I look up at the star-filled sky and take a breath before facing her. “No. I think she would have been a phenomenal rider. Better than me, that’s for sure. But I also know that…” I can’t get the words out. They lodge in my throat, held captive by the memory of Aurelie’s eyes widening in that second before she fell.
“I wish that for once you would just say whatever you’re thinking. I never know anymore.”
“You don’t want to know.” It’s the most truthful I’ve been with her since returning.
“I really do, Violet! It’s just us out here. Talk to me!”
“Talk to you,” I repeat, like it’s really that simple, and feel something inside me snap under the weight of both our frustrations. “Fine. Yes, it’s awful that Aurelie fell. That she died. But I think I’m a better rider for having been there, having watched her fall to her death and known that if I didn’t get my ass moving, I was going to be next.”
“That’s…horrible.” Rhiannon’s lips part, and she looks at me like she’s never seen me before.
“So is everything waiting out there for us.” I swing my arms out. “That stupid fucking Gauntlet isn’t just about physically climbing it. It’s about overcoming the fear that we can’t. It’s about climbing after we see it kill our friends. Parapet, Gauntlet, Presentation—they seem excessive when we’re here, but they prepare us for something way worse when we leave. And until you…” I shake my head. “You don’t know what it’s like out there, Rhi. You can’t understand.”
“Of course I don’t know,” she retorts, her body tensing more with every word. “You won’t talk to me! You’re running with Imogen, or locked away reading, or spending every possible Saturday with Riorson. And that’s fine, I want you to get whatever support you need, but you’re sure as hell not talking to me, so how would you expect me to know anything? Don’t forget, Liam was my friend, too!”
“You weren’t there!” My anger slips from the box I painstakingly built for it, and power whips through me, scalding my veins. “You didn’t hold him, watch the light fade out of his eyes, knowing that there wasn’t a physical thing wrong with him but he was dying because Deigh lay eviscerated just a few feet away. Nothing I did in those moments before mattered! Gods, I held on to him so tightly!” My hands curl into fists, my nails biting into my palms. “My shoulders almost dislocated, he was so damned heavy, but I held on! And it didn’t matter!” Rage burns my throat, devouring me whole. “You haven’t seen what’s out there! What makes me run every fucking morning!”
“Vi,” she whispers, her posture sagging.
“And the look on his face?” My voice breaks and my eyes burn with the memory of Liam’s head in my hands. “You don’t see it every time you try to sleep. You don’t hear him begging you to take care of Sloane. You sure as hell don’t hear Deigh scream…” I lace my fingers on top of my head and look away, waging war with the grief, the pain, the never-ending guilt, and as usual, I lose. There’s only that box and the blessed emptiness I know is achievable if I can get a little control, but the words won’t stop coming. It’s like my mouth has disassociated from my brain and my emotions are running the show.
“And as horrible as it might be, as callous as it might make me, watching Aurelie fall, and Pryor burn, and even Jack-fucking-Barlowe get crushed under my landslide prepared me for the moment I had to leave Liam’s body on the ground and fight. If I’d sat there and mourned like I wanted to, none of us would be here. Imogen, Bodhi, Xaden, Garrick—everyone—we’d all be dead. There’s a reason they want us to watch our friends die, Rhi.” I tap my chest with one finger. “We are the weapons, and this place is the stone they use to sharpen us.” The energy in my body dwindles, and the heat dissipates.
My stomach hollows out at the utter devastation on Rhiannon’s face.
Tairn’s wingbeats grow louder as he approaches, and the sound helps settle my heartbeat.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “And I’m glad you don’t know what it’s like.” Blinking rapidly clears the blurriness from my eyes. “I’m grateful every single day that you don’t have those memories, that you and Sawyer and Ridoc weren’t there. I wouldn’t wish that day on my worst enemy, let alone my closest friend, and even if I’m quiet lately, that’s what you still are—my closest friend.” But friends tell the truth. Telling her will put her in danger, but not telling her leaves her unprepared, just like we were. Shit. “And you’re right. I should talk to you. You lost Liam, too. You have every right to know—”
“No.” Tairn’s voice blasts through my head and wind gusts at my back a second before he lands behind me. “Solas’s rider.”
“Good evening, Cadet Sorrengail,” Major Varrish says directly from our left, mage lights popping on overhead as he walks around the boulders where he and his guards have been waiting only a dozen feet away. “Cadet Matthias. Sounds like I may have interrupted a discussion?”
His guards follow.
Oh gods. I almost—
“But you didn’t,” Tairn says.
“Sir?” Rhiannon’s eyes widen as her gaze swings from me to the vice commandant.
“You know the drill, cadet.” He closes the distance between us and points to the ground. “Or are you going to argue that you’re not under my command at all now?”
Tairn lowers his head and rumbles a low growl.
Apprehension knots my throat, and I step to the side, taking Rhi out of Varrish’s direct path. Indignation isn’t going to help, so I swing my pack from my shoulders and open it, emptying the contents onto the ground. Then I shake the open bag to show him that it’s empty. “Happy?”
“Not yet, but one day.” His smile makes my stomach churn. “I’m patient.”
The rider finishes the search, taking a look inside my bag just to be sure I actually emptied it before handing it back.
“Enjoy your leave while you have it.” Varrish nods, that smile still frozen in place, and the three head off the field.
“Assholes.” I crouch down and Rhi matches the movement, helping me repack the bag. “Thanks.”
“Is that normal?”
“Yes.” We stand once everything is tucked away. “Are we glad they didn’t search you again tonight?”
“We are.”
“But…why?” Confusion lines her forehead. “What is going on? That couldn’t have been about Andarna.”
“They’ll never fully trust Xaden’s last name.” With good reason. I sling my pack over my shoulders and slip my arms through the straps. “I really am sorry for exploding on you back there. There’s no excuse.”
“Don’t be.” She offers me a sad half smile. “I’d rather you scream at me than pretend everything is all right with silence.”
At least there’s one truth I can give her.
“Nothing is all right.”