There's nothing I wish for more than being able to heal the inner child inside of Nox, the one who was betrayed in the worst possible ways by the one person who should have been protecting her son from such things, but I can’t. Just as Nox can't go back in time and stop my bond from coming out in that car, or to rescue me from the Resistance camps, no matter how much he wishes he could take the knife out of Silas Davies' hands and shove it into his chest instead.
I move slowly to look around the room at all of the shadow creatures sleeping amongst us, named after the angels and demons that Nox had spent so long praying to, desperate for them to rescue him.
I know them all now.
Each one of them meets my eyes as I look around the room. I had never felt any threat from any of them before, only once had any of them shown any sort of interest in defending Nox against me at that awful dinner that I had misspoken at, but even then, I knew that they wouldn't hurt me, just that they wanted me to stop.
Azrael is tucked into my chest and stomach, the short puffs of breath rustling at my hair a small surprise because usually he doesn't have enough form to have such a thing. A breath I didn't know I was holding is finally released at the sight of him there.
“Don't ever leave me again,” I whisper against his nose, pressing my face into his as silent tears track down my cheeks and into his shadowy fur.
The small part of Nox that his bond had given to me, the tiny part of him I was allowed to love for months before this moment, means more to me than I could ever say.
Nox sleeps through my silent sobbing into Azrael’s fur, and I have to force myself to calm my breathing down enough to pull myself together.
I slip quietly out of the bed and into the bathroom to clean myself up. The tiling still isn't finished in here, but the toilet and basin both work well enough. Azrael follows me in there to sit at my feet and guard me. It’s as though he’s worried something will happen to me five steps away from my Bond.
I still can't think the other word in reference to Nox.
I'm not sure I ever will, but I’m okay with that.
I make my way back into Nox’s room and find him still fast asleep in his bed, so instead of disturbing him by climbing back in there, I take a moment to look around at the towering bookshelves that cover every wall.
They’re filled to the brim, double-stacked and with more boxes of books everywhere. Even then, his rooms back at the Draven mansion had, at least, double the amount of bookshelves in them. If he has the intention of bringing it all here, we're going to need a lot more storage for them.
I use the light on my phone to look over the titles of them even though I already know not only every book in the collection, but the contents of them as well, thanks to the soul-bond.
Graduating college, if that's even still in the cards for me, is going to be a breeze now.
I have to smother a giggle at the thought of how angry Nox will be at this accidental cheating of mine but, damn, does it feel good as I run my fingers down each of the spines and the knowledge within them comes to mind. There's a lot of ancient texts here about the history of Gifted and their bonds, a lot of information that I will need to actually process to see if it’ll help us in any way with my own prior knowledge, but then it occurs to me that Nox will now have that knowledge as well, and the weight of that responsibility is shared with him.
My hand lands on one of the tomes that we had brought back from the Hail Mary with us. The spine feels warm to the touch, the leather old and cracked but surprisingly well-maintained for the age of it. Nox had spent many nights translating the ancient and dead language that it was originally written in to be able to carry out the research necessary.
There's something about the book that calls to my bond, and it wakes slowly from the slumber that it had been in. It's hard to explain, but it feels as though it yawns and stretches inside of me, preparing itself to assess the situation and speak to me. For once, I am happy to sit and wait it out. Something about the way it had fought for Nox and his bond so intensely, without question, has shifted something in my relationship with it.
I’m no longer afraid of it.
There is a seed of guilt in me for even saying that, because the original reason I had been so wary of it in the first place was because of my parents’ deaths. To think that I might have forgiven it for something like that is unspeakable to me, but there's also a part of me that knows that whether or not I forgive it, my bond is a part of me.
I can’t get rid of it.
Maybe the guilt and horror at what had happened is no longer serving me. It's also not going to bring my parents back, no matter how badly I wish for that, and now more than ever, we need to move carefully.
No more missteps.
Okay, that isn't the profound knowledge I was hoping for, but I keep my temper in check. Agreed. Do you have any advice on making sure that our next move is the correct one?
It's quiet for a moment, and my eyes drift back over to the mountains of blankets and pillows that surround Nox. He sleeps in his own little cocoon, and my chest aches with a deep need to go and climb into it with him, but I'm trying to not make any missteps with him either.
Everything about my life right now is carefully thought-out moves so as to not have everything blow up in my face. I'm so close to a united Bonded Group, so close to having a family again. One that might not be the picture-perfect, happy group, but one that's more genuine and real than anything I've ever known before.
I'm terrified of fucking that up for myself and for us, because I also know how desperately North and Gryphon want this all to work out. Gabe too.
Atlas? Not so much, but it’s a work in progress.
No splitting up. No more letting anyone run off into danger by themselves, and no more missions without us present.
Okay, that's all very doable, and if I tell North and Gryphon that my bond has made its demands, they should both agree to it. On the off chance they don’t, I can always get my bond to speak to them on my behalf.
It has a particularly forceful way of getting them to agree to its whims.
Not that they are pushovers, of course. I’ve seen them all tell my bond no when required, but I doubt they’d argue with this demand.
I glance back over at the bed, and this time, I find Nox staring back at me. His eyes are dark but not voided out in the shadows of the room.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice still rough with sleep. I shrug, shifting my weight to either of my feet a little awkwardly.
“Just talking to my bond, trying to figure all of this out. I know that we’re happy enough hiding here in the peace of your room for a little while, but we do have to remember that someone managed to kill you a few days ago. I doubt that they’ll be happy to find out that I was able to bring you back. But, again, there’s someone out there strong enough to take out a Death Dealer. If that isn't concerning, then I don't know what is.”
He heaves himself up onto his arms, popping his top half off of the bed, and I glanced down to where Azrael is nuzzling at my thigh, as if pushing me back towards the warmth and comfort of the sheets.
“It was aiming for North. It didn't give a shit about me or Gryphon. It only cared about killing him.”
My heart stops in my chest.
I didn't know that.
“Have you told North?”
Nox raises an eyebrow at me, motioning to the empty side of the bed, and I stumble over to join him there. “He’s already trying to drink himself to death. There’s no point adding any fuel to his guilt-soaked fire.”