And I’m actually in （steel yourself for glamour ahead） Kansas City, Missouri. In my childhood bedroom. Living with my 81-year-old stepdad and his beagle Sugar. The glamour never stops! I’m sheepish about being one of those people who fled New York, but after everything shut down, I started to feel like I was losing my mind （like kind of for real, not as a hyperbolic expression）。 How’s LA?
Noodles made out of cheese would be fantastic. You could fry them and dip them in marinara sauce and—oh shit, I think I just invented mozzarella sticks! Btw do random strangers ever write to you after guessing your surprisingly obvious email address?
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 22, 2020, 10:36 PM
subject: Actually
I turn 39 even sooner than you, on 9/5. I’m not sure how someone celebrates a birthday during a “deadly global shitshow” but maybe by using a metal straw and eating noodles made of cheese in the same meal? So many possibilities!
OK, speaking of the pandemic…in all seriousness, this brings me to why I first emailed you. Did you wonder? If you did, it was nice of you to act like it wasn’t weird and out of the blue.
So…I had Covid in February. First, I will insert a disclaimer about how I shouldn’t complain because of how privileged I am…then I will say it was fucking awful. For almost 3 weeks, I couldn’t catch my breath, had the worst cough of my life, was exhausted, sore all over, constant headache. In addition to feeling like hell, I was terrified that I might never be able to sing again, or at least not like before. I’m lucky that this didn’t prove to be the case, but for someone like me, anything that messes with voice and breath is very scary. As I type this all out, it occurs to me maybe you’ve also had it and are saying to yourself, what a baby! I hope you haven’t had it.
But being sick gave me time to think about…to be honest…a lot of things. One was my week at TNO in 2018, specifically working with you, and how things took a kinda bad turn between us at the end. I regret that, and I want to officially say I’m sorry. I think you’re cool and smart and I could have imagined us hanging out after that week and then…well, obviously that didn’t happen. But maybe it should have, you know?
To answer your questions:
- I did attend a BLM protest. I went back and forth beforehand because I didn’t want to do it in a performative way, but I decided it was more important to just go and let the chips fall in terms of potentially having my motives questioned…it wouldn’t be the first or last time. I told the people that handle my socials not to post about it, although I think some pics did end up online. Did you attend any?
- Yes, a few times a year I get emails from random strangers that say either I’m your biggest fan ever, can I have $500 for my surgery, or your music sucks. I once heard from a guy who wanted his money back for my latest album and he went into a lot of detail about why. He made some fair points, so I emailed back Fine, dude, tell me your username on Venmo and I’ll reimburse you the ten bucks. I never heard from him again.
I admit that my email address is unimaginative, but don’t I get partial credit for sticking my middle initial in there? Does anyone ever tell you that your email address kinda reads as “smiles”…which I assume is exactly what you’d have picked if left to your own devices. Speaking of email, I think this is the longest one I’ve written since the early 2000s!
from: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
to: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
date: Jul 23, 2020, 11:27 AM
subject: Actually
First of all, I’m sorry you were so sick. That sounds terrible. Are you completely better now or do you have those lingering symptoms? Did you have someone to take care of you? Were you in LA then? I haven’t had Covid, or if I did, I didn’t know it, which is extra lucky because right after TNO production shut down, a bunch of people got it, including Henrietta, Henrietta’s wife Lisa （who is now eight months pregnant）， and Viv （who by coincidence is also now eight months pregnant）。 For some reason, Viv’s husband, who’s a doctor, didn’t get it. Viv, Lisa, and Henrietta all seem fine now, though I know they’re worried about the potential effects of Covid in utero. Viv is also understandably anxious about her delivery. I confess that I didn’t know until she told me that it’s true even across class lines that Black women and their babies are much likelier to die in childbirth because of racism/bad healthcare.
Regarding BLM protests, I also went to one—you might know they were intense here, and some were very close to my stepdad’s house—but it’s safe to say nobody cared enough about my presence to post pics of me online. On the one hand, I find it so weird and awkward that white people and white-led companies woke up one day and decided to admit that racism exists. On the other hand, I guess better （400 years） late than never? Viv told me that after George Floyd was killed, she was getting check-ins from random white acquaintances being like, How are you? No, really, how?? and she was like, well, I’m exhausted from growing a human in my uterus, but I don’t think that’s what you mean. （Sidenote: Of course I newly worry that I’m one of the random white ladies presuming greater closeness with Viv than she feels, but I’m sure as hell not going to ask her for reassurance now. I’ve been wondering about a sketch along the lines of “Your handwringing will not protect you.” Like about the phenomenon of white women believing that the mere act of expressing our discomfort or guilt gets us off the hook. Who knows what being at TNO this coming season will look like—there’s a rumor we’ll have daily tests—but last week I signed the contract to go back for my twelfth [!!] year.）
As for the end of your week at TNO, although I appreciate your apology, you were right about everything. （It’s possible I’ve never before written those words to anyone so please enjoy them.） I’ve also thought a lot about that week, and I’ve also felt bad about it. The reality is that you don’t owe me an apology, and I do owe you one. When you called me out, it was justified. What I said to you in that bar was rude. I’m truly sorry.
Is writing （and I imagine receiving） your longest email since the early 2000s a bad or good thing? In honor of the early 2000s, are you also fretting about the Y2K computer glitch and wearing one of those yellow Livestrong jerseys? I am, of course, wearing my yellow jersey right now. The breezy nylon keeps me cool in the humid Missouri summer.
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 23, 2020, 3:50 PM
subject: Actually
What an honor to receive the inaugural Sally Milz “I think you were right about everything” declaration!! Would it be weird if I had the words tattooed on my arm? （Have you gotten any more ink since we compared notes on that front? I haven’t, but remembering your hamster still cracks me up.）
It’s fucking great to be writing and receiving long emails! Don’t get me wrong, it’s very intimidating to write to a TNO writer, but it’s also so fun that even though I’m probably making all kinds of punctuation mistakes, I’m wondering if the thing I’ve been missing all these years is a pen pal. In all seriousness, this is the quietest my life has been in two decades and it’s really nice to connect with another person. I sometimes used to wish I could hit pause for six months or a year and now it’s like the universe called my bluff. No, I am not self-centered enough to think I caused a global pandemic, but still…be careful what you wish for.