“And whose fault was that?” Hugo asked, stepping back from the door without locking it.
“Mine,” Nelson said easily. “But I was trying to scare him, not make him think we had rodents.” He raised his voice. “Mei! Mei. We’ve got company.”
Mei burst through the door, a pot covered in dish soap in one hand and a butcher knife in the other. “Who? Are we under attack?”
“Yes,” Nelson said.
“No,” Hugo said loudly. “We’re not. Health inspector.”
Mei gasped. “Again? We are under attack. Lock the door! Maybe he’ll think we’re gone!” She waved the knife around until she glanced at Alan, who was eyeing her warily. She quickly hid it behind her. “I don’t have a knife. You were seeing things.”
“You’re dripping water on the floor,” Hugo told her. “Which he’ll hold against us.”
Mei growled as she spun around and hurried back into the kitchen. “Hold him off as much as you can. I’ll make sure everything is good in here before he comes in.”
“Shouldn’t it be already?” Wallace asked.
“Of course it is,” Nelson said as the health inspector pulled on a bit of peeling paint along the railing to the stairs. “But he won’t see it that way. You should have seen the look on his face when he came here for the first time. I thought he was going to have a heart attack when he saw Apollo.” He glanced at Wallace. “Is that still too soon or…？”
Wallace glared at him. “You’re not funny.”
“I really am.”
Wallace looked back out the window. “I don’t see what’s so bad. Surely he just wants to make sure the tea shop is clean, right? Why would he have it out for Hugo?” A terrible thought crossed his mind. “Jesus Christ, is it because he’s Black? Of all the—”
“Oh, no,” Nelson said. “Nothing as loathsome as that.” He leaned forward, dropping his voice. “He asked Hugo out on a date once. Hugo said no. He wasn’t happy about it and has been torturing us all ever since.”
The skin under Wallace’s right eye twitched. “What?”
Nelson patted his shoulder. “I knew you’d see it my way.”
“Mei!” Wallace shouted. “Bring back the knife!”
Mei burst through the doors again, now carrying a knife in each hand.
“No knives!” Hugo barked.
She turned around and stalked back into the kitchen.
The door to Charon’s Crossing Tea and Treats opened.
“Hmm,” the health inspector said with a grimace as he looked around. “Not off to the best start, are we, Hugo?” He sounded as if he were affecting the most atrocious British accent the world had ever heard. Wallace despised him immediately, telling himself it had nothing to do with the fact that this man apparently wanted to climb Hugo like a tree. Even though this man couldn’t see him, Wallace would remain the consummate professional.
“Harvey,” Hugo said evenly.
“Harvey?” Wallace exclaimed. “His name is Harvey? That’s ridiculous!”
Hugo coughed roughly.
Harvey stared at him.
Hugo held up his hand. “Sorry. Something in my throat.”
“I can see that,” Harvey said. “Probably all the dust that seems to coat this place. I do hope you’ve made a better attempt to keep things cleaner this time around.” He sniffed daintily. “At least we don’t have to worry about that mutt any longer. Pet dander around all that food? Bloody bollocks if you ask me.”
Apollo barked angrily, spittle flying from his lips and landing on the floor.
“He’s from Seattle,” Nelson whispered. “Went to London once a few years ago and came back talking like that. No one knows why.”
“Because he’s ludicrous,” Wallace said. “Obviously.”
Hugo held himself together, insults about his dog notwithstanding. “I’m sure you’ll find that everything is as it should be, just like it was when you were here in February. Speaking of, what brings you back so soon?”
Harvey scribbled furiously on his clipboard. “I’m a health inspector. I’m inspecting. And I’ll be the judge of whether everything is as it should be. It’s the point of surprise inspections. Doesn’t allow you to cover up any … violations.” He moved toward the display cases, unaware of the three ghosts （and one ghost dog） watching him with various shades of animosity. Wallace wasn’t sure why Alan looked so aggravated, unless that was his default setting.
Harvey stopped in front of the display cases, bending over to peer into them. They were immaculate as always, the lights soft and warm on the remaining pastries left over from the day, few though they were. “Mei in the kitchen, I suppose? Tell her to cease all activities immediately. I’d hate to think she’s covering up any crimes against humanity as she’s wont to do.”
Mei appeared in one of the portholes, a look of utter fury on her face. “Crimes? Crimes? Come in here and say that to my face, you—”
“She’s doing what she normally does at the end of the day,” Hugo said mildly. “As you well know.”
“I’m sure she is,” Harvey muttered. He stood upright, once again putting his pen to this clipboard. “I’m not the enemy here, Hugo. I’d never want to see this place shut down. I fear what it would do to Mei if she were forced onto the streets if I had to shut down your tea shop. She’s rather … delicate.”
Hugo stepped in front of the double doors in time to block Mei from bursting through them. He grunted when the doors struck his back, but otherwise didn’t react.
Harvey arched an eyebrow.
Hugo shrugged. “She’s exuberant today.”
“Exuberant? I’ll show you exuberant, you—”
Harvey sighed loudly. “Temper, temper. Though I may be a health inspector, I like to think the position allows me to comment on mental health as well. Hers appears to be in dire straits. I would suggest she get that seen to posthaste.”
“How has he not been punched in the face?” Wallace demanded.
“Hugo said we can’t,” Nelson said.
“That’s exactly right,” Hugo said evenly.
“It is?” Harvey said, sounding taken aback. “Why thank you, Hugo. I do believe that’s the first time you’ve ever agreed with me.” He smiled, and Wallace felt his skin crawl. “It looks good on you.” He sauntered up to the counter. “As would I.”
“Oh my god,” Wallace said loudly. “Does that actually work on anyone? Hugo, kick him in the nuts.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” Hugo said, never looking away from Harvey.
“Why not?” Harvey and Wallace asked at the same time.
“You know why,” Hugo said.
Harvey sighed as Wallace threw up his hands in frustration. “I’ll wear you down yet,” Harvey said. “Just you wait and see. Now, back to the business at hand. I need to stick my thermometer in many things.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“Wow,” Wallace said. “That’s sexual harassment. We’re going to sue him. We’re going to sue him for everything he’s worth, just you wait and see. I’ll draft up the papers just as soon as—oh. Right. I’m dead. Goddammit. Don’t let him stick his thermometer in your baked goods!”