“More like who,” she remarked, her attention focused on me. On my face. “I swear by the gods, every time I see you…”
I held my breath. How much of me could she see? Did I wash before coming out here? Sometimes I forgot, and there was always something smudged on my face.
“You have more freckles.” The corners of her lips tugged up. She smiled.
Momma smiled at me.
“Just like…” Clearing her throat, her smile faded. She turned back to the flowers. “Your father liked these.”
I didn’t know what to be more excited about. Her smile? Or that she was speaking of him.
“He also enjoyed their scent,” she continued. “Thought they had a lighter, fresher smell compared to lavender.” She shook her head. “I could never tell the difference, but he could. He thought lavender smelled like…”
I turned back to the flowers, my fingers relaxing. “Vanilla.”
“Yes,” she said, then sighed. “He said the same. Excuse me.” She rose and left the little garden nook without saying another word.
Left…me.
I slipped from the memory with a strange sense of clarity that had never been there before. Her stares and words were never just cold; they were also full of cruel agony and heartbreak for what she’d lost and the child she could never allow herself to grow close to. Care for. Love. Because if she did, how could she honor the deal my father’s ancestor made?
I fell into another memory, seeing Odetta’s silver hair and her lined face softening briefly in sympathy as she shared her suppers with me. I saw myself sitting beside her at the small table in her chambers while we ate. It was before the garden. I was younger, and I…I hadn’t remembered it correctly.
“Do you think Momma is proud she has a Maiden as a daughter?” I asked, toying with the fork.
“Silly child.” Odetta’s laugh was more of a wheeze. “Always asking silly questions.”
I didn’t think it was a silly question. I dropped the fork onto the table, pleased by the clang it made. “Never mind.”
Odetta reached over, curling her gnarled and bony fingers around my chin. She turned my head to hers. “Child, the Fates know you were touched by life and death, creating someone that should not be. How could she be anything but afraid?”
The memory shattered. She hadn’t said, “creating something that should not be.” She’d said, “creating someone.” Had she been talking about me? Or someone I would create? But I would create no one.
Holland’s soft voice rose then, overshadowing mine. “I do not fear death,” he said as he circled me. I was older, closer to seventeen. “I fear life.”
Frowning, I drew back my sword. “What?”
“Death can be a long-earned reward upon old age, but life?” Sir Holland spun, catching my arm and twisting, tossing me to the floor. “Life is vicious. When stolen, it can become the ruin of realms, a wrath that even Death will hide from.”
Ezra replaced Holland. The air was sticky with humidity as we walked the gardens, but she wore a cream, pinstriped waistcoat buttoned to the base of her throat.
“Did you believe it?” she asked.
I looked over at her. “Believe what?”
Her attention was fixed on the book she held. “You haven’t been listening.”
I hadn’t, so there was no point in lying.
“I was telling you what Phebe wrote about what Etris saw before she died—it doesn’t matter.” A breeze toyed with a lock of dark hair, sending it across her face as I wondered who in the fuck Phebe and Etris were. She looked over at me. “You matter to me.”
I stumbled, nearly tripping. “What?” I laughed.
Her stare was serious. “I just wanted you to know that. You matter to me.”
The smile slipped from my face. Did she know about the sleeping aid…？ My chest turned to ice. How could she? Feeling my face warm, I shook my head. “Did this Phebe write in this book to tell you that?”
“Oh, yes. Most definitely.” She grinned, the hem of her gown snapping at her ankles as she began walking.
I remained where I was, palms damp. My chest clamped down—
My chest.
I saw tiny Jadis nestled against my chest, she and Reaver sleeping soundly. The image of them dispersed like smoke, replaced by flashes of Aios and Bele. Ector’s smile. Saion’s deep laugh…
Ash and I in the sweet-pea-smothered passageway of the Garden District before I knew it was him.
“I did not ask for your help,” I’d spat.
“But you have it nonetheless.”
My heart stuttered, and then I found us here, at this very lake, my head resting in his lap, his fingers a light touch on my arm. I thought maybe I’d fallen in love with him even then. I just hadn’t known. If I had…
The memory faded into a more recent one. I saw Ash and me at the coronation, looking at the golden swirls on our hands.
Ash had leaned back, one of those rare, genuine smiles on his face as he surveyed the crowd. “The Fates are capable of anything.”
“Liessa? Sera?”
The voice jarred me from the whirling memories. “Don’t leave me. Please.”
It was Ash, but he sounded different. Raw. Terrified. I’d never heard him so scared. “Please,” he pleaded. “Fucking Fates, I can’t lose you. I can’t…I love you. I do. Fates, I do. I fucking love you. How can I not? How can this not be love?” He screamed to the elms, or at least I thought he did. I wasn’t sure if it was him or if it only came from my mind. “I love you, even if I cannot. I’m in love with you.”
Then I wasn’t there.
I wasn’t anywhere but in death…
I love you.
Death wasn’t silent.
Or peaceful.
It sounded full of feral rage.
I love you, even if I cannot.
Death was a roar of fury and agony, the sound of a soul shattering.
Of a heart breaking.
I’m in love with you.
CHAPTER FORTY
I floated in the quiet darkness.
There was no pain. No happiness. No fear. No excitement. There was no sense of anything. I was just there. Who or what I was no longer mattered.
I was just an it.
A thing like every other living creature. A collection of differently shaped pieces meant to turn to ash…
Ash that would return to the earth, enriching the soil and providing for the life the lands gave birth to.
But the darkness wasn’t entirely silent. There was a distant hum. A whisper. A name being called. Begging. The far-away plea tugged at me.
Seraphena, child.
I stopped floating at the louder echo. That of a…soul. One I knew, because I had been something before I was nothing—someone who made up the collection of uneven pieces. I’d had a name.
Open your eyes, girl. The voice came again—an old, worn voice that belonged to…to…
Odetta.
She was a part of the cycle now, just as I was, right?
No, child, you’re not.
I cracked open my eyes. A pinprick of light appeared in the darkness, becoming a shade of swirling sapphire. Light sparked at its tail, and emerald shot out, wrapping itself around the blue. Rich brown followed, and then the three lights spun around a dark center.