He pulled back as he roared, holding me by the throat while his cock twitched in my mouth. Thick, warm fluid coated my tongue, covering it in his orgasm. His hand tightened as his eyes drifted closed, his body relaxing. I wanted to swallow him down, to get the evidence of his pleasure out of my mouth. The flavor wasn’t something I would ever particularly enjoy.
“Show me,” he ordered when he opened his eyes once more.
I opened my mouth, sticking out my tongue so that he could see it covered in his seed. “That’s my good girl,” he said, releasing my throat finally. I closed my mouth, swallowing as his dark eyes gleamed with approval.
The words of encouragement shouldn’t have meant so much to me, and yet my body hummed with warmth. I was so far gone for the Fae male who claimed ownership of my soul; it was a sin.
He cupped my jaw in his palm, running his thumb over the skin with a gentleness that took my breath away. “Thank you,” he murmured, his eyes soft.
“For what?” I asked, my voice coming out breathy.
“For accepting the darkest parts of me—the ugly ones—even if you can’t give me those words yet,” he said, and the way his brow furrowed nearly broke my heart. I knew what it was to be out of control. To feel like a monster waited to take control of my body.
I’d do whatever it took to bring him back from that brink. “Always.”
17
ESTRELLA
I couldn’t quite find my way to sleep that night. The memory of Holt’s body sprawled on the ground, bleeding out on the snow and waiting to come back to life by the time Caldris and I returned from our tryst in the snow-covered plains, haunted me.
Not because I cared about Holt; as much as I appreciated the book he’d given me, I still struggled with the knowledge that he was my enemy. He’d been part of the threat that had terrified me as I’d run through the woods with my brother at my side. There was no escaping the life I’d lived and the things I’d been raised to believe. I couldn’t change them overnight, but I could feel the shift coming on slowly.
If I could find a way to forgive Caldris for what he’d done, did I really have any place to not forgive the males who owed me nothing? The ones who’d never lied or hidden what they were.
But no, what kept me awake in the night was the memory of the carnage Caldris had caused in his blind rage. He’d torn through several members of the Wild Hunt, spraying their blood across the land in a way that terrified the Fae Marked.
He’d left them alone in favor of pursuing me, but the stark reminder of what he was and the damage he could inflict made me swallow a ball of nerves in my throat. That was what had found me in the woods. That was who I’d allowed to sink inside of me and claim me as his to bring him back from the brink of bloodlust.
Aramis’s confession of what Mab had done to Caldris’s father also hung over me, leaving me with more questions than answers. He slept peacefully behind me, cradling me in his arms in our tent for warmth. I wished I could just ask him the questions I had about his past, but if the memory of his father’s death was so traumatic that it resulted in a rage like this, I wasn’t certain it would be wise to ask.
I pulled slowly away from his arms, shoving my feet into my boots and moving to the opening of our tent. I worked slowly to untie the strings, moving as quietly as I could so I wouldn’t disturb Caldris. Given the exhausting events of the day, I had a feeling even the God needed his rest.
But my restlessness drove me to the book Holt had given me, safely tucked in the saddlebags near Azra. I’d go read by the fire until I became tired enough to return to bed.
“You know, it is fairly rude to sneak out of your lover’s bed while they sleep,” Caldris said, making me heave a sigh as I spun to face him. One single eye opened, studying me with a quirked brow.
“We don’t have a bed,” I said, smiling at him playfully. He studied me, waiting for me to elaborate on what would drive me out in the middle of the night without a word. “I couldn’t sleep,” I admitted, shrugging my shoulders and making sure I kept my posture casual. Given our history, if I gave him any reason to believe I wasn’t being truthful, he might think I was trying to escape while he slept.
I didn’t want that. Not after the little progress we’d made. I wanted to cling to it and own it as the hard won victory it was. “Is something wrong?” he asked, shifting to sit up. He pulled on his boots, standing to follow after me.
“I’m just restless,” I admitted. “I can’t seem to turn off my mind. I was just going to go read by the fire.”
“I have a better idea,” he said, standing beside me and unknotting the ties on the tent. He pulled the flaps open, stepping out into the night and waiting for me to follow.
“You don’t have to be awake just because I am. You should get some sleep,” I said, nodding my head back toward the tent. I was entirely capable of reading in the middle of a well-protected camp full of dead things that didn’t need sleep.
“You’re my mate. If you need something, I’ll provide it,” he said, starting to walk through the snow. I curled my cloak tighter around my shoulders, missing the warmth of his embrace already. I should have stayed by the tent, only the lure of the warmth of the fire was enough to tempt me away. But Caldris carved a path through the outer edges of the camp, taking me around to the side as far from the other Fae Marked as he could. Members of the Wild Hunt watched us curiously, looking just as lost as I was.
He turned to face me when I stopped a few paces away from him, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my gut. A stern glare from him sent the riders of the Wild Hunt back to their previous tasks, leaving us with the delusion of privacy for a few moments.
He closed the gap between us, raising a hand to hold out in front of him. With his palm facing the sky, he held my gaze as a rush of wind rise from his hand. Snowflakes danced above his skin, hovering in the air in a mini-snow storm, all contained in the boundary of his palm.
He raised my hand with his free one, mimicking his positioning as he turned his hand upside down. Waving that snow storm above my hand, he let the pulse of cold touch my bare skin. It rested above my palm, levitating and following my movements as I moved my hand from side to side. Caldris pulled his hand away, leaving me with the tiny snowfall.
“I know you’ve been taught to believe that magic is something to be afraid of, and it can be,” he said, reaching beneath my hand to cup it in his grasp as I stared at the snow drifting up toward the sky. The magic felt the same as it had when I’d killed Loris, that same threat of something all-consuming as the white lines of my Fae Mark lit up in recognition of my mate’s magic. “But it can also be beautiful.”
“This is yours,” I said, feeling that the magic that sustained the little storm wasn’t coming from me. My mark recognized it, but didn’t own it.
“Yes,” he agreed, and the knowledge hung between us that, even if I managed to pull power from my Viniculum, this magic would always be his. “We’re going to focus on the Winter Court abilities for now. You seem to favor them, and they’re farther from whatever magic is hiding inside of you.”
I nodded, watching as the magic of the storm faded away. “How do I do this intentionally?”