And just because he was being a butthole didn’t mean I had to come at him like a wrecking ball right back.
Even if I really wanted to.
“I told you that, if I did something to irritate you, to tell me. I’m not a mind reader. You said I could stay here,” I reminded him, since he’d obviously forgotten, trying to use a borderline polite voice. “I didn’t ask.”
I instantly knew that my “nice” voice hadn’t done shit.
Alex’s head cocked to the side at the same time his jaw went tight. “No, you didn’t ask, but you took me up on it immediately.”
Was this son of a bitch serious? “Is that really what you think?” I asked him, not fucking believing this shit.
He glowered as he shrugged. “You did what you had to do to help yourself.”
I wanted to jab him in the throat, I really did. “Okay, sure. To an extent, yes, but I didn’t ask to be put into this whole situation. I didn’t shoot you down from the sky and catch you or lock you up in a cage. I could have easily gone the rest of my life never meeting you, and that would have been exactly how I liked my life.” Quiet and uncomplicated.
He better not even get me started on it being his grandma’s fault—or whoever the hell it was—that wanted him to “get me” or “meet me” or whatever the hell it had been.
He straightened off the doorframe and uncrossed his arms, looking like… like such a good-looking shithead that needed my foot up his tight ass. Alexander watched me for such a long time that when he finally shook his head, I knew I definitely wasn’t going to like the rest of this conversation even though I wasn’t in the wrong. I sure as shit wasn’t going to let him make me feel bad. He had offered. He could have left me. If he was changing his mind now…
Friends. We were friends. I could drudge up a little more patience. I could understand.
I rubbed my cheek and lowered my voice, trying to understand. “What’s going on, Alex? I’m not trying to take advantage of you. I can’t go back in time. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
We both knew that.
Or maybe we didn’t.
“You’re here because I said I would keep an eye on you. You risked your life for mine. It’s what I owe you.”
Right…
“That was what I signed up for. Not for anything else.”
My eye started to twitch.
“That’s the extent of what our involvement with each other needs to be.”
My eyes bugged out of my head. Hadn’t he literally slept in the same bed with me the night before? Of his own choice? Hadn’t he said it was okay to sleep on the couch beside him because I’d told him I didn’t want to be alone? Didn’t I try to let go of his hand when I’d grabbed his finger and he didn’t let me?
Holding my breath, I squinted at him, embarrassment and anger and disappointment all rising inside my soul. “You came into my life. Do you want me to apologize for taking you in? Do you want me to say I’m sorry for getting sick? All I’ve tried to do is help you… and if I can help myself a little bit along the way, then hell yeah, I’m going to take advantage of it. I don’t have anyone. I’ve never wanted to put anybody at risk. But you are in no position to make me feel bad. You did the same thing. I’m grateful that you offered to make the deal to give me a place to live and protection, but I didn’t ask for that either. Don’t turn this around. I can figure this shit out on my own if I have to.”
If he didn’t want me here, if he was going to make me feel bad, he could fuck right off. I would live in the woods. I wasn’t going to waste a fucking day of my life feeling unwanted. He had no idea how deep my stubbornness ran.
And from the way this conversation was going and the expression on his face, I was going to have to make a decision about my future and make it fast.
His next words sealed the deal. “I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
I wasn’t even sure we were in the same fucking book, much less the same page.
I managed to lift my gaze and meet his dead-on. I had gotten through so much on my own. I had fed myself and supported myself. I had kept on going even on the days that I didn’t want to, when I felt like I had nothing else to keep breathing for. I’d made a promise to my grandparents, and I wasn’t going to back out on it, not when there was still the smallest sliver of hope that I could have a future.
I was no fucking punk.
“We’re on the same page,” I agreed, my mind already racing.
I stared at him, and he stared at me, this heavy silence forming between us.
His jaw moved, and I thought he was going to say something else, but Selene appeared in the doorway, her attention on the cell phone in her hands. She glanced up, saw me standing there, and smiled. “Did you find room for your things, Gracie?”
It took me a second to make sure my voice was even as I nodded at her and forced a smile onto my face. “I did.”
The tension must have gotten to her because her smile fell, and her bright blue eyes flicked from me to Alexander and back.
I had to move fast. “I was wondering if I could borrow your phone, Selene? And your credit card after all? I need to get both. I can repay you what I borrowed when I’m done if I can use the browser on your phone. Could you give me an address where I can have things shipped to also? Since the community is gated.”
Selene was still looking back and forth between us, her face wary, but she nodded. “Sure. Yeah,” she replied even as she went back to that red purse. She barely glanced down before she handed me a black credit card.
I forced a smile and nodded again, even as my eyes started to burn. She gave me her phone, sweeping a glance toward Alex while rattling off an address that didn’t make much sense, but I was too distracted to ask. I kept my gaze on her as I recited it so I wouldn’t forget it.
“Thank you, I’ll be quick,” I promised before darting up the stairs.
I stopped right at the top, suddenly not wanting to go into the room I’d slept in.
Or the butthole’s library.
Or any place else that belonged to him.
And I was way too prideful to go downstairs and walk by them to sit outside.
Fine. Sitting right at the top, I filed a claim for my “lost” phone. It wouldn’t arrive tomorrow, but it would the day after.
I bit my lip, staring at the blank screen after I’d hung up.
I had no one to call. No one to worry about me. There were my students, maybe, but I couldn’t begin to imagine how mad or disappointed they had to be since I’d disappeared on them, but I didn’t want to worry about that right then.
Not when loneliness and a sense of bone-crushing disappointment settled on my soul. On my total existence. It was nothing new, but it hurt worse than ever.
Who would really care if something happened to me?
No one, that’s who. Nobody.
Covering my mouth with my hand, I squeezed my eyes closed.
Were things ever going to change? I had no idea. I could only hope, and that was all I had left to hold on to. Tears and being upset weren’t going to change shit. All I had was myself, after all.
Wiping at my face again with the sleeve of the sweater, I fanned myself and then stood up. Taking my time, I headed back downstairs. Selene and Alexander were in the exact same spot that they’d been in when I’d walked out.