Except I wouldn’t have a human lifespan if I accepted Caldris as my mate. I would live as long as he did. I could live for what seemed like forever.
I didn’t know if I would even want that.
“Most would see the promise of immortality as a gift,” Adelphia said with a chuckle, turning her smiling face away from mine as she fought back her laughter. “You look as though you’ve just witnessed a murder.”
“Immortality is a great deal of time for The Fates to hurt me,” I said, thinking of just how miserable I’d been through most of my life. The thought of living centuries like that…
No.
“It is also a great deal of time for The Fates to bless you,” she said, raising a brow and snagging my stare with hers finally. “You could watch your children grow, your grandchildren and great grandchildren.”
I paled. Children.
I turned a startled glance over to my mate, where he chattered with Holt, and his body seemed tense. His head turned toward mine slowly, something knowing in his gaze as I fought the panic closing my throat.
I couldn’t breathe around it; couldn’t see past my own stupidity. I hadn’t taken the tonic to prevent pregnancy since we’d left the Resistance. “Fuck,” I whispered, turning my stare away from Caldris. He motioned toward me, tugging gently on his reins as he made to close the distance.
“Estrella?” Adelphia asked, grasping my forearm in her grip. “What did I say?”
Caldris rode up beside me, staring down at me with his face grave with concern. He didn’t speak because he didn’t need to ask if I was alright.
He already felt that answer pulsing down the bond between us.
“How do the Fae prevent pregnancy?” I asked, staring up into his blue eyes.
He thinned his lips, his jaw clenching. “They don’t, min asteren. Children are a blessing that most beg The Fates to bestow upon them for centuries before such gifts are granted. There are exceptions, but it is highly unusual. If you are worried you might be with child, then there is little cause for concern.”
“Why not? You said it can happen,” I said, trying to ignore the way Adelphia stared at me in keen interest.
“As far as we know, you are primarily human. You will most likely not be able to bear my child until that is no longer true. I would not have risked you falling pregnant before you are ready if I thought there was a chance of it,” Caldris said, his face soft as he looked down at me.
I heaved a sigh of relief. “For a moment, I wondered—”
“If I would use a pregnancy to trap you? I assure you, min asteren, I want you to accept me because you love me and you cannot stand the thought of a life without me—not because I used a pregnancy to leave you with no other choice. You are young and deserve to figure out who you are before you become a mother. I have waited centuries to see my mate swell with my child. I can wait a few more,” he said, smirking when I flushed at the words. He made pregnancy seem almost erotic, like another way of claiming and owning me.
“I’m not even sure if I want children,” I said, thinking of the world they’d be born into. A war loomed on the horizon, and I’d already seen the catastrophe and horror that could come from Fae and humans deciding the cloak-and-dagger feud they’d been waging needed to escalate.
Bringing a child into this world would be nothing short of irresponsible.
“You have plenty of time to change your mind. Nothing needs to be decided now,” Caldris said, and something told me he understood. He’d been there when I was lost to the darkness over the dead child in Black Water. I shuddered to think of what I would do to the world if that was my child.
I wouldn’t need Caldris to set it on fire for me. I’d do it my fucking self.
One of the hounds howled from a distance in front of the traveling group. His ears were pointed forward, his enormous jowls dripping with shadows as he turned his face back toward Holt and seemed to gesture him on. The leader of the Wild Hunt snapped straight as the other hounds moved to the front of our traveling group.
“What’s going on?” I asked, watching as Caldris turned a stare toward Holt. He nodded, and the rider and a few members of the Wild Hunt kicked their horses into a gallop. Taking off to follow after the running hounds, they disappeared into the distance far too quickly.
“The hounds sensed one of the Fae Marked nearby,” Caldris answered, pinning Fenrir with a glare when he stepped up beside me. The wolf nudged my hand with his head, bringing my arm to rest against his fur and settling in at my side. “Don’t even think about it.”
Fenrir whined, tossing his head and shaking it from side to side. I leaned into his weight, snuggling into the warmth of his fur as I tried not to think about the person’s fear. The memory of it flooded through me; the terror of being hunted through the woods was a nightmare I wouldn’t have wished upon my worst enemy.
My next breath was a deep gasp as a shout rang through the air, making me shake my head as I tried to steady my breathing.
“No! Let go of me!” a man yelled, his protests falling on deaf ears. I pressed each hand to the side of my head, trying to block out the sounds as I fought for composure, struggling to breathe.
There was movement in front of me as Caldris dismounted Azra. His fingers brushed against mine as he cupped my face in his massive hands and spoke to me. I couldn’t hear the words or his voice over the pounding of blood in my head, but his touch was soft. His mouth moved slowly, as if he could calm the racing of my heart and the quick, shallow breaths that couldn’t seem to fill my lungs with air.
I knew what came at the end of the hunt. I knew the death that waited for anyone who had the misfortune of traveling alongside the Fae Marked. I dropped my hands from my ears, clutching Caldris’s forearms tightly. My nails dug into the leather covering his skin, the material creaking as sound tried to filter through the haze of my panic.
I couldn’t do this again.
No. No. No. Not again.
My hands shook against Caldris’s arms as he spoke in a soft cadence meant to sooth me. “It’s alright, min asteren. You’re okay,” he murmured.
I squeezed my eyes shut, closing myself off from the sight of the white, open plain as a whimper escaped my throat. The metal of my shackles clanked, the sound so like a sword being drawn from its scabbard that I flinched back.
“You’re with me. In the middle of a snow-covered plain and with a wolf at your side,” Caldris said, and Fenrir leaned into me, brushing his fur against me and nuzzling his nose into my side. “You aren’t on the edge of that cliff. You haven’t just been running through the woods. You’re with me.”
My stomach swam with nausea as I peeled my eyes open slowly, staring into the worried blue gaze of my mate as he looked down at me. I was with him, I reminded myself.
With the very monster my brother had tried to kill me to save me from. It wasn’t the comfort it had been a few moments before.
I focused on my breathing. Slowing it down with methodical, deep breaths.
When the Wild Hunt and the hounds returned, it was with a Fae Marked male tossed over the rump of Holt’s horse, head and arms hanging lifelessly. They swung him off carefully, shackling his hands and lowering him into one of the carts with the others.