Then I realized how I looked.
I was in work clothes. I had paint on my jeans, my steel-toe boots were scuffed. My beard was grown out, I needed a haircut.
I hadn’t given two shits about my appearance since Brenda. What was the point? Who did I have to impress? I wasn’t dating, I wasn’t even looking. But suddenly I cared how I looked. I cared a lot.
I cared enough that it stopped me from stopping her.
So I just let her go. I watched the door close behind her, and the moment was gone.
I beat myself up about it the whole way back up to Frank’s.
When I got there, Andrea was still sitting at the counter.
Andrea was a hairstylist. She did Frank’s hair, and she did a good job.
“Hey, when do you work next?” I asked. “I was thinking about getting a haircut.”
“Yeesssssss!”
I knew instantly that I’d made a mistake. She was way too excited.
“I’ve been wanting to get my hands on your head for months!” She bounced. “This is going to be the most epic ‘before’ and ‘after’ ever.”
“I just want a haircut, Andrea, nothing big.”
“Oh, we’re going big. We’re hitting brows, beard, skin care—I’m about to transition you out of your caveman era. Frank, he’s finally letting me do it!”
“The end of caveman era?” my brother called from the other room.
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve talked about this?”
Andrea nodded, wide-eyed. “Definitely. Many times.”
“Wow. You two are obsessed with me.”
“Here’s the thing, John.” She put her hands together. “You are a giver. You do everything for everyone else before you do a single thing for you. I honestly think that’s why the Brenda thing hit you so hard. Instead of being like, ‘Wow! This is a great guy!’ she took it for granted and screwed you over, and when she left, you had nobody to love, and you didn’t know how to love yourself.”
I blinked at her. That was oddly insightful.
“You deserve self-care,” she said, going on. “You deserve to feel good and to look good and to let someone do something for you for a change. Just let me.”
She looked at me earnestly.
I let out a puff of air. “Fine.”
She did a little dancy thing in her seat.
The next day I was Pretty Woman’d within an inch of my life.
Did I look the best I’d looked in years? Yes. Was it at the expense of my dignity? Also yes.
She insisted I participate in a “before” and “after” video for the salon’s social media. She refused to let me pay her, so I felt guilted into agreeing to it.
All the comments on it were backhanded compliments.
It’s like one of those videos where the guy quits drinking and they do a before and after Was he homeless or is this just some guy? He’s cute now tho for real Okay, but why did he look like Encino Man? It’s giving Brendan Fraser
I had to stop looking. Apparently the transformation was jaw-dropping, that’s all I needed to know. I now had the confidence to approach the mystery woman if I ever saw her again.
If.
In the meantime I had a lot to think about, because Andrea was right. I did put everyone before myself. I always had.
Maybe it was time I learned to take care of me.
Holly
CHAPTER 9
The next two days, family came and family went. Grandma drifted in and out. She no longer took breaks from the morphine. It was a vigil now. We didn’t hover around her laughing and joking anymore. We whispered and spoke quietly so she could sleep.
The whole family had been here today. Everyone came and touched her hand and talked to her, even though she didn’t wake up for it.
I’d hoped for the rally. It looked like I wasn’t going to get it.
At 7:00 p.m., Jillian, Lucy, and Mom all went to dinner at a restaurant close by. I stayed. I wouldn’t be going home anymore. No more night nurse. Mom and I were sleeping bedside because we were too close to the end.
Once everyone had cleared the apartment, I put the railing down. Checked Grandma’s vitals. Her blood pressure was low. Her hands and feet were cold because her circulation was in service to the organs that were failing.
I brushed the hair back off her forehead, put some of Jillian’s lip balm on her lips. Lit her favorite candle. Then I picked up her hand and pressed the back of it to my cheek and closed my eyes.
I was going to miss her so much.
I wasn’t ready.
My job was to help others be ready, but I couldn’t do it for myself.