“I know.” I give her a look and she holds up her hands. “I do! I just don’t love the thought of a woman traveling alone—particularly a woman who wears my heart on her body.”
We exchange world-weary looks. “I hate that we have to think about it.”
“Fuck, me too,” she says, which shocks us into laughter. She’s not much for the f-bomb, but when she says it, she really makes it count.
“This is incredible, Noelle.” Dad reaches a hand across the table. I take it, my throat squeezing in tandem with his fingers tightening around mine. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you,” I manage, feeling equally hopeful and like shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe.
“When is this happening?” Mom asks.
“In a couple weeks.” Completely pulled that out of my ass. Hopefully it’s enough time to get myself together and go.
“And how are you going to pay for it if it’s not a paid thing?”
“I’ll use some of Gram’s inheritance.” I’ve been holding on to it, waiting for something she’d deem worthy. This is it, I know it.
Dad nods, his eyes shining. “She’d love that.”
I want to lay my head on the table and cry. What would he do if he found out about Paul? Would he care? Would it break him? Am I betraying him by not telling him about this, the way I feel betrayed by Gram for not telling me?
What a mess. What an absolute clusterfuck. And yet, now that I’ve decided, I have to see this through.
“Okay,” Mom says, her expression twisting from doubt to cautious optimism. “Yeah, this could be really good for you, Noelle.”
It could. And clusterfuck or not, I’m doing it.
Eight
When I show up at Paul’s house on Saturday, I bring guests. Thomas and Sadie wanted to tag along to see the map and anything else Paul is prepared to show, and Paul was gracious enough to accept us all for an early lunch.
He opens the door with his signature sunny smile, stepping aside. “Come on in, kids. I’ve set us up on the deck again.”
I beam at him as Thomas and Sadie introduce themselves, though my stomach does a somersault. I’m revealing my plan today, and I have no idea what he’ll say.
It takes everything in me not to run for the back. I want to pore over Gram’s letters, and I need to take another look at the map. Maybe I’ll take a picture of it or—best-case scenario—borrow it so I can take it with me. I’d also like to get details of the originally planned trip from Paul so I can plot my days out. The clock is officially ticking.
I’m so caught up in my to-do list that Paul and Thomas end up at the front of the pack as we walk in. When we get to the living room, Thomas gestures to the gallery wall, coming to a halt. “Noelle wouldn’t stop talking about this after your visit. She said these are all your photographs.”
“They are indeed. I’ve been freelance, have worked with National Geographic and other publications you probably wouldn’t know. Took me all around the world for a time.”
“When did you slow down?” I ask.
Paul gazes at the wall. “When Theo was born. He’s my only grandchild, so I have a bit of an affinity for him.” My heart softens at the affection on Paul’s face as he continues, “I lived in Los Angeles from college on. My son, Sam—that’s Theo’s dad—moved up here when Theo was in junior high, and Theo’s uncle, Mark, and his husband left for Arizona about a decade ago, so for a time it was just Vera and me.”
Thomas smiles over at me, both impish and proud. “Noelle’s a photographer, too.”
I resist the urge to play it down or deny it altogether as Paul eyes me.
“I had a feeling. She told me she wasn’t.”
“I’m nowhere close to you,” I say, gesturing at the display before us. Somehow, my hand ends up pointing right at that childhood portrait of Theo, and I stuff my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
Sadie weaves her arm through mine, shaking me gently. “You’re amazing.”
“She’s downplayed her talents, then,” Paul says with a sympathetic smile. Like he knows it’s an achy spot. I swallow and look down at Sadie’s long rainbow nails, bright and cheerful against my sun-starved skin.
“That sounds about right.” Thomas sticks his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. “The funny thing is, when she was in high school, she wouldn’t shut up about all the things she was good at.”
“What’s truly funny,” Paul says, “is Teddy talked quite a bit about a very accomplished girl in high school. Now, it took me a bit of time to unravel all this after I met you last week, but I realized the name I always heard as Steph was actually Teddy talking about you and calling you Shep.”
My heart plops into my stomach. “I’m sorry, what? He talked about me in high school?”
Next to me, Sadie inhales with barely concealed delight, her fingers digging into my arm. She won’t let go of the idea that this is fate’s way of bringing me the love of my life.
Maybe I’d play along otherwise, but the idea of Theo being the love of my life—or even the love of one single month in my life—sends icy fingers dancing down my spine.
“Yes, indeed. Theo spent every summer with Vera and me—”
“Wow, the whole summer?” Thomas interjects.
Paul nods. “Since he was six. It was a deal I worked out with his parents. He came to us the week after school ended and left the week before it began.”
“That’s intense. I’m surprised his parents let him go.” I hold up my hands. “I mean, I’m sure it was great. It’s just a long time to be gone.”
“It was a good setup for everyone involved,” Paul says simply, his gaze moving back to Theo’s picture.
I always wondered where he went, though I pretended not to care. The momentum of the school year and all of the energy I expended to be the best—better than Theo—fizzled into a melancholic lack of direction during the summer. Sometimes I felt lost without something （or someone） to direct my ambitions toward.
Paul picks up the thread of the conversation, pulling me out of my memory. “At any rate, your name would come up during conversations about the school year. You played tennis as well?”
“Yes, I played number one singles on the girls’ team. Theo was the same on the boys’ team, but you probably knew that.”
Paul nods. “I was his number one fan. Always have been, even though I couldn’t make it up north to watch his matches but for every once in a blue moon.”
“Some people tried to organize a head-to-head match between Theo and Noelle their senior year to raise money for charity,” Thomas pipes up, “but the principal shut it down. He knew it would end in bloodshed.”
I toss him a glare. “That was the official story. I think Theo was afraid I’d win, and he paid Principal Reyes off. He still owes me a head-to-head match.”
“I actually would pay to watch that,” Thomas says. “As long as bloodshed was guaranteed.”
“Noelle would wipe the court with him,” Sadie says loyally. “Respectfully. She’s a beast on the court.”