“Thanks for driving me home—I mean back to your home,” I told Alex later on, my throat a little raw from basically yelling, but I was in a good mood. We’d hung out for another hour, with Selene and Hiromi telling me funny stories about the family that had me wiping at my eyes. It was usually what we did every time we went out; they told me stories and gossip.
I loved learning everybody’s business, and they had no filters.
All the while, Alex sat there, listening and occasionally smirking his way through Selene and Hiromi’s versions of their family’s shenanigans. My head hurt a little, and part of it was from laughing so hard. The other part was because I’d drank more than I should have. More than I would have if he hadn’t shown up. Eventually, once the bar got even more crowded, Selene and Hiromi suggested we go to another one, a quieter one, but I hadn’t wanted to go, and when Alex said he didn’t either, it only made sense to catch a ride with him since I hadn’t driven. I’d tried my best not to drive Alex’s car unless I absolutely had to, and that’d only been a handful of times. I’d driven around his grandmother’s Mercedes and clutched the shit out of the wheel each time she asked me to chauffeur her around. The rest of the time, Selene or Hiromi always picked me up.
I caught his glance as we walked from the car to the big, dark house. The ride back had been quiet. I knew what I was thinking about but had no idea what was on his mind. Melting ice caps. The islands of trash in the ocean. Who knew?
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance over. “It is home,” he said, sounding so solemn.
I pinched my lips and kept my face even. I had to keep everything in perspective. Keep my cool. Give him his space. Don’t ask anything. Don’t expect anything. Those were some of my new rules. Try not to be scared was my favorite one.
He unlocked the door and pushed it open, turning that body just enough for me to squeeze through first. I kept my gaze forward as I stopped to pull off my newish boots as he locked the door. I snatched them up and met his gaze, giving him a little smile. “I’m going to go shower off the beer Selene spilled on me.”
“Yeah, you stink like it.”
There he was.
I smiled just a little, more than a bit relieved he was back, at least for a while. I really had missed him. Even though I had made myself at home while he’d been gone, having him around just felt… right.
And that’s why I needed to give him his space and keep everything in check.
Alex tipped his chin up. “Go shower, Cookie,” he told me as he set his keys and wallet on the console table by the front door, giving me his muscular back.
I turned and ran up the steps as fast as I could. I wasn’t going to be sad. We were together because of some fluke of fate. Because I had an ancestor who had had an ancestor that had been special. His grandma had dropped him into my life—literally—but life did have choices. And you couldn’t control them all; I refused to believe that.
We wanted different things. He hadn’t wanted to meet me; he hadn’t wanted someone to tell him what to do. I knew him well enough at this point to understand how much he would like someone telling him what to do. Which was not at all. And I wanted… I wanted fucking everything. I wanted to live my life, I wanted sex, but I wanted love more. It was why I’d waited. Why I hadn’t settled for just anyone.
I had a future, and soon, I’d be given more freedom than I ever could have expected before.
I wasn’t going to be sad. Disappointed, okay, for a little while. But not unhappy. You didn’t tell someone they had bought a winning lottery ticket and then remind them they’d thrown away the ticket and expect them to be ecstatic about it.
And that’s what I kept telling myself as I showered and slipped on the loose, flannel pajama pants I’d stolen and a tank top. Getting into bed, I started to reach for one of the paperbacks that Hiromi had brought me the other day, after I had learned she enjoyed reading too, when I felt that tingle that warned me Alex was close.
Because he was.
Right at the doorway. I didn’t mean for my smile to be weak as I set my book down, but I guess I couldn’t help it. “Hey.”
“Were you sleeping in the library? It smelled a lot like you in there,” he asked, crossing his arms over that impeccable chest, there in a tight T-shirt and sleeping pants he’d changed into that were probably the same size as the ones I was wearing, just longer.
“I’ve been taking naps on the couch.” Busted. “I’ve been sleeping in the living room downstairs with the TV on sometimes too,” I told him. “I figured if you came in through the front door, I’d be able to hear you better.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but he’d be able to smell me in there too. I might as well be upfront about it.
“You can sleep wherever you want.” The muscles in his arms flexed. “When I’m gone. When I’m not gone.”
This man and his wording.
“You good?” Someone was feeling chatty. Or bored.
“Yeah, I’m almost back to normal now. I’ve started running again a little.” I could do this. I could draw this line and make sure to stay on the other side. “Are you okay?” I asked, hoping to sound about as normal as usual.
“Glad to be home. You showering okay? No panic attacks?” he asked.
Oh. I tipped my head to the side a little. “It hasn’t gotten worse.”
Alex nodded like he wasn’t surprised. “Nothing is ever going to happen to you again, but if you want to talk to someone about it, Asami’s aunt is a therapist. She’s just a call away.”
Despite everything, I couldn’t help but smile at him a little. “Thanks. I’ll think about it and let you know.”
He pushed off the doorframe with his shoulder and came to stand beside the bed, with an expression on his face that I hadn’t seen before. Ultra-serious. The most serious of serious. “Alana said I owe you,” he said.
“For what?”
“For that night out on the balcony.”
“Didn’t we already talk about it?”
He shook his head.
I was pretty positive we had made a joke about it, but fine. “I’m living in your house, using your water and electricity, and hoping you’ll protect me if anyone ever comes for me. Your family is going to help me figure out a fresh start to my life. Your brother wants me to teach Asami Spanish. You don’t owe me anything.”
He exhaled, not seeming even a little surprised about my mention of Achilles. He was probably aware of that too since he seemed to be able to get in contact with everyone else but me. “I do.”
“No. I’m good. If anything, I owe you rent.”
“No.”
“Pretty sure I do.”
Alex shook his head. “I like to repay my debts.”
That I knew.
Wait. “Are you leaving again already?” I asked him, trying to keep my tone even. “For a long time?”
His eyebrows curved as he frowned. “No, not again, Gracie. I won’t leave you for that long again.”
“I was just wondering,” I told him, knowing this whole conversation just felt off and weird and strained.