The fact was, there was no way that I could have permitted Oskar and Alysse to leave Berlin together. My feelings for him were too strong and in my sexual confusion I had allowed myself to become so overwhelmed that I simply could no longer think straight. I had convinced myself that if I could somehow persuade him to stay, then our friendship would transform into something more intimate. Two days after his birthday he left a note for me at my home, asking me to meet him in the late afternoon by the entrance to the Tiergarten Zoo and, as we walked back towards Maxingstra?e, I begged him to reconsider his decision.
‘I can’t,’ he told me with utter certainty. ‘For heaven’s sake, Erich, you live in this city. You’ve seen what’s happening. I won’t stand by and wait for them to take Alysse away.’
‘Oh, just listen to yourself,’ I said, raising my voice in frustration. ‘They’re Jews, Oskar. I know you think that you love her but—’
‘Erich, you’re a Jew,’ he pointed out.
‘I’m not,’ I insisted. ‘Not really.’
‘If either of us needs to be worried about how things are changing here, then it should be you, not me. Anyway, it’s all been decided so there’s no point in trying to change my mind. We’re going to America, her entire family and me. That’s why I wanted to meet you this afternoon. To say goodbye.’
I stared at him, feeling a sickness build at the pit of my stomach. ‘You’ll need tickets,’ I said, when I could find my voice again.
‘Her father has them already. We’re going to take a train to Paris and travel from there to Calais. Then we’ll take the ferry across the Channel to Southampton and, in time, journey on to New York.’
‘And what will you do when you get there?’
‘I’m not sure, but Alysse’s father is a resourceful man. He knows a lot of people in the city. Perhaps we’ll start a business, I don’t know. All that matters is that we’ll be safe.’
‘And the checkpoints?’ I asked. ‘You know that you’ll never get through them, don’t you? Your papers won’t be in order.’
‘You’d be surprised the work that forgers can do these days, Erich. In this climate, they’re making a fortune.’
‘And I suppose her father paid for that too?’
‘He has a little money.’
‘Of course he does,’ I said bitterly. ‘They all do. The fucking Jews have more money than the rest of us combined. Perhaps Hitler is right in what he says. Perhaps we’ll all be better off when they disappear from Germany.’
His smile faded now a little. ‘They don’t have anything,’ he said. ‘You know as well as I do that they’ve all been shipped off to God knows where over the last year. How many Jews have you even seen on the streets in recent months? They’re all gone. It’s the same all across Europe. First degree, second degree, none of these distinctions will matter if Hitler gets his way. The Nuremberg Laws will be ripped up. The time to leave is right now.’
‘When will you go?’ I asked finally.
‘Tonight. At nightfall.’
‘But that’s too soon!’
‘We’re ready. There’s no reason for us to stay any longer. I’ll write to you when we reach England. In the meantime, we must pray that, if there is a war, Germany loses.’
Without thinking, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into a side lane empty of people, pushing him up against the wall.
‘Don’t say things like that,’ I said. ‘If you’re overheard you will be shot.’
‘All right, Erich. Let go of me.’
‘Not until you promise not to leave. The day will come when you’ll regret this decision. You’ll realize that you deserted the Fatherland at the moment of its greatest need and hate yourself for it. And for what? For some girl?’
‘But she’s not some girl,’ said Oskar. ‘Don’t you understand that I’m in love with her?’
‘You’re seventeen years old,’ I said. ‘You’d say you were in love with a wild boar if it let you have your way with it.’
His smile faded and I could see his face grow dark. ‘Be careful, Erich,’ he warned. ‘I care about you but there’s a line that I won’t allow you to cross.’
‘You’re confusing loyalty with love, that’s what’s wrong here.’
‘I’m not,’ he said. ‘And one day, when you fall for someone, you’ll understand that.’
‘You think I don’t know what it is to be in love?’ I asked.
‘I’m not being cruel but there’s no girl in your life, is there? And there never has been. At least none that you’ve told me about, anyway.’
‘I don’t need a girl to understand love,’ I said, taking his face in my hands and pressing my lips against his. For a moment, perhaps in surprise at what I was doing, I could feel his lips part a little and a certain lack of resistance from him. But then, just as quickly as it had started, the only kiss of my life came to an end. He pulled away from me, wiping his hand across his mouth and shaking his head. I didn’t turn away. I felt no shame and looked directly at him, hoping to challenge him with my eyes just as Alysse had done when she turned in the painting and stared out at the viewer. I didn’t know what to expect next, whether he might run away from me or lash out in anger, but in fact he did neither of these things, simply looked at me with a sorrowful expression on his face and let out a disappointed sigh.
‘I suspected as much,’ he said quietly. ‘But whatever you’re hoping for, it’s not possible.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because that’s not who I am,’ he said.
‘If you tried—’
‘I don’t want to try, I’m sorry. It doesn’t interest me.’
‘But instead you’ll fuck that whore?’ I shouted, feeling humiliated now, tears streaming down my face.
‘Stop it, Erich.’
‘Well, how else would you describe her? Taking off her clothes so you can paint her like that. And that’s the girl you want to give up your life for?’
‘I’m leaving now, Erich,’ he said, turning away.
‘Don’t!’ I shouted, reaching out for him. ‘Please, I’m sorry.’
But it was too late. He was gone.
I chose not to follow him. Instead I turned and made my way back in the direction of home, a rage building inside me like none that I had ever known before, one that threatened to explode from inside my chest as I passed the B?ttcher Tavern, where we would drink no more. Leaning against the wall, I caught my distorted reflection in the glass and that of the building behind me.
The offices of the Schutzstaffel.
I turned to look at them and there was the red-haired soldier standing on duty outside as always, looking bored as he watched the street, until his eyes landed on me. Without stopping to think, I marched across, pulled my papers from my inside pocket and demanded to speak to the Untersturmführer on duty.
‘What do you want?’ he asked me.
‘I have information.’
‘So tell me. I’m in charge.’