I used to look in the mirror and see myself. Now, I look in the mirror and see what I’m not. At least, until last night…
Until Finn.
I don’t know if it was what he said in the mirror or how he said it, but I walked around topless most of the morning, feeling proud of my breasts. I grab my left tit, giving it a hardy squeeze. Mason, on the other end of the line, is silent, none the wiser that I’m fondling myself. These aren’t the breasts Mason passed on. They are the ones that made Finn smile and lick his lips. I wish it were as simple as hooking up with Finn for validation purposes. I think he’d sleep with me. Maybe it’d be for pity on his end, but I bet I’d still enjoy it.
The problem is I don’t want my identity wrapped up in any man. I don’t want to only like myself until Finn doesn’t want me either. I want my confidence back. I want to never ever again believe a man when he says I’m disappointing in the bedroom.
I want to feel safe to explore. I want to use a stupid app like Rumble and role-play. I want to experience all the things my so-called bland relationship deprived me of for four years.
But I need help…someone to show me how to be something I’m not. Finn. He’s the answer. I don’t want something as unattainable as his heart. I just need his body. I want Finn to teach me how to have great sex…
No. Something more extreme.
I want Finn to teach me how to fuck.
“Aves, maybe I was rash and I panicked. What if we just take the summer off to breathe and think about things? Maybe this isn’t a breakup…just a break. I know you’re furious with me right now, but hopefully, by the time Cancun rolls around, we can talk in person. About everything. Even the uncomfortable stuff.”
“What’s there to talk about? I don’t think I can ever trust you again,” I say, pressing my back against the wooden dining chair, wanting the pressure to hold me in place.
“I didn’t cheat on you. I will show you the app. I swear on my life—”
“I don’t care,” I say. He already pulled at the thread and unraveled us. The truth is? I don’t feel good about myself when I’m around him. And what’s more, I no longer think it’s all my fault.
I think of the shitty, artery-clogging takeout food we ate every night. Yes, it made me feel like garbage. But I’m not a great cook, nor did I have time to learn. I was too busy building Arrow’s client list and reputation. Never once did Mason offer to go to the grocery store with me and pick up healthier options. Never once did he suggest we cook at home together.
Never once did he cook for me. Finn’s steak was the first meal a man has prepared for me since I was in pigtails and my dad used to make me hamburger mac ’n’ cheese.
I let out a deep sigh. “Just send me the reports.” I clear my throat. “Let’s take it one step at a time. We need to see if we can work together. That’s the most important thing right now.” Otherwise, we have a business to divvy up.
“Okay,” he says, sounding slightly relieved. Did I just give us hope? Shit. “Good night, Avery. And hey, just so you know, I’m not sleeping around. I didn’t get over our breakup that easily. I’m not planning on having sex with anyone right now.”
Why was it so much easier to believe he was actually cheating on me? I trusted Mason blindly for four years. Why is it so hard to believe him right now?
“You should, Mason.”
“What?”
“You should. Have sex with someone new. I certainly plan to.”
I end the call before he can say another word.
11
Finn
There’s a nervous jolt in my chest as I push through the tension-filled gate separating my yard from Dex’s. I hear the buzz and bubble of the hot tub.
Avery’s already in the tub.
Her hair is pulled up in a sloppy bun, little strands of loose hair caressing her face. She’s makeup-free, and her cheeks are pink and flushed from the heat. Her pretty eyes are sparkling under the dim deck lights.
I hold up the six-pack of beer. “I guess you chose to keep me company tonight.”
She smiles and nods. “That I did. How was your run?”
“Grueling.” I set the six-pack down and pull off my shirt and lay it on the back of a patio chair. I feel her eyes on me, but she quickly diverts her gaze when I turn around. “You can look, Avery. I’m not shy.”
Chuckling nervously, she covers her eyes. “Okay, you’re unnaturally hot. You have to know that, right? Good grief, you’re fit.”
What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? “Thank you?”
“It must get annoying when women stare at you like a piece of meat. My best friend Palmer is a total knockout. Every time we go to a bar, she gets groped or fed some sleazy line just because she’s good-looking and has a great body.” Avery twists her lips as she teeters her head from side to side. “You’d think it’d feed her ego, but it doesn’t. Men want to see her naked, but they don’t care about her name or what she does for a living. It’s crass and it gets to her more than she admits. Her entire identity is wrapped up in how she looks and it’s not fair. I’m trying not to do that to you in case you feel the same.”
“That’s awfully considerate of you.”
“Well, I respect hot people problems, you know? It’s not like I have them, but I respect them.” Avery snorts at her little joke while I plunge into the water without testing the temperature. I know the heat is turned all the way up the way Avery’s skin is so pink and raw.
“Do you work out?” I ask.
Avery rolls her eyes. “Finn, you’ve seen me pretty much naked. You know the answer to that question.”
“I don’t know the answer. That’s why I asked.”
Avery flicks a little water in my direction across the tub. “I like to walk sometimes, but that’s about it.”
“I work out a lot.”
“Shocking,” she says with a wink.
“Not to look good,” I admit. “For stress relief. It’s the only way I can work out my anxiety and frustration. So you may see a hot body”—I gesture to my chest—“but this is all the product of a lot of shitty stuff I’m working through.” I shrug. “Looks can be deceiving.”
Her smirk flattens, and the corners of her lips turn down in concern. “What stuff?”
“Nope. Not going there tonight. The hot tub is for relaxation.” I waggle my finger at her before I wade across the tub to stretch out my legs, and quickly return to the six-pack I brought. I pop the lid on two Alaskan Ambers and hand Avery one. I stay standing, lingering by her side. “How was your day?”
“Good,” she says, smiling wide.
I’m silent as I take a swig from my beer. But she doesn’t continue. She clearly doesn’t like being the center of attention. “What did you do?”
“I just worked a little.”
“On what?”
She lets out a little huff of annoyance, understanding what I’m doing. I’m trying to get her to talk. I’m trying to give her some much-needed attention.
“I think I accidentally overfed one of Dex’s fish today. I feed his saltwater fish this nutrient thing from an eye dropper every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. It ate and then went belly up for a minute but seems to be okay now…I think.” Her eyes widen in concern. “I don’t know, actually. It’s not like I can reach in there and snuggle the damn thing. I didn’t realize how high-maintenance fish are.”