I suspect that my dad’s demons are part of what drew my mother to Jerry’s stability and reliability. But from the time I was young, there was this category of things my mother would refer to as Mommy-Sally secrets, like eating leftover cake for breakfast, or both of us taking a sick day and having a picnic just because the weather was beautiful, or, even though she didn’t curse in front of Jerry, if just she and I were in the car and she thought another driver was being unsafe, she’d say in a quiet but crisp voice, “What a fucking asshole.” She conveyed to me without ever saying it outright that we all have public and private selves, which also was a very important lesson. Oddly, this ties into why I’ve been thinking I should leave TNO. With every passing year, I can feel how the writers coming up behind me are increasingly different from me. This, to be honest, is anxiety-inducing but also refreshing and appropriate and cycle-of-lifey—like, maybe it’s time for me to make way for other people. And one of the ways that the writers in their twenties are different is that they DON’T seem to think we all have public and private selves. They’re fine just having public selves and openly discussing their mental health issues and their medical issues and their sex habits and their family trauma. I find it really nice to be able to talk to you about all this stuff （or, so far, some of it）， but I wouldn’t talk about it with most people. Would you?
Regarding my relationship with alcohol, in normal life, I have a drink or two at the TNO after-party, and I don’t drink much otherwise—maybe a glass of wine if I’m meeting Viv for dinner, but after she got pregnant, when she didn’t order one, I didn’t either. The one time besides the TNO party when I always have a drink is on a first date, to calm my nerves. So I guess the truth is that I do use it as a crutch, just not very often （oops, did I just reveal I don’t go on first dates very often? By choice!）。 But it seems very understandable that you wonder about other people’s drinking habits.
You actually are not my first pen pal. You’re probably my best one, though, or at least this little diversion we have going is very enjoyable. Do you think it’s beautiful when two people are each other’s firsts, or do you think that inevitably creates awkwardness and it’s better when one is more experienced and can guide the other?
from: Noah Brewster <[email protected]>
to: Sally Milz <[email protected]>
date: Jul 24, 2020, 3:01 PM
subject: Actually
I’m “probably” your best pen pal? In “this little diversion we have going”？ You’re breaking my heart here! Only kidding, but who are all these other pen pals that I probably compare favorably to? Are they current or past? Do I need to find them and challenge them to a duel?
In all seriousness, I am honored you’ve been enjoying my music. I might also sound like a cringey fangirl when I tell you that I think I have watched all your sketches. And this also happened in the past, right after I hosted TNO. I’m assuming you know it’s hard to figure out which sketches you wrote because it doesn’t say in the show credits so I had to venture into some deep dark superfan caverns. Now, just for the record, this does not mean I buy into the idea you refer to where I am a celebrity recognized far and wide and you are an unknown. You for sure have fans, even if you aren’t recognized in the grocery store （except by Vinny Kaplan, who I am sure noticed you, knew you were pretending not to see him, and felt devastated）。 But I know you are a star in the comedy world. Also, plenty of people don’t know or care who I am, and frequently when a stranger comes up to me in a restaurant （in normal times）， I think they are about to say “I love your music” and what they say is “You look so familiar…are you my dentist?” But my point is that your sketches are really funny. Although it’s hard to choose, the ones that made me laugh the most are the one about how women supposedly don’t fart, the one about the ICE agents celebrating Thanksgiving, and the 1950s ads for housewives. I respect that you are not afraid to be dark or to acknowledge the awkwardness of life instead of glossing over it like we are all trained to do. Impressive to think your entire career is built on Mad Libs!
Thank you for the kind things you wrote about my parents. It took me a while to get here, but I try not to take their judgment personally. I’m grateful that I’ve had a much wider range of experiences and met many more people than they have. Also, it’s not quite fair of me to claim they’re completely unsupportive. Years ago…and warning, big namedrop ahead…I was part of presenting Mick Jagger with an award before joining the band onstage to play You Can’t Always Get What You Want, and I invited my parents because my dad had been a huge Stones fan. Although they couldn’t attend, I could tell he was impressed. Unlike my mom, my dad has some kindness inside him that he has trouble expressing （he doesn’t talk very much overall） whereas my mom shamelessly takes digs at people, including people she gave birth to. I am really sorry about your biological father, but I’m glad to hear you had such a wonderful relationship with your mom. It seems like you have inherited a lot of her warmth and humor, and I bet she really loved having you as a daughter.
Do I like performing in stadiums and is it stressful? These are great questions. As you know from TNO, there is nothing else like the magic of a crowd feeling a collective and ephemeral joy, and in those moments, when I am onstage looking out at so many faces, I feel like a vessel in a way that’s an incredible privilege. For sure, touring can get repetitive…the hotels and transportation but also the performing. Yet I know that for anyone in the audience, it might be a big night out for them, the tickets were not cheap, maybe they hired a babysitter and paid for parking. So my job is to bring as much energy in Omaha as at the Hollywood Bowl.
At this point, I don’t usually feel stressed by shows. There are pros and cons to having “hit it big” early, and one that might be both is that by now, even as I recognize how much my career is a product of luck, it’s the only life I know professionally speaking. Looking back, I was in serious danger of flaming out almost as soon as I got started. After my first and second albums came out back to back, I was drinking a lot, acting like a jackass in my early 20s, and generally letting success go to my head. In October 2003, there was a horrible accident in Miami where my drummer, whose name was Christopher and who was the sweetest guy, fell off a drawbridge over Biscayne Bay. This was a huge wake-up call, and following Christopher’s funeral, I entered rehab for two months. I still think about him every day and wish I had stopped all of us from climbing the bridge. I considered quitting performing altogether. I wasn’t sure if fans or the media would blame me for Christopher’s death, and while this didn’t happen, I have always felt very conscious of being given a second chance.
About your question of if I work out three hours a day…I do not work out from 10AM-1PM, as I may have implied. I work out from more like 10AM-11:15AM. But since we are being honest, it’s questionable how healthy my relationship with exercise and food is. I am proud to say I have not relapsed with alcohol （and thank you for answering my question about drinking so straightforwardly）， but I am pretty compulsive about exercising. This is not a humblebrag because I don’t think it’s good to be compulsive about anything. I was scrawny growing up and could eat whatever I wanted until I was about 30. At that point, as soon as I put on some weight, I stopped eating sugar and wheat. When I got Covid, I lost too much weight so I decided to start having bread again last spring and now, even though I’ve cut out grains again, I weigh 13lbs more than I did when I hosted TNO. Do you remember that sketch when I was wearing a very silly leather vest and shorts? I knew in advance I might be asked to wear something revealing for the show plus I’d be on TV and having my picture taken while promoting my album so I did a cleanse the week before. In the past, I have fasted in advance of photo shoots, but now that I have some distance on all of that, I think it’s a habit I want to be finished with. I’m sure this will result in me looking less fit, and people will make snarky comments, but maybe I can learn to be at peace with it.