I stepped into the room, finding the books left precisely the way I’d left them. Not a thing had been moved, as if it had become a tomb in the absence of the only person who could read them. My heart wept as I considered leaving them and the knowledge they contained behind, knowing there wasn’t a single person who could make sense of the history trapped within these walls. Everywhere I looked, I saw Melian lurking at the edges of my vision. Knowing she was gone, knowing she was dead because of my stupidity and stubbornness, all I could think was how horrified she’d be to see these books go to waste once again.
I stepped behind my table, running my fingers over one of the pages in an open book. It seemed like it had been a lifetime since I’d last been here, reading the words on that page.
It had been a matter of weeks. That was the extent of the time that had passed.
Breath rushed out of my lungs as I was stunned silent with the realization of how much had changed in such a short time—with how much I’d changed. I wouldn’t have been able to fathom accepting my Fae mate only a week ago. Weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend the sort of betrayal that Caelum had committed.
And now I was considering accepting our bond?
He appeared as if I’d summoned him; as if he could hear his name in my thoughts. “You’re thinking of me. I suppose I’ll have to let that reassure me since you once again snuck out of our bed while I slept,” he said, leaning his shoulder against the doorway. The position was so similar to what he’d done in the past that my heart skipped in my chest. I reached up, rubbing the ache it caused.
“How do you know I’m thinking of you?” I asked, averting my gaze to the book on the table. I ran a finger over the page, enjoying the rough feel of the paper against my skin. It was comforting in a way. One thing I recognized when all else had been torn away.
“Your emotions have a very distinctive feeling when you’re thinking of me. I’ve come to recognize what it means when that travels down the bond,” he answered.
“What does it feel like?” I asked, unable to help myself. I turned the page, running my fingers over the portrait of a Fae female wrapped in shadows. She stepped forward with a single foot, disappearing into a chasm where no light existed. She emerged on the other side intact, stepping out of that darkness as if it was an easy task.
Caelum shifted, making me turn my attention back to him. It was so unusual for him to waste movement on something that served no purpose. His movement was always intentional, working toward a goal as soon as he chose it. “Bitter,” he said with a shrug, his lips twisting to the side as he crossed his arms. “Sweet, guilty, so full of love and hatred in equal measure. It feels as if you know you love me, and you fucking hate every moment of it.”
I tore my gaze away, dropping it to the side as I sighed and fought back the sting of tears. “Why couldn’t you have been human?” I asked, huffing a bitter laugh.
He pushed off the doorway, closing the distance between us and snagging my chin. Turning my gaze back on me, he smiled softly. “The irony of you wishing for me to be human, when we both know that you yourself are not.”
“We don’t know that,” I said, shaking my head even though he refused to release my chin.
“I don’t know what you are,” Caelum agreed, heaving a sigh. “But whatever it is, it is not human. Humans do not have the abilities you have shown as of late. It is time to accept that you are not who you thought you were.”
“But I had human parents. A human brother. How is that possible if I’m not human?” I asked.
“You thought you were human until a week ago. Is it any stretch to think they might be showing the same symptoms as you?” he asked, posing the question I hadn’t considered. If my mother had uncontrollable magic, the Mist Guard and Lord Byron’s army would guarantee her death.
Gods.
I shoved the thought away. Dwelling on it wouldn’t get me to her side any faster, and I would simply have to work to make sure Caldris offered her protection. Whether she came with us or stayed in Nothrek would be determined as we approached Mistfell.
There were more pressing matters, like the fact that I hadn’t killed the male I hated more than anything, because I also loved him more than the thought of my own freedom. I didn’t know what to do with that.
“What’s wrong, Little One?”
“Is it possible for you to…alter my mind? My thoughts and feelings about certain things?” I asked, holding his stare with a firm one of my own. I wanted the answer, knowing he couldn’t lie to me, especially not now when I could feel guilt pulsing down the bond if he tried.
“No. I can force your body to do things if I’m very determined, just as I forced you to run when the cave beast attacked us,” he admitted, shrugging his shoulders as he reached out and caught my chin in his grasp. “But that is a short term burst of control. I cannot control your thoughts and your feelings in the long run. That’s an entirely different kind of power than I possess.”
“Can you influence other people in the same way?” I asked, reaching up to grasp his hand with mine. Even just from the brief glimpses of power I’d experienced, of feeling that surge through me and knowing the way it made me feel and behave in the aftermath, I knew I could never have that kind of power over other people.
I couldn’t be trusted.
“No. It’s exclusive to the mate bond. It's an instinctive aspect related to protecting our mates. Our human mates are not inclined to leave our side in times of danger, wanting to protect us as that aspect of the bond goes both ways. Unfortunately, human mates are far weaker and more likely to be killed, so sometimes we have to send them to safety in the hopes of saving both our lives,” he answered. I couldn’t imagine the knowledge he must have had from observing the way other Fae behaved with their mates, while waiting centuries for me to be born, only to not be able to reach me when I finally came to be.
“I don’t want to leave all this knowledge here,” I said, changing the subject when I didn’t have anything to add. It was reassuring to know that he wasn’t tampering with my emotions, but it was also terrifying to know that it was me who was changing.
Not the sum of the actions done to me, but me as a person. Me as a human…or not.
Ugh.
“I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make sure you have the best library at your disposal. The library at the palace of Catancia is filled with more books than you could read in a lifetime, but I will find anything you desire to add to it,” he said, his words encouraging. I stepped away from the desk, my fingers falling from the book in slow motion as if it was a goodbye. “We have much more in-depth records on the history of the Fae and the way our world works than the Resistance could ever hope to have.”
“I’m sure you do,” I said with a little sigh. “But you can’t exactly give me a library if you yourself are a victim of Mab.”
“I can promise you my mother will allow you unrestricted access to the library in my absence, Little One. She’ll treat you as if you are her own child, because as my mate, you’ll be the closest thing she’s ever had,” he said, his voice dropping low as sadness filled it.