnerable.”
I didn’t know that.
“How would you feel if Maya dated another person who is willing to love her like you described earlier?”
I clench my hands. The thought of her dating, kissing, or fucking another guy makes me sick. I don’t deserve her, but screw anyone else who tries.
“I wouldn’t like it one fucking bit.”
“And why is that?” He doesn’t flinch at my cursing, further evidence of why I like this man.
“Because I’ll be wishing it was me who could do those things with her.”
My admission sits with us like a third person. Minutes pass by as I devise a plan, the sound of the clock ticking to the rhythm of my bouncing leg.
“I think I have an idea for what I need to do. But I want to run it by you.”
My therapist smiles at me. He helps me build confidence, listening to my ideas while offering insight and opposing viewpoints. I’m fucking done sitting on the sidelines thinking about my mistakes, because I’m the type to be on the front of the grid with a pole-position start.
Time to get my trophy.
23
Maya
“Listen, the last date was bad, but this one will be better. I pinky promise. We can ditch together if it goes terrible.” Sophie holds my hand before linking our pinkies together, forcing a promise on me before I agree.
I groan. Another date sounds like a terrible idea. “The last one included a guy bringing out photos of his family and ex-wife. He even told me how they got married and divorced, tearing up as the waiter brought out our dessert. I’ll never look at tiramisu the same way again.”
“Okay, I get it. That wasn’t my best work. I’m still fixing the kinks in my magic wand dildo thing. But I picked two good ones this time.” Her green eyes fill with hope.
“That sounds so wrong. Who are the new guys?”
Since we both can suffer together, I give in to the plan. I don’t want to risk it with another disastrous date because a woman can only take so many photo albums.