“Four and a half years.”
“Wow.” He shakes his head. “I’d love to have a place like this one day.”
A place like this makes sense for a guy like him. Single. Young. I guess I’m single and young too, but there’s not much about my life that works in an apartment like this anymore. More and more I’m itching for a bigger place. Somewhere with land to be outdoors and unbothered. Somewhere that feels less like a reminder of the life I thought I’d once have.
“You get us through the next month and I’m sure there’s a nice little raise coming for your next contract,” I reassure.
He laughs it off. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’m not exactly ready to fill in for Ryan Shay of all people.”
Ethan overhears our conversation, our eyes meeting.
I put my fork and knife down, leaning back in my chair. “You are. You have to be.”
Leon looks down the table of our teammates before directing his attention back to me, his voice quieting. “I can’t do it. I’m a bench guy.”
Leon is my backup, only playing in the fourth quarters if a game is a blowout. I lean forward so only he and Ethan can hear. “Yes, you can. I’ll help you.”
“You’d do that?”
“We’re a team and you need to be the leader on the court now. You and I, we’re still gonna stay late after practice like we planned. I’ll go through everything with you. I’ll be on the sidelines during games to help. You can do this.”
I hadn’t realized I decided all that until it was coming out of my mouth, but I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s what a good leader would do. It’s what the leader I was while in college who brought home two national championships would’ve done.
“You’re going to get us to the playoffs and I’m going to help you.”
Leon takes a self-assured breath, nodding his head.
“Then,” I continue. “In a month, I’m stealing my spot back.”
An easy laugh spreads through the three of us. I catch Ethan looking at me, nodding his head, his eyes soft with pride.
Offering a knowing pat on the shoulder, I walk past him and the rest of the guys having a good time at the table. I find Indy in the kitchen, plating more food for the endlessly hungry fourteen basketball players in our home.
From behind, I trap her body with mine, bracing my hands on the counter in front of us.
“Are you doing okay?” she whispers.
“I’m doing great.”
Tilting her head to look at me, her lips almost brush mine. Her eyes dart to my mouth but before I can say “fuck it” and kiss her, she turns back to the food, giving it her full attention.
“I told you that you could trust me.”
I place a kiss on her shoulder, not having much more to say other than being eternally grateful for her pulling me out of my shell tonight. In an odd way it feels liberating to have company over. I thought I’d feel out of control, paranoid, but I don’t. I feel oddly…calm.
Covering her hand with mine, I still her movements. “Come eat with me.”
“I can’t yet. I need to get more food and drinks out.”
“Everyone is happy. Take a break and come eat dinner with me.”
Reluctantly, she sets her serving utensils down and follows me to the table where I pull the chair out for her between mine and Ethan’s. I place more plated food on the table, family-style followed by a couple open bottles of red. They’re big boys. They can serve themselves.
Sitting next to Indy feels good as it always does, but tonight as she chats with my team, there’s a sense of pride flowing through me that they believe she’s mine. She could be. I want her to be. Need her to be the more I watch how effortlessly she goes through life unguarded.
She’s not just a happy-go-lucky girl with no perception of the terrible parts of life. She doesn’t shit rainbows or believe in unicorns, but she feels everything. Every emotion good or bad and for that reason alone she’s a breath of fresh air in my life. She’s living and I both admire her for it and am envious beyond belief.
There was a shift last night as she sat in my lap, listening to me spill the worst part of my past that I realized I wanted her as my future.
“Indy,” Dom calls from down the table. “You’re convincing me that I need a girlfriend.”
“You have plenty of girlfriends,” she quips back.
I’ve only mentioned Dom once or twice in passing, but I've quickly learned that Indy remembers almost everything I say, the same way I do with her.
“No, I mean a real girlfriend.”
A fit of laughter breaks out from the team because well…Dom is not a one-woman kind of guy.
“Fuck you guys. I can change. Shay changed.” He motions towards me. “Look at that love-sick motherfucker. Now he has an absolute smoke show living in his house. I want an Indy walking around my house.”
“Watch it,” I bite out. “The girl’s got her MBA and she’s funny as hell.”
Indy’s cheeks flush, embarrassment washing over her from being praised for her mind and not just the way she looks.
Dom holds up his bite of food with a mischievous smile. “And she’s an amazing cook.”
“Damn right I am,” she agrees.
“My house is much bigger than Shay’s. You’re more than welcome.”
Fucking shit-disturber.
“She’s not going anywhere.” I say the words to Dom, but keep my eyes on Indy as they come out.
She won’t look at me.
It’s too right, having her here. This is where she belongs, with me, in this apartment. And if she thinks for a second she’s moving out, she’s out of her goddamn mind.
28
INDY
Indy
Daily update—I need to get away from the apartment. Can I spend the night at your house?
Stevie
Is everything okay?
No.
See you soon.
I packed my bag while Ryan was at practice and had planned to be gone by the time he got home. But once Annie called to tell me Ryan canceled team dinner, I knew I couldn’t leave yet.
I probably should’ve gone further than Zanders and Stevie’s penthouse if I’m really trying to get away, but I don’t know that I am. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is that apartment is filled with him, and it’s suffocating.
How much I want him is suffocating.
How much I care about him is suffocating.
How much love I have for that man after only a few short months is suffocating.
Call me dramatic, but last night’s realizations messed me up. Ryan has lived through a pregnancy with a woman he thought he loved, anticipating their future and family. He spent nine months loving a child that wasn’t his. How do you come back from that? It’s no wonder he’s guarded and untrusting.
It was excruciating for me, as only a bystander, to hear how someone tried to use Ryan in the most hurtful of ways, how he thinks everyone around him has tried to take advantage.
I very clearly heard the way he didn’t exclude me from that statement, and I refuse to miss the blaring neon signs once again. I refuse to stay in a space that isn’t meant for me, just like I stayed in a relationship that was no longer my future.