Jesus.
He’s not wrong. I don’t need to reach out to feel how intoxicated North is right now. None of my Bonded have really properly gotten drunk since we’d completed the Bonding, except Nox, and he’d never opened up enough for me to really feel it.
North isn’t in a state to hide this from me.
Nox holds one of his hands up to stare at his fingers, flexing them slowly as he assesses the damage that is no longer there. “They went after the strongest member of the Bonded Group first… after you, of course. They only want you alive and cut off from the rest of us.”
I don’t like the sound of that, and neither does my bond, stretching and flexing inside of my chest as it wakes up again. It doesn’t want to take over or throw a tantrum though, only to listen in to what Nox is saying.
I have my own concerns here. “Is North the strongest, though? I’d argue that you’re all strong but in different ways.”
Nox gives me a dry look, and I shake my head at him. “I’m not trying to play peacemaker. I’m being serious. Other than you and North both being Death Dealers, everyone’s Gifts are very different, and all of the Bonded Group are the strongest at what they are. No Neuro can do what Gryphon can. Atlas’ family have the same Gift as him, but none of them can transfer it like he can, and we’re still figuring out the limits to his strength. Gabe can turn into a freaking dragon. All of those Gifts are on a different playing field than our peers.”
Nox shrugs. “The shadows have always been a threat to the Resistance. The Draven name alone is a threat, and I’m not surprised they targeted North before me. He’s the councilman, and he’s been at the center of every big win we’ve had against them. He’s always deflected away from me and painted the target on himself.”
I don’t like it.
It’s a no-win situation though. If they hadn’t been targeting North, then they only would’ve chosen another of my Bonded, and I’d hate that just as much.
They need to die. All of them.
I startle at the sound of another bond in my mind, one that speaks like mine but… isn’t.
I glance at Nox. He’s staring back at me, his eyes so dark that I’m not entirely sure who’s at the helm right now. His head tilts just a little and I find some blue in his eyes, just enough to know that Nox is still in there.
I hum softly under my breath as I think, listening to my own bond’s vehement agreement, and then answer his bond out loud, “We need to step things up. Stop reacting to them attacking us and start making our own plans.”
Nox nods slowly. “You need the others to stop coddling you. You need your bond to be let out to its full potential, because you’re still letting your fears of what we’ll all think of you get in the way.”
It’s a critique, if a kind one, but I can handle it. It’s something I already know all too well about myself. The moment I came to terms with wanting to keep them all was the moment the fear in me had shifted.
I am scared they’ll leave me if they see with their own two eyes what I’m capable of.
I clear my throat, mostly a nervous action because he’s called me out perfectly, just like he always does. “It’s my own fault. I’ll work on my trust issues. It’ll be easier now that I have… you.”
He stares at me intently for a minute, not arguing or denying that I do, in fact, have him now, but I’m not surprised that he doesn’t just drop the issue. “Bassinger was trying to knock a wall down because you weren’t napping in your own bed under his obsessive eye. There’s more than just your trust issues to deal with.”
I cringe a little because that might be what had happened earlier, but he makes it sound so… wrong. Atlas is only trying to take care of me, something that a Bonded should do, and he’s always been so doubtful of Nox’s intentions.
With valid reasons too.
“He’s just… afraid you’re hurting me. Emotionally.”
I don’t know why I tack that onto the end there, but Nox sends me a dry look anyway. “I’m sure he’s got a lot more concerns than just how I’m speaking to you.”
The mood in the room shifts.
I feel like a creep for it, and for noticing it, especially after everything that’s been said and shared between us. It feels wrong to even be thinking about sex right now, but my mind can’t stop replaying our bonding, and then my bond pipes up with its own desperate demands for him.
Maybe I am a monster.
“Stop it, Oleander. You already know it’s not about sex.”
Okay, ouch. I did not want the reminder.
The part of the soul-bonding that I had been very careful about not thinking about so far, no small feat, were all of the memories of his sex life before I’d returned here. The years of figuring out exactly what he likes and reclaiming the parts of himself and his sexuality that his mother had broken—I know them all now, intimately.
Doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Okay, so that might make me sound like a bitch, because he also was in a lot of therapy and going through it was part of the healing process, but I’m a very possessive sort of Bond, and seeing all of that had hurt more than anything else he’s ever said or done to me… everything except the reasons why he’s so broken.
He knows it too.
Fuck, this is kind of a mess.
I clear my throat and pray that he doesn’t think I’m trying to be a controlling, manipulative Bond, the exact thing his mother had played and distorted reality with. “I’m trying to be cool right now, but I’m not. Like, at all. I’m very not cool and not fine about any of my Bonds having sex with other people. I’m not going to lie about it or try to play it down.”
I keep my eyes squeezed tight so I don’t have to see the moment he decides to be done with me. His words startle me. “Are you pissed off at me because of that?”
Am I?
It takes me a second, but I find the truth. “No, but I might need to avoid some women for a while because I could very much rip some hearts out or set my bond onto them, which isn’t fair or okay either. Just, you know, being honest here.”
I’m brave and take a quick glance at him just in time to see him nod slowly, lying back to stare up at the ceiling again.
He doesn’t snarl at me or leave me here, so maybe I haven’t ruined everything with my irrational emotions. At least not yet.
I let my eyes fall shut again as I think about exactly how I’m going to convince everyone to let me step up in the fight, not just easing up when my bond comes out to play, and I’m so busy in my own head that I barely notice when a shadow wisp wraps around my ankle, jerking my leg towards Nox.
I startle a little, my eyes flying open, but another shadow wisp wraps around my wrist to move me until I’m in the middle of the bed facing him. His eyes are deep, dark voids of deep blue that have me constantly questioning whether it’s him or his bond in control, but when I open my mouth to say… Lord knows what, Nox speaks over me, “Don’t move or say a word. Your bond isn’t in control here.”
The wisps come out to wrap around my body, covering almost every inch of me until I’m bound tightly, only the steady rise and fall movement of my chest allowed. It’s then that I know that I really do trust him. I must, because I don’t freak out. I’m calm as I stare back at him.