Death doesn’t respond, but I don’t think it’s because he’s reconsidering. We ride for the rest of the day in silence.
Chapter 60
Interstate 10, Southern California
September, Year 27 of the Horsemen
That night, I wake from sleep to one single thought. The most obvious, stupid realization, one I’ve been too blind to acknowledge.
It’s not going to end.
I can hear my soft breathing, and I can feel the warm press of the horseman at my back. He hasn’t yet realized I’m awake. All around us, I can just make out the bones of the dead that follow us around. Blessedly, Shane is not one of them. Despite Death and I’s earlier vows, the man’s body was left to rot in the desert.
Things with the horseman are not going to end. Not if I want him to give up his purpose. Because the thing is, if I convince Death to turn his back on all the killing, he’s not just walking away from his task, he’s choosing me over it.
My deal with the horseman doesn’t just end with that choice. I’ve been such a fool to believe otherwise. If this works as the other horsemen hope it will—as I hope it will—then I will be spending the rest of my life with Thanatos.
My breath catches at that. I should feel horror—or at least the crushing weight of reality. Instead, warmth spreads through me. I … hadn’t anticipated a lifetime of this.
If, of course, Death picks me over his task.
And that’s a big if.
Humanity is so close to annihilation, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do—I can kill Death over and over again, I can make love to him. But so far, none of it has been enough. I am terrified that even once I have Ben in my arms again, beautiful, frightful humanity will still fall.
And there’s another equally frightful thought that I hadn’t considered until now. Bringing Death to the horsemen’s doorstep means exposing Thanatos to the other horsemen’s wives and children. And then there’s the fact that the horsemen are coming back for me and Death. That had been their time limit.
If they find us before I’ve convinced Death to give up his task …
We’re all screwed.
My panic rising, I begin to calculate the time Death and I might have until we could run into said horsemen. It only serves to frighten me. We’ve moved slow and lingered for days at our rest stops.
In that time, Death’s brothers have surely already dropped Ben off—perhaps they’ve long since dropped him off. I don’t know how much time we have left before they close in on us.
Why did I not consider this sooner?
It wouldn’t have mattered, a small voice in my head says. The time would’ve passed all the same.
I take several deep breaths to calm my racing heart. There’s still time to change Death’s mind. He just has to pick me over his task.
He has to pick me.
My breath hitches.
At my back, the horseman’s hand moves to my hair, stroking it back.
“I’ve got you, Lazarus. It’s just a dream. It will pass,” he says, unaware that I’m awake.
I have to bite my lip. Here he is, soothing me from a bad dream in the middle of the night. And it sounds like he’s done this before—murmured sweet things to me when I’ve been restless.
I’m glad he can’t see me, this man who lies awake at my side for hours just to be close. This man who I’ve fought and killed many times and who has hurt me in return. This man who, despite it all, has chosen me over and over again.
There is no one like us.
Even now, when I think of him, I can feel that lightness within me. I’ve accepted riding with the horseman, and I’ve accepted sleeping with him. But I have never given myself permission to love him.
I’ve been so afraid of what it would mean to give him my heart if he still decided in the end to kill us all. But if I actually give in to the hope that the world won’t end, truly, I lose nothing.
So as I lay out there in the desert, our undead entourage spread out around us, I let that last wall around my heart fall.
Sex with Thanatos is a slow dance.
“Faster,” I whisper to him.
Death grins down at me, the muscles of his chest rippling as he moves. “I don’t think I will,” he says as he glides out of me. “I like this pace.” He thrusts back in, the action causing my lips to part and my back to arch. “And I especially like the way you look at me when I fuck you at this pace.”
He stretches the act out for an agonizingly long time, and just when I think he’s going to speed up, he stills.