One more sidenote: Apropos of my declaration above about thinking that I understand appearance pressure because I’m a woman, yet another of the reasons I suspect it’s almost time for me to move on from TNO is that, while so much of my worldview has been shaped by beliefs about men and women and sexism and feminism, most younger writers at the show accept as a given that gender is a social construct. And to my surprise, the more I read on this subject, the more I agree. In 2012, when I got a sketch on air about elementary school girls playing four square at recess, it felt subversive and notable. I guess it’s a sign of progress that now it’s just accepted as fact at TNO that the world is wildly sexist （thanks, 2016 election?） and that “female” topics are as worthy as “male” ones. On a good day, this makes me think my work is done, and on a bad day, it makes me think I’m about to be put out to pasture.
Before I go, what is your favorite color? Do you have any pets?
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 24, 2020, 10:40 PM
subject: Actually
This is all fascinating…but raises a lot more questions than it answers. For starters:
-I assume you only have the letters Freja wrote you and not the ones you wrote her? Which is such a bummer because I bet the letters that 4th grade Sally wrote were pretty spectacular. Maybe even national treasure level.
-What does “having a moment” with Martin mean? Is that a euphemism that everyone except me knows? It seems like the Martin anecdote is missing a few key details.
- I appreciate the reassurance about being the best pen pal ever but admit I am still feeling a little insecure that you are so much more experienced than I am. （I guess that’s not a question.）
-Yeah, such things are sometimes murky. （I guess that’s not a question, either.）
-Your marriage and divorce…is there a pdf somewhere I can download to get a comprehensive overview of when/where/why?
-Same question as above but about the TNO mindfucker.
About online dating…a few years ago I tried an app that is supposed to be “discreet”…not like for people doing shady things but for respecting users’ privacy. I went on a couple dates through this, none memorable. I’m not convinced online dating is for me. Even with the supposed emphasis on privacy, when I was texting with women, I needed to keep in mind that any of them could talk to or even be a reporter for a shitty gossip website. I’m sure that being so wary didn’t increase my likelihood of making a connection. For the record, I don’t worry at all that you will sell me out.
About how I fly…it’s usually in a space shuttle that takes off with rocket boosters. My time is so precious that this allows me to get where I’m going as efficiently as possible without having to interact with the riffraff. Yes, of course I sometimes fly commercial! Admittedly, it’s first class and if the airport has a private terminal, that’s where I wait. On tour, sometimes we charter a plane and sometimes it’s a bus, and even with the fancier buses, there are very unglamorous parts…traffic, band members getting sick, band members washing their hair with the non-potable water, and on and on. And yet on those buses I have for sure had some of my happiest times.
My favorite color is yellow. I do not have any pets but would like a rabbit.
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 9:03 AM
subject: Actually
Sally,
Since sending that last email I have realized that asking if I can download a pdf about your marriage and divorce probably sounded disrespectful and I’m very sorry. I was trying to be funny, but I crossed a line. I want you to know that I realize （from watching my sister and some friends） that getting divorced is a very challenging life experience, and I shouldn’t have been flippant about it. As I’ve said before, these emails right now are really a lifeline for me. I hope I have not done anything to jeopardize our communication.
Best,
Noah
from: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
to: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 9:32 AM
subject: Actually
I wish you could see how hard I’m laughing right now. You also get an A+ in squirming apologies. I especially appreciate how you included a salutation （I wasn’t sure before this if you knew my name） and a signature （because before this I wasn’t sure what your name was）。 But the “Best” is a really nice touch, like you were reaching out to ask if my marketing firm is currently hiring.
First of all, didn’t I tell you back in 2018 that anyone who works at TNO is hard to offend? The reason I didn’t reply yet wasn’t that I was offended. It was just that it’s taking me a long time to figure out how to summarize my marriage and the mindfuck. I’m still working on them! Maybe the emails should be divided into two parts, like Czechoslovakia in 1992.
Second, there are a lot of things about all marriages, including mine, that deserve flippancy and disrespect. Unfortunately, my marriage itself was kind of boring and not that funny, but it’s safe to say that I am not someone who thinks marriage as an institution is sacrosanct. In fact, I aspire to find anything in life sacrosanct.
Seriously, your remorse here is very endearing, in addition to being hilarious. Please consider saying a few more things that you think are inappropriate and then apologizing for them.
In the meantime, as I write up my marriage/mindfuck opus, I have to congratulate you on your perceptiveness in realizing I left some details out of the Martin story. “Having a moment” with Martin means that （steel yourself?! Again?） I lost my virginity to him IN Erin’s pool （！） while other people were sitting in the lounge chairs approximately ten feet away （！！）。 I guess out of deference to the other people, Martin and I didn’t kiss while semi-publicly boning.
In other words, no, you don’t need to worry about my selling you out because, although there’s a smaller audience for my secrets, we’re in a mutually assured destruction situation. Not that I’d sell you out anyway.
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 25, 2020, 10:18 AM
subject: Actually
Phew!!!
I have to admit I got kinda spooked by that part about how you never emailed Martin again after the Thanksgiving awkwardness. I don’t want you to ever stop emailing me!
I guess my main question about Martin is, was it a good experience for you? I have a bombshell to drop, something that no one in my whole life knows about me except my sister. See? I really do trust you! The bombshell is that my first album came out before I’d ever had sex. Everyone interpreted Making Love in July （a song I know you have great fondness for） as autobiographical, but I’d never “made love” in real life before its release and didn’t until four months later. If you’re trying to do the math, I was nineteen when the song came out and twenty by the time I lost my virginity. The song was a fantasy of sex, not a memory. When I wrote it, I’d kissed a couple girls, but that was it. My all-boys’ high school was affiliated with a girls’ school more or less on the same campus, and junior and senior year, we could take classes at their school and vice versa, so I can’t even use the single-sex school thing as an excuse. I just had no game. Also my black nail polish phase, while brief, may have made girls think I was gay. （Speaking of, gender is absolutely a social construct…didn’t David Bowie and Prince teach us that? At the same time, I’m sure there’s always a place for your thoughts on men and women and sexism and feminism.）