Another tremor went through me. “I’ve missed you.”
Ash smiled faintly, but it was closed-lipped and didn’t reach his eyes, didn’t turn the silver into warm sterling. “It’s more than that. I know it is.” The crease between his brows deepened. “My mind feels…disjointed. Unsettled. But I think I was awake for a period of time.” His jaw hardened. “I remember struggling against chains—ones I’d created. I remember hearing his voice.”
My breath snagged as shadows appeared beneath his flesh. “Kolis?” I flinched as I said his name.
The shadows darkened. “His. Others.” His hand glided over my cheek again as his stare bore into mine, and then his hand kept going, brushing back the curls from my shoulder, my neck. His gaze dropped.
I stiffened in his arms. Was he looking for the bite? Was it even visible in a dream? The injuries he’d seen last time hadn’t appeared until I was about to wake up.
His expression didn’t give away what he saw or didn’t. I had no idea why I would dream such a thing, but I hoped to whatever higher being was listening that he saw nothing.
“Tell me,” he said, his gaze returning to mine, but as he spoke, it was almost as if he didn’t see me. Like he saw the faces of those he’d heard when he was awake. “I remember hearing…”
“What?” I whispered, half-afraid of what my mind would cause him to say.
The distance retreated from his gaze. “Tell me what has been done to you.”
A spasm hit me. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Has he hurt you?” His eyes closed then, the skin creasing at their corners. When they reopened, they were bright. “I know he has.”
“What…what do you mean?”
“I remember what I saw in my last dream.” The shadows slid along his temple, throbbing and separating, almost forming a design of sorts. One that reminded me of the vines I saw on the doors of the throne room and the gods’ tunics—on Rhain’s tunic. “I remember what I heard. What Kyn said. What Kolis claimed. And you…you flinched when you spoke his name.”
I couldn’t breathe. There was no panic or crushing suffocation like when I was awake, but I couldn’t breathe. “Kyn?”
He nodded, his eyes flat. His skin was ice-cold, and the hand on my neck, where the bite mark would be, was steady. The arm around me was firm, but a storm of violence brewed beneath the surface when he got this still.
“Sera?”
I opened my mouth to answer but couldn’t get any words out. Not even a denial. It didn’t make sense. This was a dream. I could say anything. I could lie. I could tell the truth—one that wasn’t all that bad. Right? So many people had experienced worse than I had. The man I looked at, the one my mind had called forth from memories, had. But the thing crawling up my throat now wasn’t words. It was a scream that burned me as I fought it back. I didn’t even understand why. I was dreaming. I could scream if I wanted to.
But I didn’t want to.
I didn’t want to think about any of this.
Because I was me here, and I was her there.
“Sera,” he said quietly. “Please.”
“I don’t want to dream about this.” My voice cracked. “I can barely deal with this when I’m awake.” The words tumbled out of me like the water rushing over the rocks. “I don’t want that in my dreams. I don’t want any of that near us because this is me with you. I’m here, and nothing else—”
“It’s okay, liessa.” Something cold flashed in his eyes, something feral that even sent a chill down my spine before he tugged my cheek to his chest. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about any of that now.” A tremor went through him then, causing my chest to hitch. He held me in silence for several moments, the hand on the back of my head tangling in the strands of my hair.
I let the feeling of his body calm the racing of my heart. His hands were cold, but the rest of him was wonderfully warm. I soaked him in because a part of me knew this could be my only chance, real or not.
“You’re so brave. Do you know that? So godsdamn brave and loyal.” His chin rested on the top of my head as he dragged a hand up my spine. “You are more than worthy of the swords and shields of the Shadowlands.”
Seraphena will be a Consort more than worthy of the swords and shields each of you will wield to guard her.
That was what he’d said before, and a new wave of tears pricked my eyes.
“There is no one like you, Sera.”
“Stop being sweet,” I murmured, not even caring that I was basically telling myself these things. Or it was my subconscious speaking them. And it made sense because, right now, I needed the pep talk.
“I’m not being sweet.” His hand made another soothing sweep across the center of my back. “I’m only telling the truth. You’re the strongest person I know.”
I smiled, snuggling closer.
“And even when you feel fear?” He managed to somehow pull me closer to him. “You’re never afraid. There is a difference, remember?”
“I remember.”
“Good.” He dipped his head, this time pressing a kiss to my temple. “There’s something I need to ask you, liessa.”
I exhaled, long and slow. “Okay.”
“Do you have access to any weapons?”
I blinked. Okay. I hadn’t expected my mind to come up with that, but I could deal with this line of questioning. “No.” I thought of what I’d found in the chest. “Well, I did find something that I managed to use as a weapon.”
“Was that when you tried to escape?”
How did he know…？ He didn’t. I did. My mind was creating what he said.
“What did you find?” he asked.
My lips pursed. “I believe it was a…glass cock.”
Ash went still against me. “I’m sorry. I believe you misspoke.”
“I didn’t.” My lips twitched. “There’s a chest, and in it are a bunch of what appear to be glass cocks. I think they were…” I shook my head, my stomach twisting as I thought about what their presence signified. “I don’t even know if they’re still in the chest. I haven’t looked, but I imagine they’ve been removed.”
Ash didn’t say anything for a long moment, but then he gently guided my head back. As our gazes connected, I detected the faintest scent of stale lilacs.
I tensed, the back of my neck prickling. There was a sound, a distant murmur. I started to turn my head.
Ash stopped me. “I need you to listen to me, okay? Have you told Kolis about what will happen once you begin the Ascension? That only I can Ascend you?”
I frowned. “No, I haven’t.”
“He believes you’re Sotoria.”
How did he…？
“You need to tell him that you will die without me,” Ash said. “You are his weakness. He will do anything to keep Sotoria alive—to keep you alive. Even release you to me to prevent that.”
“What?” I laughed. “Kolis will think it’s a trap. He won’t believe that. I wouldn’t believe it.”