This book was born from a desire to show Black girlhood at its best, at its worst, at its most dull and most exciting. It was written and revised over the course of six years, beginning as a short story in a fiction workshop during my MA at Belmont University in 2014. I am thankful to the people and places who were a part of the origin of this story, whether they meant to be or not.
Much gratitude to my wonderful agent, Ayesha Pande, who sent me such a beautiful letter after reading the manuscript for the first time and has been convincing me of my talents ever since. Thank you for always fighting for the things you know matter most to me. You and everyone at APL make me feel so welcome and loved, and it is more than I dared to expect at the beginning of all this.
Many, many thanks to Amber Oliver, who is the fierce and passionate editor I always hoped for. Whenever we’re together, the #blackgirlmagic is overflowing. I’m so grateful to have worked with you, learned from you, and been a part of your Tiny Rep journey. And speaking of . . . I am forever grateful for and fangirling over the one and only Phoebe Robinson. Your vision and dedication to the imprint impresses me daily. The entire team at Tiny Reparations Books has regularly made me feel seen, valued, and empowered. And a special thank-you to the folks who helped make this book happen—Christine Ball, John Parsley, Stephanie Cooper, Amanda Walker, Jamie Knapp, Katie Taylor, Tiffani Ren, Samantha Srinivasan, LeeAnn Pemberton, Susan Schwartz, Kristin del Rosario, Tiffany Estreicher, Kaitlin Kall, Dominique Jones, and Ryan Richardson.
The best thing about the four years I spent in the PhD program at Western Michigan University was the people I met there. Beginning with my mentor, Thisbe Nissen, who has been fighting fiercely for me since before we met. Thank you for encouraging me, teaching me, loving me. I am immensely better for having met you. Thank you to the folks I workshopped with, my first real readers, and especially Nicole, Chad, Cody, Deb, Ariel, Tim, and Samantha. I am also thankful for my faculty mentors—John Saillant, Meghann Meussen, Staci Perryman-Clark, and Allen Webb—for being the advocates and allies I needed.
I am blessed to have my very own ride-or-die bosom buddies. Christina, Sydney, and Marissa, thanks for being the type of friends who will show up for me, tell me when I’m wrong, and love me through it all. To my HWW Doctianas—Suban, Sophia, Lisa—as soon as we met, I knew y’all would be squad for life. And my Face Off sisters: thank you for being there during the toughest and most exciting parts of my journey and celebrating me along the way.
Special thanks to: Leah, for helping me find my way （and find the right opening for this book）。 Corri, for the motivation and friendship. Al, for being the first person to read the entire book and encouraging me to tweet during #PitMad. Meg and Audrey, for reading my work and letting me read yours. Teya, for the love and support. Annette Sisson, for the encouragement and leadership, and Gary McDowell, for the bolstering friendship. Ali Herring, for being the first agent to believe in me and this book. And last but not least, the WTFK Street Team, for holding me down!
I must pay homage to my literary inspirations: Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, Jesmyn Ward, Zora Neale Hurston. Without you, there is no me. Thank you for showing me the way. Nicole Dennis-Benn and Danielle Evans, thank you for personally welcoming me into the club. Much love to Laura Pegram at Kweli for believing in this story （and me） from the beginning. I am also grateful to the folks I met as a VONA/Voices fellow, and especially Faith Adiele.
I am thankful for my family, and for everyone who has been family to me. My mom and sister plus me are the three musketeers, always sticking together through everything. And when I was growing up, there was nothing better than having cousins. No matter where we are in the world or in our relationship, I am always rooting for all of you. And to my darling nieces: Tia loves you!
At the heart of this story is loss, and while KB’s loss looks different than mine, we both know it all too well. Daddy, I miss your laugh. Hearing you sing. Watching you cook. A decade later and I still can’t find enough to fill the hole. Granddaddy Grady, I miss our summers with you in Lansing, catching fireflies and telling jokes. I hid pieces of both of you in KB’s heart. I haven’t felt so close to the two of you since you were here with me on earth, and I will forever be grateful to this book for that.
Being a “momma” to my three daughters has been one of my life’s greatest joys. Kailah, Makenzie, and Zuri, everything I do is to make you proud, to make you strong, and capable, and confident. It took me forever to realize that maybe, just maybe, I could live my dreams. I promise to do everything I can to help you three live your dreams even sooner, even fuller.
And finally, my husband, partner, and forever friend. Chris, you give my life meaning and joy. I hear that living with a writer isn’t easy, but you make it look effortless. You give me so much love and comfort and happiness. Thank you for giving me the kickstart I needed back in the day to become the person I am now. You da best.
My childhood had trauma, but it also had joy. In the end, I laughed more than I cried. Still, I used to wonder why I couldn’t just have an ordinary childhood, and it’s only now, after writing KB’s story that I’ve realized that my childhood was an ordinary childhood. Black girlhood is girlhood. Black stories are universal. Black lives are lives, and we matter. Telling our stories matters. I hope that by reading this book, someone feels seen. I hope someone else will open their eyes and begin to see. But if nothing else comes of this, I know that the little girl I used to be is so proud of the woman I am now. She might even catch an extra special firefly, just for me.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
KAI HARRIS is a writer and educator from Detroit, Michigan, who uses her voice to uplift the Black community through realistic fiction centered on the Black experience. Her work has appeared in Guernica, Kweli Journal, Longform, and the Killens Review of Arts & Letters, among others. In addition to fiction, Kai has published poetry, personal essays, and peer-reviewed academic articles on topics related to Black girlhood and womanhood, the slave narrative genre, motherhood, and Black identity. A graduate of Western Michigan University’s PhD program, Kai was the recipient of the university’s Gwen Frostic Creative Writing Fiction Award for her short story “While We Live.” Kai now lives in the Bay Area with her husband, three daughters, and dog, Tabasco, and is an assistant professor of creative writing at Santa Clara University.