I should have seen that coming. Of course he is going to use this as an excuse for me to finally flatter him—except that I won’t. “Fine,” I say curtly. “Your hair looks very…soft.”
“Soft?” Kai echoes with a cough that might have been a laugh. “Oh, come now, you can do better than that.” He leans in closer, his voice taunting as he adds, “And if you want to run your fingers through my hair, I wouldn’t be opposed to—”
“Your smile.” I cut him off before his offer can tempt me. “I like when you truly smile. When you’re not wearing the mask of the future Enforcer or the prince, and you simply allow me to see you. It’s a smile I wish you would share with me more often.”
I swallow and fall silent. That was not at all what I intended to tell him, and yet, that doesn’t make it any less true. At the sight of that smile, it’s easy to forget who he is and what he does. At the sight of that smile, I see a boy instead of the king’s deadly pawn. At the sight of that smile, I see someone who is more than a friend instead of someone who would kill me if they knew what I am.
And suddenly, that smile is sounding very dangerous.
“Even with my stupid dimples, you still like my smile?” Kai’s words are soft, slightly breathless, and my answer is equally so.
“Even with your stupid dimples, Azer.”
His lips twitch into a variation of that smile I shouldn’t be seeking out, though it’s softer than the ones I’ve seen before. He opens his mouth and—
“Malakai.”
Our eyes snap to the queen now standing a few feet away, a pleasant smile on her stunning features. “Do share her with the other gentleman, won’t you?”
“She’s mine for the night, Mother.” Kai’s eyes are back on me. “A small price to pay for ruining my clothes.”
But the queen is gone, whisked away by chattering guests and dancing figures before the words even left Kai’s mouth.
I blink at him, unable to stop the smile spreading across my lips. “Your name is Malakai?”
“Yes, well, I’ve also been called devilishly handsome, devastatingly powerful, and more recently, a cocky bastard.”
“Whoever called you that must know you quite well.”
“Yes, more than I care to admit,” he says quietly. The drone of violins fills the silence that stretches between us. When he finally speaks, Kai’s question is quiet. “Are you ready for tomorrow?”
I’m reminded of Kitt’s same question at the previous ball as I say, “Are you?”
He exhales slowly. “I have to be.”
There’s a long pause.
The smile I give him is sad. “That’s not what I asked.”
“Smartass,” he mutters under his breath, managing to truly make me smile. “The truth then?”
“The truth always.”
“Then no. I’m not ready,” he sighs, ducking his head close to mine. “But we’ll be fine. We always are.”
I nod numbly, not needing him to explain what he means. Both of our lives have been a series of trials that we’ve had to survive. Only now, we are going through one together, one we will fight our way out of just as we’ve done in the past.
As if to emphasize his words, he reaches up and flicks the tip of my nose, sharing that smile of his with me. And rather than pushing him away like I know I should, I find myself smiling back.
We settle into a comfortable silence as we spin. The garden is now bathed in moonlight, and lamps are flickering warm light over the faces swirling beside us.
Kai suddenly dips me, his fingers grazing the bare skin peeking between the slit of my dress before lazily gliding up the cool dagger resting upon my hot skin. I bite back a surprised yelp while he only laughs. “Didn’t I tell you that daggers aren’t needed for dancing?”
He places me back on my feet as I breathlessly reply, “Depends on who your partner is.”
I hate that he makes me feel like I’m always trying to catch my breath.
And what I hate even more is that he knows it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I drill those words into my head, forcing them through my thick skull. I refuse to get caught up in him.
He must be able to see the battle raging in my brain because he grins at me.
Dimples.
Those damn dimples.
I’m practically panting now, trying to breathe, trying to ignore this boy in front of me. Trying to ignore his dazzling smiles and difficult past I now know so much about. His caring and charming side, the little things that make up him, his hands that are on me—
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Gray eyes flick between mine, worry reflecting in them. “Is everything alright?”
I hadn’t noticed how quickly I’m breathing, how I’m trying to gulp down air and failing miserably. Kai looks suddenly sober and suddenly serious, which I can only assume means that he can see the panic plastered all over my face. His arm tightens ever so slightly around me, ever so protectively.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
“Pae…”
Oh, why can’t I hate it?
“What’s wrong?” His voice is stern, cutting through my haze of hysteria.
There are so many bodies around me, so close, so pressing. The air feels so thin, so hot in my lungs. I feel so confined, so trapped. Body locking, heart leaping, mind laughing at how weak I am.
My head is spinning and so are we. I stumble to a stop—my partner, my thoughts, my breathing all halting with me. I can’t swallow the panic, can’t swallow down air, can’t swallow my pride to admit to myself that something is wrong.
Calm down. You’re fine.
Suddenly, I’m that little, helpless girl again. The one with the dead dad and murdered dreams. The one being beaten against a pole for stealing to survive, running to rid herself of haunting memories. The one who would curl up in a ball, crippled by grief and consumed by panic. The one who couldn’t be in large crowds or small spaces without gasping for air or grappling to escape. Weak from worry, powerless from panic. No, just powerless.
Calm down. You’re fi—
I’m having a panic attack.
The dress is abruptly too tight, squeezing my ribs, choking me, forcing the air from my lungs. The crowd around me is suddenly doing the same: squeezing me, choking me, pressing in, oblivious to how the garden packed full of people is suddenly petrifying me.
“I—I can’t breathe.” The words are a gasp, and I’m embarrassed that I have to admit to him, to myself, a fear that hasn’t haunted me in years. “Claustrophobic.” I barely manage to get the breathless word out, but he doesn’t wait for me to struggle through an explanation before I’m pressed to his side, letting him lead me to the edge of trees.
“Just a little farther. Hold on,” he murmurs, pushing us through the crowd and back under the dark willow. I feel the rough bark of a trunk against my back and open my eyes, not realizing I had shut them in the first place.
In the shadows, I can barely make out Kai standing in front of me, wearing the same look he had when I was bleeding out on the forest floor before him. “Breathe, Pae. Breathe.” He seems to be struggling for air himself, his eyes scanning my face as mine dart around frantically.