“But it also never mattered to me.”
My breath caught then.
“I didn’t care if you were only Seraphena, or if you had, at one time, been known as Sotoria.” A strand of his hair slipped forward, coming to rest on his cheek. “It didn’t matter to me. You were always Seraphena, no matter what.”
I…I’d been right when I’d thought it hadn’t mattered to Ash either way. Pressing my lips together, I felt tears gathering in my eyes again, but I fought them back. I had to because they were a mix of love and sorrow and because they reminded me this wasn’t fair.
And that unfairness threatened to shatter any calm I’d found.
“Can I…？” Ash cleared his throat again. “Can I hold the diamond?”
My heart ached. I’d never seen him look or sound so vulnerable. Uncertain. “I don’t know if you should.”
His gaze shot to mine. “Why?”
“I saw things when I touched The Star. I think it’s also how I know this is where your father’s soul has been trapped.” I smoothed my thumb over one of the points. “I saw how it was created and…how your father died.”
The muscles in his shoulders bunched and tightened. “What did you see?”
I wanted to ask if he really wanted to do this, but I knew the answer. It was the same as mine would be. I would need to know.
So, I told him.
I told him everything except for the part about his mother. I just…I just didn’t think he needed to know that. And then have to process the possibility that his mother had cared for Kolis, maybe even loved him once, only to be slain by him. Perhaps that wasn’t my decision to make, and I was wrong for keeping it from him, but I couldn’t see how having that piece of knowledge would benefit him. Maybe if we had more time, I would tell him everything I’d learned beyond what I saw in the diamond, even the claim that Eythos had killed Sotoria—something I wasn’t sure was entirely true and didn’t know the circumstances of.
But now? I shared with him how Eythos had tried to talk to Kolis and how he’d told his brother they could move past everything Kolis had done, saying he still loved him.
Ash’s face became a cold, impenetrable mask as I spoke, and in that moment, he looked as one would imagine a Primal of Death to appear.
“Kolis didn’t believe him,” I continued, speaking quietly, even though no one could hear but us. “So, he stabbed Eythos with a dagger made of the bones of the Ancients to prove that Eythos lied about still loving him. He…he didn’t plan on killing him.”
His eyes went flat. “Bullshit.”
“I don’t think it is,” I said, knowing that I had made the right decision not to share the piece about Mycella. “He hadn’t known that Eythos had given up the last of his embers. He didn’t realize how weak Eythos was.”
Ash’s nostrils flared. “Did Kolis claim that?”
“I saw it,” I reminded him. “I heard it. Eythos told Kolis he knew he was capable of killing him, but he’d hoped he wasn’t right. I saw Kolis cry.” My eyes closed. “Kolis didn’t realize I would see anything when I touched the diamond, but what I saw surprised me so much that I blurted out that I’d seen him cry.” A knot lodged in my throat. “He…he knew then that I’d seen something.”
“Is that what caused this?” His voice thinned with barely leashed anger, each word spoken slowly, bitten out like the flick of a whip. I hadn’t heard him move, but I felt the cool brush of his fingers on my throat. “The bruises?”
That knot expanded as I forced a shrug. “He wasn’t too pleased about me seeing what really happened.” I opened my eyes, quickly moving on. “I think he’s ashamed of what he did—ashamed of the truth.”
“I don’t give a fuck what he’s ashamed of.” Ash’s hand dropped, closing into a fist. “Or that he didn’t mean to kill my father. He still did it. He did everything else. He still did this to you.”
“I know.” I swallowed. “Kolis is…” I shook my head. “He’s not exactly right in the head.”
“That is by far the understatement of several lifetimes.”
“True.” I stepped back. “Anyway, I don’t know if you’ll see any of that, and I just don’t want you to. You’ve already seen too much horrible stuff.”
His head cocked. “I’m a Primal of Death, liessa. I’ve seen all manner of horrible things. Atrocities you couldn’t even imagine. I’ve even been the one to commit some.”
“But you don’t need to see this,” I told him.
Ash watched me for several moments, turning quiet and intense, leaving me feeling exposed in a way that was wholly different from how I’d felt when Kolis stared at me. “Thank you.”
I frowned. “For what?”
“For caring enough to think of me,” he said. “For…for loving me enough to prevent that.”
For some inane reason, my cheeks warmed. “You would do the same.”
Faint wisps of eather began seeping back into his irises. “I would.”
And I knew he would.
So how…how could he not love? That question rose to the tip of my tongue, but there was no point in asking the pointless.
“We should probably get cleaned up,” I said instead, looking back at the hot springs. “Though I feel bad for getting in there while so filthy.”
Ash gave me a wry grin.
I searched for a place to put the diamond but only saw faint patches of grass peeking through the rocks. I caught sight of the relatively clean hem of my gown. I bent, carefully placing the diamond on the stone before gripping the gauzy material. I yanked, and it ripped easily.
“There are far easier ways to undress, liessa.”
I smiled. “I know. It just feels sort of wrong to leave the diamond on the cavern floor.” I tore a strip of material free, then wrapped The Star in it. “There.”
There was a look to his features that I didn’t quite understand as I rose. “I wish I could do what you do,” I said. “And know what you’re feeling.”
“I’m not even sure you’d know if you had the ability because I don’t know what I’m feeling.” Ash’s brows furrowed, and his gaze swept over me. “Did he always have you dressed like this?”
“You probably don’t want the answer to that.”
“Which means I already have the answer.” His chest rose with a stilted breath, and then he was directly in front of me, his fingers gently touching my cheeks. “Everything I did was to prevent this from happening. Everything.”
“I know,” I whispered.
A faint tremor hit his hands. “Yet I still failed you. I’m so sorry, Sera.”
My heart constricted as a knot of sorrow formed in my throat. “You did not fail me, Ash. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“But I do. I failed you before you even took your first step into the Shadowlands.”
I grasped his wrists. “How can you even say that? When you turned me down as your Consort, you did it to protect me. You made that deal with Veses to keep me unknown to Kolis. There was no way for you to know he was aware of me the whole time.”