“Yes. Your name,” I repeat and cup his face, forcing him to look at me. “Your name is what you make it. I’m sure there are many, many people out there who were named after a parent that was a monster. You just have to do something better with that name. Be better than the monster.”
Ryder’s gaze locks with mine. “I’m not like him.”
“I didn’t think you were.”
“No, I mean that’s not the reason I avoid the name. I’m not worried I’m going to end up like him. I know I won’t.” He speaks with strong conviction. “I don’t think I’m going to snap and kill someone. I know myself and what I’m capable of. It’s the reminder, that’s all. The reminder of this shitty place I came from. This shitty person I’m forever tied to, at least genetically. I hear my name, and the past comes rushing back, when all I want is to leave it in my dust.”
“You can’t outrun your history. It doesn’t disappear just because you leave Arizona and move out east and go by the name Ryder. No matter what you do, it’s still there. That is where you come from.”
“I know.” He bites his lip.
“And whenever you’re reminded of it, instead of shutting down, burying it deep, pushing everyone away…all you have to do is this.” I stroke his jaw with both thumbs. “Just be open and honest with me, and I’ll do my best to help.”
“I’ll try,” he says roughly.
“And, honestly, if you truly hate the name, you could always change it. But we both know you’re not running from the name. You’re running from shame.”
His eyes look wet again. I bend down and kiss him. Just a soft caress against his lips, which I feel trembling beneath mine.
“There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of,” I whisper.
Ryder goes quiet for several long beats. “He’s up for parole.”
I jolt in shock. “What!”
“That’s why I was in such a foul mood the other day. I’d just gotten off the phone with the prosecutor in Phoenix. I told you he pled out, right? Well, it was a sweet fucking deal. Eligible for parole after fifteen years—they didn’t think he was a danger to society. Just a crime of passion unlikely to be repeated.” Ryder laughs bitterly. “Until he gets into another relationship and decides to blow her brains out too.”
I flinch. “He can’t actually be released, right?”
“The DA says it’s unlikely. But he wants me to come speak at the hearing. Said my statement would help keep him behind bars.”
“Are you going?”
“No. I never want to see his face again.”
I don’t blame him.
“Anyway.” This time he kisses me, another gentle touch of our lips. “I’m sorry for snapping at you the other day and shutting you out. Thank you for listening.”
“Thank you for talking.”
There’s another long stretch of silence. Then Ryder throws me for another loop.
“I totally understand if you want to go and, ah, I don’t know, be with Case.”
I blink. “Where on earth did that come from?”
“I was just thinking about it. Colson’s a good guy. And I’m sure he doesn’t have this amount of baggage.”
“You know, a few months ago you would’ve swallowed glass before admitting he’s a good guy.”
“I know, but…he is. He’s a decent guy.” Ryder sighs. “Do you still want to be with him?”
I don’t hesitate. “No.”
“Did you love him?”
“I did. But I’ve been thinking about it too. And the more I do, the more I realize I wasn’t devastated when he cheated on me.”
“Really, because it hasn’t sounded like you were too happy about it.”
“Well, no, I wasn’t happy. And, yes, I was upset. I cried. A lot. But it didn’t rip me apart, you know? I feel like it should have. I feel like if I truly loved him and wanted to be with him, get married, have kids, build a life…then that kind of betrayal would just destroy me. And it didn’t, which tells me maybe it wasn’t as right as either of us thought it was.” I rest my chin on Ryder’s shoulder, pensive. “Besides, if he hadn’t cheated, you and I wouldn’t be here right now. So in a way, he…”
He led me to you.
I can’t bring myself to say it because I’m terrified it’ll lead me into saying other things, and I’m not telling anyone I love them anymore. Last time I did, the guy freaked and ran.
“Why are you really bringing up Case?” I ask, lifting my head. “Are you feeling insecure?”
“No. I…I guess I just need to know you want me.”
“I want you.”
Smiling, he tugs us backward and onto our sides so we’re lying on the couch facing each other. His fingers stroke my cheek. Toying with my hair. I love how he always needs to be touching me, even though he plays it off cool. Nonchalant.
My hand drifts up his chest and I can feel him trembling. I bring my palm to his left pec, press it against his heart, and instantly it starts beating faster.
“You feel this too, don’t you?” His eyes are on mine. Dark blue and bottomless.
“Yeah. I feel it.”
CHAPTER FORTY
GIGI
There’s something different about you
THE HOCKEY DEPARTMENT FUNDRAISER IS HELD THE FOLLOWING week, on a Saturday night when neither of our teams has a game. I show up with Whitney and Camila, wearing a dress I picked up shopping with Diana this weekend. It’s pale silver, floor-length, and features a plunging vee, which makes me slightly uncomfortable because I don’t usually show off the girls. I feel like they’re not big enough to dazzle. But Diana told me it wouldn’t kill me to be a bit bold. So I extended the boldness to my hair, wearing it loose in big waves, and my makeup, opting for a smoky eye.
I hear a low whistle when we approach the arched doorway of the ballroom. The event is being held at a small convention center in Boston.
I turn, expecting to see Ryder, but it’s Case. Then I remember Ryder and I aren’t public yet. We couldn’t even attend this charity ball together.
“Jesus. Babe, you look amazing.”
I want to tell him not to call me babe. But Cami and Whitney are standing there, and I don’t want to make things awkward. So I let it slide.
“Thanks. You look good too.” He really does. He’s in a tailored black suit, blond hair styled perfectly and clean-shaven face emphasizing his pretty-boy looks.
He flashes me that familiar smile, but there’s no flutter in my chest anymore. No quickening of my pulse. Any romantic feelings I had for him are completely gone.
I’m all in on Luke Ryder, of all people.
Who would have thought?
“May I escort you inside, my lady?” Case holds out his arm.
I take it and hope he doesn’t sense my reluctance. I also hope Ryder’s not in there already and, if he is, doesn’t see Case walking me in on his arm.
“See you guys in there,” I tell my teammates.
When we enter the crowded ballroom, our conversation is momentarily drowned out by the sound of the eight-piece orchestra band. They’re playing a classical version of a popular pop song.