Finn rubs the back of his neck, a sheepish smile creeping across his face. “I’m good with it. Consider me your toy.” He opens his legs into a wide V, as unsubtly as possible. “Play with me.”
I try to hold a straight face, but we both burst into laughter.
“Wow, that was bad…just bad.”
“I know,” he says between breathy chuckles. “Sorry. If I’m being honest, I am so fucking horny right now. It’s been three days since I’ve had you and I’m getting a little dizzy, nauseous, hot flashes, and my vision is blurry.” He puckers his bottom lip.
Is he…begging…for me?
“Are you horny or pregnant?”
He howls in laughter as he pats his lap. “Get over here. You’re my cure, Avery. How about we play first, and then business after?”
“Three days isn’t that long. Also, you have a hand for that.”
He shakes his head. “Nuh-uh. You know how once you’ve tasted real New York-style pizza you can’t go back to cheap delivery?”
“Eh, I’m more of a Chicago deep-dish kind of girl.”
For a moment, he’s distracted as he shakes his head in disbelief. “Deep dish? What the fu—okay, we’ll come back to that. The bottom line is you, sweet girl, are gourmet, and now there’s no way my hand is going to cut it.” He carefully wrestles the can I’m holding out of my grip and sets it aside. Before I can protest, he wraps his hand behind my neck and pulls me to his lips. I briefly allow myself to get swept up, and I kiss him back furiously, enjoying the feel of his tongue on mine. I melt into the powerful way he holds me, so steady, so sure. I start picturing a life with Finn where I’m this happy all the time and it scares me because the minute you like someone…love someone…they have the power to completely destroy you.
“Finn,” I mumble into his mouth when I feel the bulge in his pants starting to grow against my belly. He’s reluctant to break our kiss and when I keep talking, he moves down to my neck as his hand scrambles for the clasp of my bra. “I’ve spent the past few days buried in research. I worked so hard on some ideas for you. I really want to share them with you.”
“After,” he mutters between kisses.
“No. Now. Please.” I fight my body, my heart, and my mind. Stop. Stop before I lose control.
I said the magic word. The two-letter little word that Finn and every man with some goddamn sense should respect: no. He immediately leans back on the couch, letting out a shaky breath, trying to calm his arousal.
“Okay. Sorry. You can’t blame me, though. You just look so pretty tonight all dolled up like that. It’s like you’re purposely trying to tempt me.” Finn eyes me up and down, and I am embarrassed he noticed.
Shit. Okay, so yes, I curled my hair and left it down tonight. I also put on a little makeup. Just the color-correcting moisturizer Lennox showed me at Sephora and a little of the sun-kissed bronzer I bought for both of us. She also introduced me to a line of tinted lip balm that may be my new favorite product. But I’m not trying to look so desperate, so I wish Finn would stop drawing attention to my efforts of being a little more…visually appealing.
Finn tugs at the waist of my shorts. “Are these new?”
Lennox also took me to a couple of clothing stores during our shopping trip. The outfit I’m wearing—high-waisted black bohemian-style shorts with a thick bow around the waist, paired with a form-fitting cream tank top—is the outfit she insisted I buy. Lennox was pulling items off the rack left and right for me to try on at the boutique as if I were her little Barbie doll. She complimented me nonstop, but I felt so out of place. The store was too fashion-forward, all the material was too fancy, and every look was far more chic than I could ever pull off. What I’m presently wearing is the only outfit she could talk me into bringing to the register. When I had second thoughts and tried to put it back on the rack last minute, she ended up buying it for me. I immediately felt guilty she had to whip out her credit card due to my stubbornness.
“Lennox took me shopping. She has a good eye for fashion. She helped me pick a couple of things that would be more flattering for my body type.”
Finn blinks at me so slowly that his eyelids look heavy. It’s almost like he’s trying to force himself to hold something back. “What’s your body type?”
I roll my eyes childishly. This is awkward. I hate talking about it. I’ve never been a confident girl when it comes to looks, but I’ve also never let looks rule my life. I thought I was being mature…perhaps I was just being avoidant. “What do you think my body type is?” I ask, meaning to make him uncomfortable. Maybe he’ll clam up like I am, and we can move on to a different subject.
Except it’s Finn…
I should’ve known he has all the right answers when it comes to this.
“Your body type is damn lucky. Blessed in all the right places.” He traces an hourglass figure in the air with his hands. “Natural and tender and soft. Your body makes me want to curl up next to it, day in and day out. I don’t know what type I’d call it, just know that it’s my favorite type.”
I want to roll my eyes again, scoff, and say he’s just saying all of that to pacify me. But the whole point of our arrangement is teaching me to be more self-assured. What good are his lessons if I refuse to learn?
“Thank you,” I say. “That makes me feel really good about myself. And thank you for noticing I got dressed up.” I bite my bottom lip in contemplation. Go there? Don’t go there? “For you,” I add, “I got dressed up for you.”
He wears the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen on him. “Well, if that’s true, it makes me feel really good about myself. It’s hard to know what you’re thinking sometimes. You keep a lot to yourself.”
I squint at him. “Are you kidding? I asked you to be my sex sensei because I’m wildly inept in the bedroom. It really doesn’t get much more in your face than that.”
“Your feelings,” Finn says like it’s a clear explanation. But I don’t understand, so I just shrug. “You’ll openly admit to your insecurities, but you won’t actually say how they make you feel. It’s like you try to judge yourself before anyone else can. It’s strategic. In fact, everything you do is poised and careful. And sure, you cried around me once, but I think those tears were more out of frustration than anything. If you think you’re being vulnerable…eh, well, I can tell you try really hard to be more realistic than emotional. It seems lonely.”
I lean back against the couch cushions and tuck my knees to my chest. “Since when are my emotions someone else’s responsibility? My issues are my burden to bear.”
Finn waits until I meet his eyes. He’s so demanding when it comes to eye contact. Maybe because he knows his icy blue eyes seem to tear down my walls. “Burden me, Avery. I want you to.”
I let the stupid tears well in my eyes and I feel smaller than I ever have before. I wish Finn could understand that we don’t see the world the same way. He will never understand what it is to be the ugly duckling. He will also never understand that I’m okay with being the ugly duckling. I’m okay with pajama bottoms, messy buns, and a couple of stains on my T-shirt. I’m fine with pizza pockets for dinner. I don’t want to lose myself. I just want to like myself. I want to figure out what I need from my sex life and then I want to find another ugly duckling, so we can live happily together, in the same world where we can swim and waddle at exactly the same pace.